Friday, November 14, 2008
at 2:30 PM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
(Please hit play on the above video before reading the below post, and make sure your sound is enabled. I'm completely serious. I"ll wait.)
I love this great nation of ours. I take pride in the fact that, 232 years ago, our Founding Fathers decided to break free from British tyranny to form a more perfect union, based on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I'm here to tell you that, this Saturday night, I and my fellow Mass Hysteria editors will realize that dream that our Founding Fathers envisioned when they signed the Declaration of Independence and conceived of a United States of America.
How, you might ask, shall a few twentysomethings undertake something as daunting as attempting to live out the full meaning of the greatest document in American history?
By watching two men beat the shit out of each other while being served beer and wings by scantily-clad, big-titted waitresses with low self-esteem of course.
You see, this Saturday, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, bringer of all that is Good, will stage its biggest event ever - UFC 91: Couture vs. Lesnar. Couture refers to Randy Couture, the closest thing this country has to a real-life superhero. At the age of 45, the 225-pound Couture has spent more than a decade defeating larger, scarier and more physically gifted opponents, armed with only his brawn and fists. His opponent Saturday night will be his biggest challenge yet - former WWE star Brock Lesnar. If God were to fashion the perfect athlete, it would look like Brock Lesnar. The man weighs 280 pounds of pure muscle, runs a 4.62 40-yard dash, and has the agility of a jungle cat. This is a battle of the old, grizzled veteran against the next big thing. Experience vs. Youth. Small vs. Big. The past vs. the future. America vs....well, Lesnar is American too, but you get my point.
Now, such a feat of Democracy can naturally be viewed in one, and only one, establishment: my beloved Hooters. Wings. Beer. Tits. Vaginal Breezeways. Fighting. More Beer. More Tits. More Fighting. More vaginal breezeways. It's EXACTLY what our Founding Fathers dreamed this nation would be, and it is our right and duty to carry out the meaning of their creed. Wars have been fought, blood has been shed, and proud soldiers have died so that we can enjoy such things. Not partaking in such an activity at such a venue would not only be Un-American, it would make you a terrorist.
One friend of mine tried to tell me he couldn't make it on Saturday night. I presented him with the following line of questioning:
Me: Let me ask you something, did you vote last Tuesday?
Him: Yes, of course.
Me: And why did you vote?
Him: Because it's my Constitutional right to do so?
Me: So how is it not your Constitutional right, nay, your Constitutional DUTY to enjoy Ultimate Fighting while eating wings and drinking beer at Hooters?
Him: I hate you.
In conclusion, I encourage all of you to spend this Saturday being a True American, and watching the Couture/Lesnar fight in the friendly confines of your nearest Hooters, strip club, or any other local establishment that serves horribly unhealthy food, beer, and simultaneously degrades women. Because if you don't, you'll make the bald eagle cry, like he did on 9/11.