Tuesday, November 25, 2008

This Week in Route 1 Football

Dreams often die in an inglorious, painful manner. HZMLS’ dream of bedding Matt Ryan was recently halted with a restraining order. SmartyBarrett’s dream of URI basketball being relevant died when Lamar Odom left school without having learned to read. FutureMrs’ dream of being the centerpiece of a Bruins Blue Line Bukkake Bonanza…well, she’s actually still working on that.

However, two dreams of mine died this weekend, in a painful, violent manner. My first – being able to eat dozens of pounds of meat without fear of consequence or anal retribution – nearly came to fruition on Friday night, when my loving friends took me to Midwest Grill, a Brazilian steakhouse on Route 1. And my, did we feast and drink like noblemen of yore! Pork tenderloin, kielbasa, roast beef, steak tips, sausage, chicken wrapped in bacon – all were consumed in mass quantities and with great joy, accompanied by the finest of ales lubricating our collective sense of public decorum. It was, as I may have noted, a perfect evening…or so I thought.

The first inkling that something was amiss came during my boxing sparring session Saturday morning. Figuring that I’d simply sweat out the calories and alcohol consumed the night before while simultaneously punching people in the head, my plans were going well until...OH DEAR GOD, I sprinted to the men’s room and laid waste to the commode. I was literally in there for a half hour, and came out shaking and sweating like a trauma victim, and immediately departed for home. I then spent the next 36 hours without sleep or comfort, having similar colonic explosions roughly 20-25 more times. I shit ye not. (I’m so punny) At the end, I wasn’t even crapping anything solid out, it was just water, tears and pain. With that, my dream of eating my body weight’s worth of meat without fear of consequence had been dashed in a violent, painful, explosive manner.

A similar dream died on Saturday night. My angling for a Florida/Texas Tech BCS Championship has been well publicized, and I had nearly-pornographic dreams of a 70-63 championship shootout that would resemble football on high doses of cocaine. It would, in my mind, have been the perfect football game – my Gators in a dick-measuring contest with a worthy adversary, with more points than your best-ever Skee Ball game. But Oklahoma (way to have a dumb shape for a state by the way) decided to not only end that dream, but do so in embarrassing fashion, hanging up 65 on the overmatched Red Raiders and turning the pre-pubescent looking Sam Bradford into a top-3 Heisman contender. Sure, Oklahoma-Florida or Texas-Florida or even USC-Florida (my boys ain’t losing the SEC Championship…it’s just not happening) will be good, but Florida/Texas Tech could have been great.

So what lessons did I learn from this painful weekend? Don’t dream. Ever. Don’t hope, don’t dream, don’t wish for anything, don’t believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny or Jesus. Any slight feelings of optimism about the future will only end in you dry-heaving out of your ass for the 20th time while watching Oklahoma score another touchdown. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

Hooters Real Fucking Deal Award – Begrudgingly, I have to give this award to Oklahoma, despite them performing the football equivalent of stealing my Teddy Ruxpin doll that I got for Christmas when I was six. Oklahoma is really, really good. They can pass, they can run, they can defend, and they can make offensive juggernauts like Texas Tech look absolutely fucking silly on the field. They lead the nation in scoring, at nearly 53 points per game. Sam Bradford could be the No. 1 pick in the draft this year. They’ve beaten the snot out of Cincinnati, Kansas, TCU, Texas Tech and Nebraska, all of whom will go to a bowl this year. But is their coach obsessed with pirates? Yeah, thought not.

Weylu’s Epic Fail of the Week – Look, I know that LSU lost a bunch of top players, and kicked their starting QB off the team prior to the season, and their houses blew over in the hurricane and blah blah blah. But guess what LSU – you’re the defending national champions. You have top-five recruiting classes every year. You may have the most talented D-line in the country. And yet you get blown out by Ole Miss? And lose by a combined 44 points to GeorgiaFlorida? And have to come back from 28 points down to Troy? and Epic Fail. LSU, you bleaux. Have fun geauxing to the Gaylord City Music Bowl.

Kowloon’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Fun Award – I actually was able to watch the Oregon State/Arizona game at Kowloon’s (note: Chinese food does more harm than good when battling explosive diarrhea), and saw Oregon State keep its Rose Bowl hopes alive with a game-winning field goal with no time left. I like this Oregon State team. First off, I’m in support of anyone voluntarily named the “Beavers.” They have more uniform combinations than Malibu Barbie. Also, they’ve got a running back who may actually be a midget, but who has a little Barry Sanders in him and made USC look absolutely silly when they knocked off USC earlier this year. Sammie Strougher, when healthy, may be the most underrated wideout in the country. And if they beat Oregon this Saturday, Oregon State, and not USC, will actually be the winner of the Pac-10. Suck on that Pete Carroll.

Karl’s Sausage Kitchen Team that Doesn’t Scare Me Award – This award goes to anyone from the ACC. There is not an even halfway decent team in this conference, and yes, I’m including HZMLS’ beloved BC Eagles, who will now be starting former US gymnastics Olympian Dominique Dawes at quarterback for the rest of the year. Florida State, the current Atlantic Division leader, will probably lose by at least 30 this weekend to my Gators. Georgia Tech, the Coastal Division leader, lost to freaking Virginia. Clemson is the biggest waste of talent since Amy Winehouse decided to become a professional crackhead. They don’t have a team ranked in the top 19 of the BCS standings. The ACC, kids, sucks, and it pains me that I’ve had to endure far too many of their games this year, while I could have been watching something more exciting, like quadriplegics trying to have sex.

Closing of Russo’s Candy House Disappointment of the Week – I detailed this mostly above, but…Texas Tech…seriously? That’s the best you could do? I get that Oklahoma is talented and all, but you’ve got Michael Fucking Crabtree (actually his middle name) and you can only put up 21 points? To quote my Dad from when he caught me drunk and stoned coming home from the Danvers Fireworks when I was 15, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”

Frank Giuffrida Memorial Exalted Human Being Award – This award clearly has to go to Big Chief Not Old Looking Enough for Firewater Sam Bradford, who passed for 304 yards and four TDs on only 19 pass attempts. That is what the Japanese call “some motherfucking efficiency,” and worthy of the Baked Stuffed Haddock, a moist haddock (which the Indians taught us to fish for!) stuffed with seafood stuffing. It is served with your choice of potato, vegetable, or soul-crushing disappointment.

No comments: