Wednesday, November 12, 2008

This Week in Route 1 Football

There are times, in life, where one must face down his fears. Those with a fear of heights often go skydiving, those with claustrophobia will sometimes force themselves to endure crowded New York streets, and those with a fear of snakes will defeat that fear by staring down the meanest, most venomous snake they can find.

I faced down my greatest fear this afternoon. I went inside Karl's Sausage Kitchen. And I came out alive, and with $19 of delicious, fresh-made meat.

The visit came on a dare mostly. The girlfriend and I were at the Salvation Army, looking for awesome t-shirts (I got one that says "Mudiga Steaks" with a picture of a Roman Senator dude holding a giant hamburger, with two keys in his other hand for no apparent reason, it cost 99 cents and you're painfully jealous), and as we were walking into the parking lot, we saw a faint "OPEN" light flickering in the window of Karl's, which was shocking because I thought the place was never actually open. Our conversation went something like this:

FuturemrsGHABB,Y: I fucking dare you.
GHABB,Y: B..b....b.....but I'm scurred.

Yet, the power of peer pressure and curiosity brought me to the magical meat-atorium, and after saying a silent prayer to any and all holy beings that may have been listening, the girlfriend and I entered the doorway of Karl's Sausage kitchen, sure we'd see mobsters grinding up bodies, piles of dead hookers, or maybe even Elvis and Tupac listening to European techno and chuckling to themselves.

Instead we saw meat. And chocolate. Pounds and pounds of the rarest, freshest meats I'd ever seen, with more fresh sausages being made in the store's kitchen area. Meanwhile, the walls were adorned with fine imported chocolates. And none of this Toblerone shit either, Karl's had Kinder Bueno, which is a chocolate bar so good that, should a mere mortal attempt to even eat a piece, its head will implode like a Vegas casino built before 1998.

"I've driven by this place for years, but never knew you guys were actually open," I admitted to the kind-looking older gentleman behind the counter.

"Ah yes, we hear that a lot," he replied. Nice Old Dude then told me that Karl's has "been a great secret kept by the local German community for over 50 years," and handed me a brochure that boasted of the numerous awards and ridiculously huge variety of meats, cheeses and chocolates found in the store. Have you ever SEEN fresh triple-smoked bacon? It's like staring into the eyes of God, or brushing Tom Selleck's mustache. And their variety of meat was insane too, like walking into an episode of "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern." (awesome show, btw) Karl's has 14 different kinds of fresh sausage, and 12 different kinds of smoked sausage. They offer three separate Norwegian cheeses. Six different mustards. I didn't even know there were six mustards for fuck's sake.

Nice Old Dude saw our curiousity, and out of the goodness of his German heart, let us sample whatever we would like (apparently we didn't look like Jews). My girlfriend and I tried Zungenwurst (weird texture but good), two different kinds of Liverwurst (both fantastic), and this Pepperloaf that was amazing. If you're a fan of meat and chocolate, as any walking human being should be, Karl's Sausage Kitchen is Meat and Chocolate Heaven, and not, say, the scariest place in the world where hookers are ground up into itsy bitsy parts. Though the Polish Sausage did have a hint of glittery eye shadow in it. Hmm. Must be nothing.

Anyways, enough of my shilling and onto the awards:
Hooters Real Fucking Deal Award - The only thing I love more than meat and chocolate is a football team that scores at will. That's why this week's Hooters Award goes to the ONLY two teams that should be playing in the BCS Championship: Florida and Texas Tech. In the first half against a pretty good Vanderbilt team, Florida proceeded to block two kicks, hold Vandy to no first downs, and score on every possession but one, where the officials mistakedly ruled a Percy Harvin touchdown as a fumble, even though replay showed he obviously crossed the plane. Halftime score: 35-0. Meanwhile, Texas Tech absolutely beat the piss out of the Oklahoma State T. Boone Pickens Wind Farms, 56-20. These are the two best teams in college football. A national championship involving anyone other than these two teams would be a travesty of justice. A national championship involving these two teams would provide more boners than Viagra, Cialis and Hannah Montana combined. It has to happen. It must happen. It will happen?

Weylu's Epic Fail of the Week - My dream of Florida/Texas Tech became more of a reality when Penn State, with a smoother ride ahead of them than Chasey Lane's mons pubis, choked in a way that 81-year-old men do when they eat cashews, losing to Iowa 24-23. Simply put, this score made me happier than when the Ultimate Warrior beat Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6. Penn State was a not-terribly-impressive team with a fraudulent record that was backdooring their way into the national championship due only to the fact that Big Ten football is being played at a third-grade level this year. I could name 15 teams off the top of my head that would absolutely kill Penn State, but one of them was certainly not the Iowa Hawkeyes, who actually did America proud and killed the Paper Lions. Christ, walking into that "Paper Lions" ending made me feel like fucking Lupica for a second, hold on while I go bathe myself in lye and Purell.

No, I don't love a bargain.

Kowloon's Good Ol' Fashioned Fun Award: This award obviously has to go to Iowa/Penn State, both for its dramatic finish and the fact that it may actually be listed as the sole cause on Joe Paterno's death certificate. By the way, Joe Paterno wins the first and only "Christmas Tree Shop One Step Closer to Death" Award. Ever wonder what your on-death's-door grandmother does during the day? She, along with 30,000 other senior citizens go to the Christmas Tree Shop on Route 1, creating shopping cart gridlock that would make the 405 in Los Angeles jealous. Seriously, the owner of every Christmas Tree Shop has the local coroner on speed dial because so many old people probably die in that store, hunched over $3 snowman figurines.

However, the most fun game for some of our Mass Hysteria editors and friends was certainly BC/Notre Dame, as evidenced by the AWESOME Youtube video that HZMLS put up before Saturday's game. I've already watched that thing 30 times, taking time out in between to urinate on a Ron Powlus jersey.

Karl's Sausage Kitchen "Team that Doesn't Scare Me Anymore" Award - As evidenced by the paragraphs above, I have now come to terms with my fear of Karl's, and actually learned to embrace its meaty goodness. Something else I don't fear is Alabama, despite their No. 1 ranking and undefeated record. It could be because their quarterback, John Parker Wilson, has a stupid name and had a gay TV show made about his high school (Hoover High in AL). It could be that they barely beat an LSU team that both Florida and Georgia anally fisted. Or it could be that their passing offense ranks 100th nationally. You don't scare me Allerbamerr. Even if Nick Satan is your head coach.

Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award - Daniel Murray, you are a unicorn of happiness and glee. You are Indiana Jones, saving the universe. You are Santa Claus and Matlock combined, defeating dastardly old people while bringing presents of great joy to the college football landscape. I know that you hadn't made a field goal since the season opener, but you came through, with two seconds left, to overcome the Nittany Lion Menace and make us one step closer to Florida/Texas Tech in ArenaCollegeBowl I: Football on Cocaine. For your heroic efforts, Daniel Murray, I award you the Hilltop's newest dish, the Chicken Marsala. Its sauteed chicken breast in Marsala wine sauce with mushrooms served over pasta is the least I can do to tell you how special and wonderful you truly are.


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

GHABBY you are a stronger man than I

futuremrsrickankiel said...


Zungenwurst, eh? Did the kindly old man tell you that's sausage made of ground-up tongue?

Also: Kinder Bueno is like slow, sensual, by-the-fireside lovemaking wrapped in a velvety chocolate blanket. Mmm.

stanley cup of chowder said...

Wow, I have never seen Karl's Sausage Kitchen ever open and I have driven route 1 a lot.

Starting Aces said...

I got some smoked sausage there that was made with wild boar years back.

If you absolutely need to feel like a motherfucking viking, eating wild boar is the fast track.

Anonymous said...

YAAAAY! Beef, Cheese, & Chocolate.

If it had been Chocolate, Coffee, and Cocaine, you'd have been in Colombia.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I rue the day I introduced you queens to Blingee.

Anonymous said...

In my area, there are a couple of smoked meat shops. They go from the chi chi Saratoga style to the "we just came out of the woods for pillaging" style. Oscar's in Warrensburg is somewhat on that route.
Jo Pa...who will be found as similarly dressed out as Ted Williams one of these days. Leading to the investigation that uncovers he has been a hologram all this year.
My word verification is "spern". ??