Thursday, November 6, 2008

This Week in Route 1 Football

Given that I’ve already chronicled most of my college football watching for last Saturday here and here, I’d just like to take this opportunity to present to you what an eight-team college football playoff would look like (going by the BCS rankings) if the season ended today:

1. Alabama (9-0) vs. 8. Utah (9-0)
2. Texas Tech (9-0) vs. 7. USC (7-1)

3. Penn State (9-0) vs. 6. Oklahoma (8-1)

4. Texas (8-1) vs. 5. Florida (5-1)

Holy shit. Just let those matchups soak in for a second. There’s not a game on that list that I wouldn’t cream my jeans watching, aside from maybe ‘Bama/Utah, which is still remotely intriguing. And imagine the second round:Alabama vs. Texas. Alabama vs. Florida. Texas Tech vs. Penn State. Texas Tech vs. Oklahoma. Penn State vs. USC. USC vs. Oklahoma. Um, and the finals? That shit would be ridiculous. It would get "Final Episode of M*A*S*H" ratings. Every office in the country would have an NCAA Football pool, and Vegas could build four new casinos with the revenues from this tournament alone.

But instead, we’ve got the bowl system, full of projected matchups like Georgia Tech vs. West Virginia in the Orange Bowl, and a USC/Ohio State rematch in the Rose Bowl. That vaunted Texas Tech offense is projected to play…Boise State or Arizona? Oklahoma slated to go to the Cotton Bowl? Whoopity shit.

Tuesday’s election promised “Change,” and I hope that, as he stated on Monday Night Football, some of Obama’s attention will be focused on bringing a playoff to college football. While this is probably the 38,850th time you’ve read this, the current bowl system is utter and complete bullshit, and pales in comparison to What Could Be in a glorious playoff of awesomeness. Cmon Barack. Take a few seconds away from fixing the economy, the war, the housing crisis, Wall Street, taxes and health care, and focus on something REALLY important: a college football playoff.

Now that I’m off my soapbox, onto the awards.

Hooters Real Fucking Deal Award: Hmm…the team I love more than life itself whooped up on the preseason No. 1 school by a score of 49-10, bringing me great joy and happiness. Whoever could possibly win this award? Oh that’s right, it’s the Florida Gators, who have now defeated their last four SEC opponents 201-43. With nobody of note left on the regular season schedule, it will probably be Florida vs. Alabama in the SEC Championship game, with a National Title bid on the line. I'm giddy.

Kowloon’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Fun Award – While I was ridiculously drunk, wearing a cape and crown and eating a chicken carcass, the Texas/Texas Tech game sure looked like one helluva game. That last-minute Tech drive where Michael Crabtree used his god-like receiver abilities to score a touchdown with one second left might have been the most memorable moment in this entire college football season. I would LOVE to see a Florida/Texas Tech national championship, if only because the score would put the ArenaBowl to shame. However, given that Tech is playing Oklahoma State, Oklahoma and probably Missouri in the next four weeks, I don’t love their chances. Still, they put up a helluva performance against Texas, and caused Colt McCoy considerable pain and sadness, which I’m all for. Also, their coach is obsessed with pirates, which is infinitely cool.

Krispy Kreme “Let Me Lick Your Tears of Unfathomable Sadness” Award – Being from Massachusetts, I am, and always will be, a Dunkin Donuts man. Despite my diabetes and aversion to coffee, I am both used to and completely fine with the fact that there is a Dunkin Donuts on every block, or on the case of High Street in Danvers, two on the same block. This is Massachusetts, and we don’t take kindly to any other coffee (that means you, Starbucks) or donut joint trying to infringe on our beloved Dunks.

So when Krispy Kreme tried to enter the Massachusetts marketplace, and in the place of my beloved Russo’s Candy House BY THE WAY, I was both insulted and eagerly anticipating their quick failure, which took only about a year to occur. Their failure felt so good, both because they bulldozed a local landmark, and because they were trying to harm Our Dunks. Watching them fail made me feel like Cartman in the “Scott Tenorman Must Die Episode,” where he licked the tears of a boy whose parents had been ground into a chili that he was consuming. If you haven't seen that episode, you need to. NOW.

Aaaanyways, the inaugural Krispy Kreme Tears of Unfathomable Sadness Award goes to Michigan, who became bowl ineligible this week after falling to 2-7 after a loss to Purdue. Michigan fans are annoying and have a dumb fight song, so seeing them have their worst year evAr is joyous, as is the sight of slimeball Rich Rodridguez falling flat on his face. Let me taste your tears, RichRod. They taste so good.

Weylu’s Epic Fail Award – One of our loyal readers is a Syracuse alum, and even he will tell you that the decline of the once-great Orange program has been one of the saddest of the 21st century. Syracuse barely beat Northeastern this year, and has lost by an average of 33-19 in their games this year, including a 42-28 pasting by the Akron Zips of all teams. So for Louisville to lose to the Not-So-Mighty Orange, a Louisville team led by a QB in Hunter Cantwell that was a rumored first-round pick prior to the season, well, that’s an Epic Fail and a half. Even worse, this was the second straight win by Syracuse over Louisville, and came at a time when it seemed that the 5-2 Cardinal was getting their shit together. That’s apparently what you get for playing in a stadium named after Papa John, the douchiest carbohydrate merchant in the land. Hey Tom Jackson, who's an Epic Fail this week? "LOUISVILLE!" Oh, and fuck Rick Pitino.

Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award – While it’s quite difficult not to award this to the entire Florida Gator roster for bringing me such joy on Saturday, the Frank Giuffrida Award simply must go to Texas Tech pass-catching machine Michael Crabtree. Simply put, Michael Crabtree may be the best college wide receiver I’ve ever seen. Dude caught a record 134 passes as a redshirt freshman last year, with 22 goddamned touchdowns. This year, despite being triple-covered every time he steps on the field, Crabtree still has 70 catches and 15 TDs, including his reecoculous grab with one second left to beat Texas on Saturday. The man deserves the famous Hilltop 14oz Prime Rib, seasoned with the House rub and hand cut to order.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Pete Carroll agrees with you.

Also, I'm pretty sure Obama complained about the bowl system during his halftime interview with Boomer on Monday night. There's hope yet!

Not that I give a shit.

Pepster said...

Although Crabtree is redonkulous, and his run after the catch for the last second TD was amazing, I would have loved for him to have stepped out-of-bounds, leaving 4 seconds for the field goal by the kid Texas Tech took out of the stands a few weeks ago.

Now that, would have been a story.

Dubs said...

I can't wait for JC to get that steak next week. Oh it's gonna feel so good HMLS.

Anonymous said...

Graham Herrel was awesome! And his after the game comments were great. I enjoyed the Dan Patrick interview earlier in the week. Fun guy.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and grew up in Syracuse area, went to college at ESF *state school behind the Dome* and this last few years topped with this year have been hell. I am at the point where everything is so comical. (Laughing through the tears).

GHABB,Y~! said...

Oh, Dubs, I had assumed you were a SU grad, so I wanted to throw you some love with the Orange coverage. Not to worry though, Johnny Flynn's reign of asskicking is only about a month away.