Thursday, November 13, 2008

Patriots Celebrity Preview: Daisuke Matsuzaka


For two years, I have been quiet and still as placid koi pond on warm spring day. But today, I, Daisuke Matsuzaka, have found my honor and valor betrayed by the distasteful media rogues, who chose not to bestow American League Cy Young sword upon my waiting shoulders. Rather than show these writers the way of the sword and behead them in samurai manner, I instead have taken the Middle Path and am releasing my frustrations in the written word, while also previewing tonight's Patriots/Jets warrior battle.


Through entirety of 2008 Year of the Rat, I sacrifice my body like those who gave their lives to Emperor Hirohito generations ago. I win 18 games with precision of Ginsu knife, and ERA of 2.90 lower than those who choose not to take their shoes off when they enter a house. Patriots exhibit similar honorable sacrifice, as General Belichick heroically leads the Imperial Patriots against the Western evils of National Football League. His work ethic much like that of Japanese, where employer comes before family, religion, and in Belichick case, fashion sense and personal hygeine. Daisuke have great respect for General Belichick, and bows deeply in his honor.


Meanwhile, Jets have performed most dishonorably in their quest for enlightenment, and will be chopped down Russians in Russo-Japanese War. Most horrid act came last year, as their betrayal of honor and custom in "Spygate" scandal brought much shame upon their house and families. This year, new Jet Emperor Brett Favre, considers himself disciplined for playing in 267 consecutive games while evil Western drugs make his accomplishments as cheap and soulless as a California Roll. Besides, Favre-san throw football with recklessness of kamikaze, minus the honor of dying for his glorious country. Daisuke feel that Jets deserve fate similar to Hiroshima and Nagasaki.


Now, a true enlightened being can see own faults, such as Daisuke tendency to allow opposing baserunners more than anyone else in Major League, or high postseason ERA. Daisuke however channel such faults into ability to escape bases-loaded situations, and use power of Confucious to will Red Sox batters to high run support. The Patriots too have faults, such as losing top four running backs, record-holding quarterback, starting safety and linebackers slower than Chinese industrialization. However, like Daisuke, Patriots find inner will and power of Japanese Warrior to win games, and they therefore shall overcome obstacles and defeat dishonorable Jets.


Confucious say Patriots 27, Jets 14. Now kindly bring Daisuke American League Cy Young, or I shall karate kick your fucking face off.

No comments: