Celtics v. Bucks, Friday, 7:30 pm. The Bucks are one of those teams that I deliberately choose to be ignorant about because I consider knowing anything about them to be an active waste of my already-endangered brain cells. (Seriously, I do the same thing with the entire sport of tennis. I've gone 24 years refusing to learn how the whole scoring-point-game-match-whatever works, and I always cut people off when they try to explain it to me. Fuck you, tennis! I've got minor league ballplayers' birthdays and measurements to memorize!) Every time I hear about them, I undergo a brief flicker of "they traded us Kevin Garnett, right?" And then I remember that Milwaukee and Minnesota are not the same place, and then I care about the Bucks even less than I previously did. In conclusion, I do not give a shit about anything west of Natick. The Bucks are a bunch of smelly foreigners and we're going to beat them. Hurrah!
Bruins v. Sabres, Saturday, 7:00 pm.
[gets weak in the knees]
What? Oh, right. The first of two divisional match-ups against various Buffalo teams this weekend (and the first of three times we'll face the Sabres this month). A regulation win will put Boston ahead of Buffalo 19-18 in the standings and, depending on how Montreal fares against the Leafs and hot new Blue Jackets goalie Steve Mason, could give the Bruins first place in the division (don't hold your breath on that one, though). Ryan Miller is adorable and looks like Jim Craig in much the way that Trent Edwards is adorable and looks like my next boyfriend, but if (as previously discussed) the Bruins can keep up their intensity level and play solid defense down low, we stand a good chance of beating this team.
Boston College Eagles v. Notre Dame Irish, Saturday, 8:00 pm. Some people care. I don't. All I care about is that I'll have to avoid the Green Line like the plague all day Saturday, since it'll be crawling with drunk freckly asshats in Irish gear and irritating biddies in Ugg boots and Superfan shirts. As a veteran of Catholic school, I have many friends who've gone to both schools. I've also hooked up with my share of men from each one, and by and large the BC guys are more douchetacular and prone to bizarre fabrication (e.g. "I'm six-foot-five!" when I'm standing right in front of him and can PLAINLY see that he's not a hair above six-two. Really?!). Hence, I suppose the Irish marginally edge out the Eagles in my favor. Go Irish. Woo.
Patriots v. Bills, Sunday, 1:00 pm. See, this is why I fucking love this time of year. You can go enjoy the weather on Saturday (pick some apples, take a walk in the woods, maybe have hot dirty sex in a barn somewhere or something), come home, watch hockey and football over beers and trans-fatty acids all evening, hit the town as soon as the games are done, maybe bag yourself some South Shore ass in the bargain, and roll out of bed on Sunday with a day of football ahead of you and leftover beers in the fridge to nurse away the hangovers. Fuck you, baseball season. There is no time in sports quite as spectacularly awesome as late fall.
Anyhoodle, Trent Edwards and his baffling Bills will meet the Patriots at Gillette Stadium this Sunday to finally settle the question of Which Pretty-Boy Quarterback Is Currently Enjoying a More Inflated Record. My money's on the Bills for that one, incidentally. The Jets get to play the Rams this weekend (remember what they did to the Cardinals? Yikes!), soooo it's important that we win this one in order to keep pace in the divisional standings. Long-time Mass Hysteria buddy and loyal Bills fan Rocco will no doubt chime in to share his thoughts on the game, at which point we'll all call him a retard redneck homer and other terrible things we'll later wish we could take back. Sports, baby!
Celtics @ Pistons, 6:00 pm. The boys in green play their second game of the weekend against the conference-leading 4-0 Pistons and their shiny new shooting guard. If you've still got gas in your tank after drinking your way through all that hockey and football, don't miss this hot Eastern Conference matchup.
Update: I incorrectly stated above that a regulation win over Buffalo would place us above them in the division standings. I hadn't realized that Buffalo is scheduled to play Atlanta on Friday; naturally, the outcome of that game will affect the standings as well.