Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Most Valuable Balls: Dustin Pedroia

According to ESPN, Red Sox second baseman has won the American League MVP award, beating out such luminaries as Justin Morneau, Carlos Quentin and Kevin Youkilis.

Now, some may point to Pedroia's .326 average, or .949 post All-Star OPS, or his exceptional performances in August and September, leading the Sox to a Wild Card berth and a spot in the ALCS. But we at Mass Hysteria know what really won Pedroia the MVP award for 2008: Giant. Fucking. Balls.

Anyone who has ever watched Pedroia play know that his greatest asset is not his keen batter's eye or fielding prowess, but rather his elephantine testicles that serve as the fuel for his every movement on a baseball field. Diving for that grounder up the middle? Motivated by huge nuts. Double in the gap to start a rally? Powered by the two plums in his testi-satchel. Game-winning RBI or Home Run? If you look in super slow-motion, it's not actually his bat knocking in those runs, but rather the power of his undulating testicles, smacking the helpless baseball into the great beyond.

Say what you will about the Justin Morneaus or Carlos Quentins of the world and their sabermetrically fantastic years, but the BBWA awarded Dustin Pedroia the AL MVP award for one reason, and one reason only. Well, actually two reasons, and those two reasons will probably be fondled by a stripper or model or porn star tonight in celebration. Congrats, Dustin. May your balls be treated tonight like the Most Valuable balls that they are.

Edit: It should also be noted that Pedroia now has more MVPs than Manny Ramirez and as many as Yaz, Roger Clemens, Ken Griffey Jr., Babe Ruth and Terry Pendleton.


futuremrsrickankiel said...


I love Pedey, but this is crap.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

and Jason Bartlett somehow got a vote, who ever voted for him deserves to be eviscerated.

Rocco said...

Crap? I think he was clearly the most valuable player on that team. I don't follow the other AL teams closely enough to know who else was that valuable to their club. That's the award.

those two reasons will probably be fondled by a stripper or model or porn star tonight in celebration

I would like that treatment as well. Where do I sign up for that?

Anonymous said...

I just like the ability to know that at some point during a game, I might be able to shout "PEDEY!" after some awesomeness. I will not comment on balls untouched by me!
Boatdrinks...yes, I am a girl.