Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving From the Hysterics!

Happy Thanksgiving from Mass Hysteria Each editor sat down and considered what we are thankful for.
I'm thankful for...

Tim Tebow, for creating the universe in six days and throwing for 350 yards with two passing TDs and three rushing TDs on the seventh…

The Strongbow, Woodchuck and Magners companies for creating highly alcoholic beverages with 1/3 of the carbohydrates of beer…

Televised violence, be it real or scripted by nature…

The fact that people record things that the Iron Sheik says…

Natural breasts between a C and D cup…

The elliptical machine, the stairmaster and the exercise bike, all of which have helped me lose 25lbs in the past two months, with the help of Iron Maiden's Rock in Rio live album…

The fact that the Celtics only have to play Carmelo Anthony twice this year…

20 Hooters wings, mild, breaded, all drums and with extra ranch and celery…

Paul Pierce and Randy Couture, the two toughest bastards since Frank A. Gotch…

The simultaneous Epic Fail seasons of Georgia, Tennessee, Florida State, Miami and LSU…

Kevin Garnett and Leon Powe being the two most intimidating black men ever…

Kristen Bell and Mary-Louise Parker, who are responsible for the death of literally billions of my future children…

Insulin, sweet sweet insulin…

Percy Harvin, Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps being faster than Justine Colby in sixth grade…

The fact that Tyler Hansbrough will be a worse pro than Brian Cardinal…

The Rocky IV training montage being on Youtube, for whenever I'm feeling unmotivated…

That part in a porn when she rides reverse cowgirl and you can see her tits bouncing up and down while her back is arched and she has that "I'm being filled out like an application" look on her face, and sometimes she'll slow the rhythm and do the squirm thing and, well, you get the gist…

Banner 17, and the fact that my liver survived it.

is thankful for...

Her brand-new Tim Thomas third jersey, which she will be wearing when her Bruins wear them for the first time at the game this Friday afternoon;

The Magic Hat sampler currently sitting in her fridge;

Glittery logos;

Soy lattes of all shapes and sizes, but particularly the seasonal varieties (e.g. pumpkin spice and gingersnap);

Boys with freckles and long curly eyelashes;

Her ability, which occasionally comes as a shock even to her, to suspend her otherwise rampant cynicism in the name of holiday cheer;

and her little brother and sister.

A Pimp Named DaveR
I'm thankful....

-- That I still have a job, and don't have to rely on MH to pay my bills. Because, you know, it don't pay nuttin.

-- That my mancrush on Jason Bay has not yet resulted in any restraining orders.

-- That if anyone had to win the World Series other than the Sox, it was the Phillies.

-- That large concrete slabs have not fallen on me while driving through Boston.

-- That I did not attend the meatfest for GHABB,Y's birthday and pick up the Intestinal Virus from Hades.

-- That the Red Sox's organizational hearts grew three sizes that day, and they decided NOT raise the highest ticket prices in the league the week the stock market was losing 45,000 points.

-- That the Tom Brady injury has shown that it's the organizational system, not any one individual player, that has led to the Pats' success.

-- For family, loved ones, fellow bloggers, and so forth. Happy holiday!

Worthington P. Foxtrotty

Felicitations of the Thanks-giving, dear friends! I bring ye the good tidings of myself and my noble employer, the Boston Daily American and Irish-Abuser! The gentlefolk at this establishment have prevailed upon me to contribute a list of blessings for which I consider myself thankful this year. I am happy to comply forthwith! In the year past, I, Worthington Praseodymium Foxtrotty, give thanks to our Lord and Saviour for:

• The Potato Famine, which hopefully will rid us of the Irish scourge within our life-times!
• The moneychanging Jew who cashes my pay-checques on the second Friday of each month with dispatch. May you thrive and prosper, Son of the Tribes of David!
• The Dread Pirate Ramirez exscaping to the Alta California, and no longer molesting the name of our fair Boston Red Stockings!
• The exploits of the Greek Hebrite Youkilis and the diminutive Portugee Pedroia, each of whom was worthy of laudation in this past season of bases-ball!
• The passing of my bout of cholera in under three weeks!
• The demonic Babbage device that the proprietors of the "Mass Hysteria" journal have provided for me to conduct "browsing" on the "inter-net"! What magicks!
• The British Empire, which has done more to civilize the savages (save the Irish) than any other force in recorded history! Carry your burden proudly, noble white man!
• The great Mr. Lincoln, for enabling gentlemen of colour like my good friend, the Free Negro Ortiz, to walk amongst us as freed-men!
• Tincture of laudanum.

May the cold of winter claim none of your children this year, dear friends!

Smarty Barrett
I'm thankful:

For epic 8-run comebacks that remind us why we fell in love with baseball in the first place.

For gluten-free pizza and gluten-free beer.

For Matt Cassel, which will surely provide us with some assorted excitements in the coming months.

For Question 2.

For FutureMrsRickAnkiel for teaching me about hockey. Next up: what is "icing"?

That some people think Jimmy Baron is better than Tyler Hansbrough.

For YouPorn. Enough said.

For newer and geekier stats!

For GHABB,Y~!'s drunk posts...because the sheer entertainment of reading them makes me want to get drunk myself.

For the Detroit Lions, who remind me that it could always be worse.

For the great state of Rhode Island, providing sports fans with Dan Wheelers and Will Blackmons and Rocco Baldellis for over 200 years.

For karaoke, which has allowed me to showcase my incredibly white but incredibly entertaining rapping abilities.

That HzMLS petitioned the other Hysterics on my behalf, and that I was able to join this fine orgy of Boston sports blogging. It is some of the most fun I've ever had.

is thankful:

* For sitting in Section B at Alumni Stadium, so even if BC is getting their ass handed to them, I have at least 10 cheerleaders to watch and salivate over

* Jarod Mayo, for becoming the meast I always thought he would be. In my dreams I envision him shattering every bone in Brett Favre's body in the playoffs. How sweet that would be.

* That gas is now 1.85 a gallon. True my entire retirement fund is completely gone, but now it only cost me 20 bucks to fill my tank!

* The Kevin Garnett post game 6 interview with Michelle Tafoya. A combination of completely incoherent and FUCKING AWESOME

* For Guitar Hero and Rockband, which allows me to simultaneously rip a solo in Enter Sandman and be a complete loser all at the same time.

* That with every roster move, Theo Epstein is solidifying the public's belief that Boston hates black people.

* Bars that are within walking distance, so I never have to be concerned how I will be getting home

* Matt Ryan > Dan Marino, Peyton Manning & Terry Bradshaw COMBINED.

* That Artie Lange is somehow still alive even after years of constant heroin, cocaine, food, and alcohol abuse and still be one of the worlds best comics. How anyone's body can withstand that much destruction is beyond me.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'm liveblogging over on Footbawful! Come join if you're around!

stanley cup of chowder said...

I am thankful for the literary talents of one WP Foxtrotty. The offer of a small rationale of ale in exchange for lending your wordsmith skills to the Canadian fur trapper sport of ice hockey is still on the table Mr. Foxtrotty. I wish you and your family well during this time of giving thanks.

Rocco said...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Better late than never, right? (Kinda like her period.) I'm finally sober enough to get the computer turned on and check up on you guys.

Mmm, Magic Hat Winter Variety pack. #9, Circus Boy, Roxy Rolles, and Braggot.

Anonymous said...

Happy to everyone; forgot to leave a message the other day. I am thankful for masshysteria hysteria. I second the comment about Ghabby drunk posts, and throw in Mr. Foxtrotty's erudite method of analysis. Also, Futuremrs always makes me laugh...okay you all do. Damn you!
Boatdrinks, recovering from festivities with a light food day...