Friday, November 21, 2008

Digest of the Unindentured Servants of Bases-Ball

What ho, dear friends! It is I, Worthington P. Foxtrotty, once again reporting to you on the vicissitudes and travails of the local bases-ball club, the Boston Red Stockings! With the onset of the autumnal crimson, the contestment of bases-ball has ceased until the halcyons of Spring. However, readers, now is the time whence clubs may engage the employment of new and additional ruffians, Spaniards, or recently-gaoled juvenile delinquents for the forthcoming season, the better to defend the fair name of our beautiful Hub! Also, certain members of the team are now "freed men", no longer formally indentured to the Red Stockings for bases-ball purposes. As such, my superiors at the Boston Daily American and Irish-Abuser have challenged me to summarize the doings of the bases-ball labor market for our readers, the better to follow the comings and goings of the athletic heroes of yesterday and tomorrow. Ergo, I render unto you, dear reader, the following journal-digest of significant Unindentured Free Laborers this off-season.

Messr. Jason Varitek
Position: Catcher-of-ball
Other information: Of some sort of Slavic stock (perhaps Polish), likely Papist, slower than a diseased cargo burro.
Prior Club: Red Stockings

Messr. Varitek, who has squatted nightly as the catcher-of-ball for the Red Stockings for lo these several years, is the most noteworthy of the Red Stockings' newly-freed men. As is common in the vile negotiations among the underclasses, Messr. Varitek has hired a soliciter to represent him in any employment matters. I would suggest that the more fragile and delicate of readers skip the remainder of this paragraph, for the revelation of Messr. Varitek's solicitor shall certainly cause apoplexy in the fairer sex or those of a vaporous and/or homosexual mien. For Varitek's solicitor, dear friends, is the perfidious Spaniard Boras. Woe be we who are subjected to this damned brigand's mere presence! Surely we have displeased God to warrant such a plague!

Nonetheless, the Red Stockings will likely offer employment to Messr. Varitek, given the lack of suitable replacements in the Boston area. Even amongst the filthy laborers and Irish, the position of catcher-of-ball is not a popular avocation. An investigatory expedition has been dispatched to the Te-Xas territory in search of the rumoured Italianate Saltalamacchia, but no word has been heard from them since their departure from the St. Louis outpost.

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: Varitek will be employed for a package consisting of $0.75/day, a cleaner hovel, and no more than 2 square meals a day.

The Marquis de Quotsay
Position: Outfielder
Other Information: Purports to be nobility, likely non-Papist.
Prior Club: Red Stockings

This enigmatic gentleman is rumored to be returning to his native land of Belgium, where he claims to be distantly related to the royal family. Other rumors have him heading to the Confederacy to continute his barnstorming frolick as a vagabond bases-ball player.

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: Embarcation on the SS Redoubtable, currently mainfested to carry 20 tons of dry goods to Bruges.

The Dread Pirate Ramirez
Position: Pirate, Outfielder
Other Information: Spaniard, Damnable Papist, associate of the perfidious B-r-s.
Prior Club: last seen fleeing to the Alta California

What more can be said about Ramirez? His plunder, achieved via an unholy alliance with the perfidious B-r-s, shall surely oustrip that of Blackbeard and Cook combined. Woe be the travelling secretary who faces the sharp steel of the Dread Ramirez!

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: Remains with his despicable kind in the Alta California.

Don Marco Seignora de los Avocados Dulces de Nuestra Cienega de los Angeles del Teixeira
Position: First base, Potentate
Other information: Royalty, Hispano-Portugee, landed, dashing.
Prior Club: Los Angeles de Los Angeles del Anaheim.

Gentlemen of Boston, guard your daughters! This handsome, fiesty Latinate has expressed his willingness to bring his cultured and refined (for a Spaniard or Portugee or whatever he may be) court and coterie to an East Coast metropolis, should his extensive landholdings be increased sufficiently by a suitable patron. The Don, who purports to be a third cousin of King Phillip II himself, is but a mere strapling of 28 years, making his long-term presence all the more desirable, especially to rustic outposts like the District of Columbia, or that cesspool of Maryland Irish Catholics named after Lord Baltimore. Should he decide to grace the fair Hub with his presence, expect the Mighty Greek Youkilis to cede his position to the Don, leaving Messr. Lowell additional time to chase down and prosecute those responsible for the perfidious yet persistant rumour that he is the spawn of a Porto-Rican scullery maid.

Editor's note: As we have attempted to point out to Mr. Foxtrotty many times, the Greek Youkilis is actually a Hebrite.

But fie, it is true -- the foul stench of B-r-s has also permeated the noble Don. Will his mechanations never cease to vex? Word has it that the Highlanders, flush with cash from their accursed monpolistic trusts, also seek to woo the Don with promises of untold riches and vast estates on the Long Island. We shall see how this danse plays itself out, friends.

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: The Don brings his moveable feast to Nieuw Amsterdam in exchange for the villages of Albany, Syracuse, and Utica and a 25% interest in Carnegie Steel.

Freed-Man Carsten C. Sabathia
Position: Pitcher-of-ball
Other information: Of the Coloured persuasion, giant and oafish.
Prior club: Cleveland Spiders / Mila-waul-kee Drunken Krauts

This gigantic specimen, so lofty amongst pitchers-of-ball that he warranted a "heigh-ho" from the great Denton Young himself, is the most noteworthy of the currently unindentured pitchers-of-ball seeking future employment. However, his Brobdignagian girth and lumbering mien call into question his ability to remain active in the long term, not to mention the physical safety of his team-mates. Nonetheless, it is believed that a team will have to offer this Titan employment at a wage of no less than $3.25/week -- a lofty sum that few bases-ball clubs can call upon to remit for a day-laborer such as he.

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: Again, the schemes of the Highlanders and their nefarious trusts shall carry the day.

Messr. Derek Lowe
Position: Pitcher-of-ball
Other information: Irish, presumed Papist, drunkard, lout, strapping.
Prior club: Brooklyn

Followers of the Stockings surely remember Lowe the Irishman, he of the insatiable thirst for the Devil's Water and the darting sinker-ball. Many were the tales of Lowe's drunken rampages through the poorer slums of Dorchester, carousing well into the night with his fellow longshoremen and their battalions of ladies of the evening! After pitching the Stockings past the mighty Cardinals in the World's Series, Lowe was released at the behest of the more Puritanical members of the club's hierarchy, and left to seek employment with the Trolley-Dodgers to the south. Having found a modicum of success with the Brooklyns, and having achieved some functional level of sobriety in the mean-times, he is now seeking to renew ties with his old Boston haunts. Shall it be Lowe Redux in the Fens? We shall see, friends!

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: Inform the constabulary! Lowe has return'd!

Mr. Allan J. Burnett
Position: Pitcher-of-ball
Other information: Strapping, Caucasian, hillbilly, haemophiliac.
Previous club: Les Bleux Jais

Mr. Burnett hails from the Confederacy, in the Ar-Kansas territories. As genteel as one may reasonably expect from such a rustic, he would make a fine addition to any club, but for his remarkable frailty. As delicate as the works of the brothers Fabrege is Mr. Burnett. When he is not becalmed in the sanitarium, or seeking new and controversial treatments from Mr. Kellogg in Battle Creek, Michigan, he is a formidable pitcher-of-ball.

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: An additional year of colonic cleansing with Mr. Kellogg.

Senior Francisco Rodriguez
Position: Finishing Pitcher-of-ball
Other information: Spaniard, Papist, easily tired.
Previous club: Los Angeles de Los Angeles del Anaheim

A "compadre" (as the Spaniards would say in their guttural ur-language) of Don Teixeira, Snr. Rodriguez is known for his skills at overpowering hitters in short spells. However, he rapidly becomes fatigued in doing so, such that teams find they may only use him as a last resort in the waning sunset of a contest. However, he has proven quite effective in this role, and should achieve relative fortune from his efforts in the past season. The likelihood that he shall be seen in the Hub anon, however, is nil.

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: Continued toil at his avocation and his insidious Pope-worship.

Diego Mirabelli
Position: Catcher-of-ball
Other information: Foul Italianate, Papist.
Previous club: none!

Begone with thee, disgusting Italianate swine!

FOXTROTTY'S PREDICTION: Return to the foul sewer from whence thou emitted!

This reporter shall continue to follow developments in the bases-ball world as necessary. The ill-bred but entertaining rustics at the "Mass Hysteria" journal of sports have also provided me with what they refer to as an "E Mail". I know not what technology this constitutes; however, I am told that it involves a Babbage calculation device, and some other varieties of Edisonian majicks. In any event, they have indicated that you, dear reader, may contact me at, whatever devilry that may entail.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Cheers and huzzah for Messr. Foxtrotty!

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I am having trouble just getting past the picture.

stanley cup of chowder said...

Commendable work indeed Mr. Foxtrotty. May I inquire what business an upstart young wordsmith such as yourself is doing lending his talents to such a rag like this? This sporting publication is filled with mindless drivel written by immororal heathens who imbide in libations, wager on sporting contests, and socialize with painted whores. I would expect this behavior from uneducated rubes hailing from the rustic outposts of the Confederacy, but not from blue-blooded Northern young men who attended university. Young Mr. GHABBY may have been educated in this form of inappropriate behavior and malarky when he studied at the University of the Confederacy.

dubbschism said...