Saturday, November 1, 2008

Cocktail Party Liveblog: Second Half

5:22: Beginning of the second half, and Brandon James drops an easy third-down pass. If you weren’t Devin Hester 2.0 Mr. James, I’d have you executed for such a foible. Thankfully, the dude has returned like 58 kicks this year for touchdowns, so he’s allowed to live. For now.

5:32: Rich people in luxury boxes don’t drink Miller High Life. Homeless people or people who wear “Certified Vagina Inspector” t-shirts drink Miller High Life.

5:36: Knowshon Moreno just hurdled a Gator defender like he was Edwin Moses circa 1984. This is unfortunate.

5:38: Gator CB (and brother of BC’s starting running back) Joe Haden just picked off a Stafford pass and returned it all the way to the 1 yard line. This is fortunate.

5:40: Tebow just scored a GATOR TOUCHDOWN, cured polio, turned water into Boone’s Farm Wine, solved the housing crisis, and magically gave a flat-chested coed implants without even leaving an unsightly titty-scar. Gators 21, Bulldogs 3.

5:47: UGA responds to the Gator touchdown by going three-and-out. Momentum, God, Buddah, Yahweh, Mohammed, Shiva Destroyer of Worlds and Pan the Goat God are all on the Gators’ side right now.

5:53: TOUCHDOWN GATORS. Tebow threw a bomb to Louis Murphy, even though NFL scouts think he’s a glorified fullback with no ability to throw the deep ball and a fourth-round projection. In a related story, Mel Kiper Jr. can eat a dick. And yes, I know that Murphy may have grabbed UGA DB Asher Allen’s shirt, but all that counts to me right now is Gators 28, Bulldogs 3. It’s the SEC – if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.

5:57: Now might be a great time to note that, as I’ve been sitting here watching this game, drinking and typing funny words, the FutureMrsGHABB,Y has been cleaning our apartment top to bottom, cooking no less than three different types of food, preparing her ultra-intricate costume, and generally making preparations for the Halloween Party that we’re hosting tonight. Welcome to the next 40 years of your life honey, loooooove youuuuu.

6:02: Fumble, Georgia, followed by the utter joy of watchng a fat man run down the field. The aforementioned girlfriend’s reaction was “Oh my god, they’re playing that goddamned fight song AGAIN.” I then grabbed her boobies.

6:03: TOUCHDOWN, GATORS. While I love Barack Obama with all of my heart, I’m voting Tebow on Tuesday. Gators 35, Bulldogs 3.

6:08: You know, that Massaquoi guy for Georgia ain’t half bad. And if his NFL career doesn’t work out, he can rest easy knowing that his tribe will probably get him a cushy job at Mohegan Sun as a blackjack dealer or even a pit boss.

6:10: Interception, Gators. Stafford looks hurt. My genitalia looks engorged.

6:16: Fun stat of the game: The Gators have run 25 plays, and have 35 points. This is the same type of efficiency that caused the Japanese to invent square watermelons that fit better in your refrigerator.

6:24: A 54-yard Georgia pass was, of course, followed up by another Gator INT, this by Ahmad Black. Black, embarrassingly, was stopped from scoring a touchdown by the UGA quarterback. That’s like a half-step better than being tackled by the kicker I guess.

6:25: TOUCHDOWN GATORS. Tebow immediately throws a bomb to His Holiness Percy Harvin, who didn’t have a UGA defender within ten yards of him. This game would be embarrassing if it wasn’t, so, you know, fucking awesome. Gators 42, Bulldogs 3.

6:35: UGA, a has been their trend today, screws up a good play (a 60-yard kickoff return) by defecating all over themselves once again in Florida territory. Matthew Stafford has botched more easy opportunities than Jack Tripper.

6:39: I just had a near-heart attack when I saw Tebow come out for this series, but luckily it was only for just one play so he could get the send-off from the crowd that he’s so richly deserved. Backup John Brantley is now in the game, giving us a glimpse of Tebow 2.0.

6:42: To answer the remarks of some of our commenters, I’m currently drinking Woodchuck because it is currently impossible to find Strongbow within the 978 area code. And, strangely, Woodchuck (and to a greater extent, Strongbow) has 1/4th of the carbs of regular beer, making it better for the diabeetus. Trust me, I’ve looked it up. Oh, and TOUCHDOWN GATORS. Gators 49, Bulldogs 3.

6:48: Apparently, every other game on television right now is wildly exciting and extremely close in the fourth quafter. I, however, don’t care, because while exciting, none of those games qualify as “boneriffic” as this one does.

6:52: Aw, cute, Georgia scored a touchdown against the Gator walk-ons. Congrats Bulldogs, you’re within 40 now! Gators 49, Bulldogs 10.

6:55: The Gators DBs are doing some sort of group dance thing on the sidelines that makes me feel awkwardly Caucasian. I clearly need to drink more so I can try to recreate that dance about five more drinks from now.

7:00: I guess now’s as good a time as any to discuss the awesomeness of my Halloween costume. At the Topsfield Fair, they were selling giant, Fred Flintstone-esque turkey legs, like the size of your forearm. My girlfriend, however, would not let me get one, given that it was 10pm when I saw this magical pillar of manliness and it was therefore probably crawling with worms and bacteria. I swore at that moment to involve large legs of meat in my Halloween costume, and one crown, one robe and one cooked Rotisserie chicken later, I am going as King GHABB,Y, ruler of Meat and Large Beer Steins. I plan to pick away at the meat during the entirety of the party with my grease-laden bare hands, reveling in my manliness. It will rule immensely.

7:04: And that’s a wrap. Gators 49, Bulldogs 10. If there’s a better team in America right now, I haven’t seen em.


Anonymous said...

Drinking my Woodchuck, all your fault ghabby; SU is not sucking too badly.
Sorry HMLS

Anonymous said...

ANother TD!!

Pepster said...

Congrats GHABB,Y! Enjoy your win, and your party!

Matt T said...