Saturday, November 1, 2008

Cocktail Party Liveblog: First Half

3:30: We’re live at the GHABB,Y Palace of Wisdom. I’m currently adorned with my Reggie Nelson 2006 jersey (with the BCS bowl patch), my favorite Gators hat, and my “Back to Back to Back” Gators t-shirt. Clearly, I’m rooting for Georgia.

Medically speaking, my left leg is wrapped in ice and an Ace bandage, after taking a hard kick to the shin during Muay Thai sparring this morning. Moral of the story kids: If all you’ve ever practiced is boxing for a year, getting into a ring with someone who’s spent three years learning to kick like a mule ends really fucking poorly. Thankfully, I’m also on two “in case of emergency, break glass” pain pills, and just killed the first of many Woodchuck Ciders. Between the ice, the painkillers, the booze and my Gator-love, I’m feeling pretty tingly in my happy parts right now.

3: 34: Did that fucker just hold up a Joker playing card, or am I hallucinating already? I hope it’s the former, and not the latter.

3: 35: Matthew Stafford has thrown 38 TDs and 28 INTs in his career, and people are still talking about him as a possible No. 1 overall draft pick. Hell, even Scott Mitchell thinks that’s a shitty INT rate.

3: 45: Every time Tebow runs for a first down, a poor Asian child loses his foreskin.

3:49: The fact that Sonic advertises nationally angers me more than you can believe. During my time in Florida, there was a Sonic on every corner, each of them solely dedicated to serving the least healthy food humanly possible. And yes, that’s including TATER TOTS. Yet, despite their national advertising, you can’t find a Sonic north of the Mason-Dixon. Hey assholes, how ‘bout instead of spending a gazillion on advertising, you put a fucking restaurant or two north of D.C? Massachusetts would be a happier place with some motherfucking ‘Tots.

3:55: Missed field goal, Georgia. The UGA drive was helped by the Gators’ two fatal defensive flaws: an inability to stop any pass whatsoever, and a tendency to take stupid penalties. Thankfully, the Gator front seven has matured faster than Hayden Panetierre over the last few games, and stalled out the Bulldog drive, leadirng to the missed field goal. Brandon Spikes then capped off the drive by selling UGA VIII to a Chinese restaurant.

4:03: Mark Richt’s challenge of Tebow’s first down run was overturned. He was nonplussed. Richt obviously doesn’t understand the need for Asian children to be circumcised for health reasons. Percy Harvin then proceeded to exert his Percy Harvin-ness with two huge gains. MARC RICHT MAKE PERCY ANGRY, PERCY MAKE MARK PAY.

4: 09: A potential Georgia INT is nullified by a Georgia D-lineman illegally performing a Deacon Jones-esque pimp slap. Percy Harvin, as he is rote to do, follows up with a TOUCHDOWN OF GREATNESS AND BLINDING SPEED. My glrilfriend, who is sleeping on the couch, hears the Gators fight song and immediately thinks my phone is ringing (my ringtone is “Orange and Blue,” the Florida fight song. Like I said, I’m kind of a big fan). Florida 7, Georgia 0.

4:14: My now-awake girlfriend: “When we have sex, be honest, do you imagine Tim Tebow’s face?”
My response: “Well honey, you haven’t won a Heisman, now have you?”

4:22: The Florida band director is a 400 pound black dude, waving his arms wildly in a costume that is far too small for him. This makes me wildly happy for some reason.

4: 25: Field goal, Georgia. UGA keeps driving down the field, but seems to stall out whenever they get at or near the red zone. It’s like they have the football equivalent of Whisky Dick – they seem motivated as hell to score, but find an inability to cross the finish line once in the heat of passion. And at the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party no less! Florida 7, Georgia 3.

4: 28: A surprise UGA onside kickoff is caught by Gator reserve Butch Rowley, who will now parlay his success and awesome name into a career in either porn, politics, or as a private investigator. “Suspect your spouse is cheating? Call Butch Rowley, he’ll solve the case.”

4: 35: If I see Emmitt Smith whore himself publicly one more time, I’m going to have to switch my “Favorite Gator Running Back Ever” designation to Errict Rhett or Elijah Williams. Don’t make me do it Emmitt. Don’t make me do it.

4: 37: TOUCHDOWN GATORS, after getting screwed on an earlier attempted goal-line rush. At this rate, the Jacksonville TGI Friday’s will fill up pretty fast with scores of dejected UGA fans, looking to drown their sorrows in 2 for 1 Margaritas and Extreme Quesadillas. Florida 14, Georgia 3.

4: 50: Not gonna lie, I don’t remember a college running back scaring me as much in recent memory as Knowshon Moreno. Dude just ripped off two big runs, and he’s shiftier than the high school kid with the bad mustache who used to sell weed at my old middle school.

4: 52: Georgia TE Trip Chandler just tripped in the end zone. Meanwhile, his brother Fall Down the Stairs Chandler is ironically fine.

4: 55: Georgia K Blair Walsh, who I’m sure was a character on “The Facts of Life,” hit the left upright on a short FG attempt. Mrs. Garrett would have made that field goal.

5:01: And we’re at halftime. Gators 14, Bulldogs 3, Ciders 3, Painkillers 2, “Facts of Life” references 1. The winner: You, the reader.


SmartyBarrett said...

If there's anything better than Woodchuck cider, I haven't had it.

Pepster said...

You freakin' Massachussetsians and your Woodchuck. I thought FMRA was the only female writer on mass hysteria. I was wrong.

Anonymous said...

I like Woodchuck. I have two partial six packs. Did either of you see the sprinklers come on in the ND game? Apparently watering the field does not wait for single, or double OT, Douchebags.
On fire, says Gary Danelson. Wow.

SmartyBarrett said...


And cue the daibeetus

Pepster said...

I did see the sprinklers. The Notre Dame field hasn't been the same since Roc left his job.

Anonymous said...

That was a great shot of the emptying stadium in Jax. GHABBY will be quite happy.
Pitt win?? Sheeit. I think? Makes my loss (SU) better? We suck so bad...doesn't matter.
What will happen in BC SU game.

Dubs said...

Woodchuck = Juice of Poseiden

Anonymous said...

Woodchuck = Cider = Vagina drink

Eating with no utensils = awesome