Thursday, November 20, 2008

A Closer Look at the AFC East

Here we are in Week 12, and every team in the AFC East is still very much in the hunt for the Division. In August if you were to tell me that a game against the Dolphins was going to be a pinnacle moment of the season, I would have called you batshit and shot you in the arm wtih Depakote. But here we are, heading to Miami and their balmy 60 degree November weather ready to face loud mouthed douchebag Joey Porter and the Dolphins. After losing to Captain Vicodane, two losses to division rivals would be It's pretty safe to say that any team in the East could win, lets look at the reasons why and why not.

Buffalo Bills

Why and Why not? Two words BEAST MODE. Somewhere buried in his dreds Marshawn Lynch has the ability to take over a game. Will we ever see this ability? Who the hell knows, he is kind of like that awkward girl that you are just waiting to see break out of her shell and be a sexy minx but instead she gets involved with booze and weed and peaks out as some drunken frat boys "Jumpoff". Lynch similarly has never hit his peak, and games where he has to play a team like the Patriots he has a tendency to vanish faster than a Jew at KKK rally. Wonder how a QB can go from the next Jim Kelly to the next Gus Frerotte in three weeks? Ask Trent Edwards.

Miami Dolphins

Does Bill Parcells really have the skills to turn a team that barely won A game last year to an honest playoff contender? Looks like it. Let's look at all the presumptions I had about the Fins:
*Chad Noodledick is washed up and will continue to be ineffective with a group of WR's that have no right playing for the University of Miami, let alone the Dolphins
*Joey Porter deserves to get terminal lockjaw, because as much as he talks his play will never be able to support it
* Ricky Williams? Probably will be diverted by the most recent Cheech and Chong tour. Ronnie Brown, will have an off year coming back from an injury.
* How can a team win with a team full of no name players?

Well I was wrong on all fronts here, now I know what it must feel like to be Skip Bayless! (Rimshot)

New York Jets

Here you go, I am going to refuse to even bring up that drug addled piece of shit they have lined up at QB. Because in the end we all know he will blow it in a big game, its bound to happen right? There are two big reasons why the J-E-T-S have been a good team this year: Thomas Jones and the defense. Thomas Jones has gone from a running back who looked pathetic last year, to one of the best this year (Credit the recreated OLine). Kris Jenkins is one of the rare breed of players who can probably eat 4 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and then go out and hold the opposition to 50 yards of rushing offense. Just as a side note, I fucking hate the JETS.

New England Patriots
At his current rate of progression Matt Cassel is going to be possibly the best QB in the history of the NFL by Week 17. He will be floating 70 yard passes in the air to Randy Moss, leading Wes Welker to 15 catch days, and his divine mind control can WILL Ben Watson to stop dropping passes. I am ready to also anoint Jarod Mayo as the best defensive player I have ever seen. NO GUY, SERIOUSLY THE FAWKING GUY IS A GODDAMN MONSTA!!!! HEY DICKIE PASS ME A BE-EH. But seriously, if the defense continues to get burned, this could be a brutal game on Sunday. Though I will continue with my prediction, I don't care what any of the other teams have done, this is still the Patriot's division and they will win it again. Mark it in your calendar, or program this in your Blackberry, or tell your wife to write it down.

1 comment:

GHABB,Y~! said...

I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothing, but I would give anything to have Thomas Jones' biceps, or really his entire upper body in general. That dude is chiseled out of motherfucking granite. No homo.