Thursday, November 6, 2008

Breakfast With the Hysterics


*The Celtics beat the Not Sonics last night, 96-83. C's fans should be encouraged by the fact that the Green played at a high level on back-to-back nights, and in the vast wastelands of Texas and Oklahoma no less. Ray Allen had 18 points and nine rebounds, and has now played at an extremely high level on back-to-back nights, giving me hope that the Corpse of Ray Allen has been fully reanimated and is now back to its Jesus Shuttlesworthyness. Pierce also had 20 and nine rebounds, but is shooting less than 39% on the season. Should we be concerned? Oh, that's right, Paul Pierce is awesome and survived stabbings and Rick Pitino, so no, we shouldn't be concerned.

*The Pats re-signed CB Jason Webster, i.e. "the most often burned cornerback ever in league history." Yeah, that'll go well. Webster's pity signing came after Terrence Wheatley injured his wrist and Mike Richardson reminded everyone that he was a sixth round pick out of Notre Dame, and therefore wildly shitty. Got some fantasy advice kids: If you've got a Bills wide receiver on your fantasy roster, this week might be a good time to start 'em.

*In other Patriots news, 19-year-old Pats Cheerleader Caitlin Davis was fired by the Krafts after pictures surfaced of her next to a passed-out drunk dude with "penis" "Jew" and a couple of swastikas drawn on him. Deadspin and TMZ have been all over the story, which we honestly haven't paid much attention to, mostly because we at Mass Hysteria prefer our dumb blonde whores to be naked (and preferably into double anal) rather than carrying pom-poms and yelling inane shit that happens to rhyme. Whoopity fucking doo, a cheerleader got fired. Unless she ends up doing scenes for mysistershotfriend.com, we really could give two shits.

*It was apparently "score like Adam Duritz" night in the NBA, as LeBron James (41), Amare Stoudemire (49) and Tony Parker (55...seriously?) all topped the 40-point mark. Parker's accomplishment was especially surprising, given that he's, you know, French and all. Still, to celebrate (okay, mock) his accomplishment, here's his rap video "Balance Toi," which apparently encourages you to balance your Toi, whatever the fuck a Toi is: