Thursday, November 13, 2008

Breakfast with the Hysterics!

Gooooooood morning, Hysterics!

Winter weather is upon us here in New England, which means that breakfast has transitioned from the previously-favored pumpkin spice latte to a seasonal gingerbread latte (with soy milk, natch) and hot oatmeal with dried fruit. Mmm! (Forgive me if I seem overenthusiastic... eating solid foods again is exciting.) I hope you're all enjoying something equally warm and tasty this morning.

It was a clutchtastic night for Boston sports last night: PJ Axelsson sent one home in the 3rd round of a shootout to lift the Bruins over the feisty young Blackhawks, while Paul Pierce sank a buzzer-beating jumper to clinch a 103-102 victory over Atlanta for the Celtics. In summary, we are the most awesome city in the history of ever. Take that, Ancient Carthage!

Also, a gentle reminder that NHL All-Star voting began yesterday; you may vote either here or by texting a player's last name (text "BRUINS" to vote for all of our representatives) to 81812 as many times as you like until 9:00 pm on January 2nd. I was initially planning a post suggesting other players you could lend your support to, in the interest of being "objective" or what have you, but seriously: fuck that. Just vote for the Bruins. Our 2008-2009 representatives are team captain Zdeno Chara, alternate captain and returned hero Patrice Bergeron, and scoring leader Marc Savard. I encourage you also to write in one or all of the following:

* Tim Thomas, who had his first All-Star appearance last year and actually wound up earning the win in the game; he's currently the top-ranked goalie in the league.

* Milan Lucic, whose play has not only earned him a spot on the first line, but has had a significant impact within the entire Northeast Division as well as in nearly every game he's played.

* Andrew Ference, who is the Bruins unquestioned defensive leader.

I'm also endorsing Marty Brodeur (even though he obviously won't be able to play), G, New Jersey; Shea Weber, D, Nashville; Roberto Luongo, G, Vancouver; Joe Thornton, F, San Jose (duhhhh); Joe Sakic, F, Colorado; and Rick Nash, F, Columbus. But seriously: vote for the Bruins. Think how happy you'll be making me.

Let's play a little game this morning. I think you'll enjoy it. My partner-in-thoughtcrime "Nodnarb" (whose devilish antics you've all been treated to before) and I recently brainstormed a list of items that would potentially look very awkward when purchased together -- for example, a pregnancy test and a single wire coathanger. (Credit is due to the occasionally fantastic xkcd for the inspiration.) It definitely made for some interesting conversation; we discovered, for example, that nearly anything paired with lube works quite well (e.g. a bagful of zucchini and lube, a torque wrench and lube, one of those giant plastic candy canes filled with M&Ms and lube). Here are some of the pairings we came up with:

rope, duct tape, and a Hannah Montana DVD

razor blades and a pad of stationary

massage oil and duct tape

bulk burritos and adult diapers

ski mask and a shotgun (assuming you're at Wal-Mart)

morning after pills and a frying pan (only if you're in the third trimester)

candles, bath salt, and Ernest Goes to Camp on DVD

a kiddie pool and $100 worth of pudding

clamps, a car battery, and bandaids

Tabasco sauce and an enema applicator

the Kama Sutra and a big stuffed animal

lower case T made of wood, lighter fluid, matches, and a 40 oz. malt liquor

a white sheet and some rope

a really big curling iron, lube, and Band-aids

oversized plastic crayon and lube

chloroform, rags, and baby clothes

tons of home waxing kits and a speedo

DVD copy of Soul Man, a FAFSA form, and a cart full of self-tanner

pregnancy test and a fake ring

a dog and a jar of peanut butter

a Slip-and-Slide and a cart full of mayonnaise

Feel free to add any your sick little minds come up with in the comments. Vote for your All-Stars! And stick around for more fun later today.

Also, a thought: I'd like very much to get a Mass Hysteria party (since we're not Deadspin, we won't call it a Pants Party... what say ye to a No-Pants Party?) together sometime in the month of December. Since I'm planning it, it will revolve around either watching a Bruins game or going to a Providence Bruins game. In order to gauge interest, I'm asking that anyone who'd be down shoot me an email at futuremrsrickankiel (at) gmail (dot) com; I'll take it from there if it seems like we have enough potential participants (or partici-no-pants, I guess). Do it up! You know you want to.


The A-Train said...

I'm going to have to go ahead and...disagree with you on oatmeal being a solid food. Or food for that matter. That shit is just plain nasty.

My breakfast is good, though it's always the same thing: Whole wheat pita, two scrambled eggs, 2 slices of cheese, some ham, and an apple (or whatever fresh fruit is in season). Pretty tasty and fits nicely into the Zone diet.

I'm also a big fan of hot cider with caramel from starbucks. There's one on my way to work, I may find myself stopping in from time to time in the mornings. The thing I hate most about starbucks is their stupid naming system for sizes.

"Hey, yeah, I'd like a medium hot cider with carmel..."

"You mean a Grande"

[considers reaching across the counter and strangling the cashier with her apron]

", I meant a medium. whatever. how much is it?"

stanley cup of chowder said...

Don't forget about Aaron Ward. He was 5th among Eastern d-men in All Star voting yesterday without even being on the ballot. He is a fan favorite. He could be this year's Rory Fitzpatrick.

I might be interested in a No Pants Party. Providence is a bit of a drive, but it might be worth it to get drunk and heckle Peter Schaefer in a family friendly environment.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I did see the Aaron Ward thing... but come on, I'm not voting for him over Ference!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Oh, and of course I'd love for you to grace us with your presence. Again, send emails so I can add you to an email list if one gets created.

Sh!tShow said...

I go with the HST breakfast...

Breakfast is the only meal of the day that I tend to view with the same kind of traditionalized reverence that most people associate with Lunch and Dinner. I like to eat breakfast alone, and almost never before noon; anybody with a terminally jangled lifestyle needs at least one psychic anchor every twenty-four hours, and mine is breakfast. In Hong Kong, Dallas or at home — and regardless of whether or not I have been to bed — breakfast is a personal ritual that can only be properly observed alone, and in a spirit of genuine excess. The food factor should always be massive: four Bloody Marys, two grapefruits, a pot of coffee, Rangoon crepes, a half-pound of either sausage, bacon, or corned beef hash with diced chiles, a Spanish omelette or eggs Benedict, a quart of milk, a chopped lemon for random seasoning, and something like a slice of Key lime pie, two margaritas, and six lines of the best cocaine for dessert…. Right, and there should also be two or three newspapers, all mail and messages, a telephone, a notebook for planning the next twenty-four hours and at least one source of good music…. All of which should be dealt with outside, in the warmth of a hot sun, and preferably stone naked.

Sh!tShow said...

And for weird stuff to purchase...

condoms, a bottle of vodka, a trash barrel, and a plunger.

It has the added bonus of being true.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Sure is quiet up in here...

Let's do something fun in the comments!

99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beeeeeeeeeeeeer...

Anonymous said...

My favorite morning radio show is Free Beer and Hot Wings out of Michigan. In syndication here in ALbany. They had a Joe the producer stunt that I will find the link for. ULTIMATE in awkward.

Breakfast...lately I am on a egg sandwich kick. I will have to consider A-train's as it sounds healthier than my versions from McD, DD, Stewarts.
and do I dare shout "SHE'S ALIVE!"

Rocco said...

Footbawful doesn't seem to like posting my comments. I figured FMRA had an adverse reaction to the morning after pill or something. Good to see you back.

Breakfast: Instant oatmeal, o.j., and a Flinstone's vitamin.

Purchase: Jell-O, chicken suit, 9-iron.

Party in Boston? Hmm, that's kinda a drive from Buffalo but may be worth it. I would need a floor to pass out on though.