Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Breakfast With the Hysterics


*Some historic shit went down last night. While we're not a political site (though, as young Massachusetts residents, I'm sure you can guess how we voted), it's downright impossible not to talk politics today, so expect your Mass Hysteria posts today to be sprinkled with a dash of "oh yeah, and the black dude got elected President." For those of you looking to waste time today, the Globe has a town-by-town result of how each election went. It's goddamned fascinating. I'll just say this - Wilmington must REALLY hate black people.

I'll be posting later about how Obama's win made me do something I haven't done in six years. It will probably bore half of you, and make the other half of you that know me personally jump with glee. By the way, did anyone else see the fucking hologram of Will.i.am last night, or was I just hallucinating that shit? That may be the most frightening use of technology since the talking robot in Rocky IV.

*In a game that I'll admit to not watching, the Celtics beat a strong Rockets team 103-99. Ray Allen apparently went OFF, scoring 29 points. Perk also scored 15. I wish these two teams hadn't played on fucking Election night, because this is a game I probably would have really enjoyed. The Rockets, as some of you know, are going to be really, really good this year, like "possibly NBA Finals-worthy" good. That is, if Ron Artest doesn't stab Yao in the foot, or Tracy McGrady's knees don't spontaneously combust. Both of which are real possibilities.

*In fringe-sports related news, Massachusetts voted to ban dog racing. Now, some of you may be celebrating this news, because "dogs won't be tortured and forced into racing slavery anymore" or some bullshit to that effect. I however will proudly admit to voting FOR dog racing. "Oh GHABB,Y, why would you do something so heartless? Why do you hate puppies and babies and rainbows?" you might ask. You see, dear reader, my vote was motivated by my one and only visit to Wonderland Greyhound Park, on a date-less Friday night in high school, with a few buddies of mine. And I'll gladly admit that it was the most depressing place on earth. Every member of the state's Top 100 Deadbeat Dads sat, simultaneously mesmerized by horribly underweight dogs chasing a plastic bunny, race after race. I watched these degenerates throw their rent, grocery and alimony money down the drain, all in the name of some dogs running fast. We left, shaken, after watching a dog trip and probably break its neck turning around a corner. My friends all vowed never to return, or speak of the incident again.

So why in hell did I vote to keep dog racing legal in Massachusetts? Because now these people, be they the gambling deadbeat dads or Dr. Mengele-esque dog trainers, will be walking our streets, with no outlet or haven for their degeneracy. At least with places like Wonderland still in business, these fuckers had a place, far away in the depths of Revere, to gather and share in their sleaziness. Now that these slimeballs have no outlet, God only knows what they'll do instead. So thanks a pantload, Mass voters, for banning dog racing. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to lock all the doors and windows in my apartment.

14 comments:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

So Wonderland is where my dad hid all those years? FINALLY I have some closure

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

C'mon.... they're just going to go next door to Suffolk Downs.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

QUESTION TWO WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The A-Train said...

It's an Obamanation now folks!

[beat]

Okay, so it needs a little work, but still: Obama!

The A-Train said...

Wait, what? Question two?

Fuck me, I'm moving back!

Grimey said...

"Dammit, Lois! You're ruining my 2-6 quiniela!"

stanley cup of chowder said...

I don't understand voting against dog racing. Let's take money out of state and take jobs away at a time when the economy is crumbling. Nice job Massachusetts. Now Sufferin' Downs is definitely going to be the degenerate capital of New Engalnd. At least before there were 2 outlets for these degenerates with Wonderland being reserved for the creepiest of the lot.

Speaking of voting, my galdiator-like quest for blogging glory and pseudo internet fame continues. You can vote for me over at Hugging Harold Reynolds

It's not my best work, but I would appreciate your support anyways.

Thanks
Evan

stanley cup of chowder said...

Grimey, tough loss in Iron Ref. I voted for you. I was hoping for an all MH reader final.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Evan,

Longtime Mass Hysteria supporter Grimey is also in the running for that, so we decided not to pick one or the other of you to endorse... we encourage our readers not to vote for any of the other dumbfucks on there, though.

And I actually voted against Question 3 as well, although I'm an idiot hippie and a vegetarian to boot. My reasoning is complicated, but I'm glad I voted the way I did.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Oh wow, I'm sorry that I missed that Grimey was out. In that case, vote Evan, everyone!

SmartyBarrett said...

For those curious (and I know you are), Question 2 will take effect 30 days after the Governor's Council convenes on it...which usually takes place in late Nov./early Dec.

Who's got the herb?

GHABB,Y~! said...

All I know is this - the Revere Super China Buffet's about to get a big fucking surplus of spare ribs.

Matt said...

Instead of going to Wonderland, why not visit some of the other fantastic attractions Revere, MA has to offer, such as Kelly's Roast Beef and Revere Beach, which now boasts a 3:1 Hypodermic Needle to Seagull ratio!

Also, don't forget to say hi to the locals!

Rocco said...

I'd like to earmark my redistributed income to the fine editors and readers of MH, if possible.