Friday, November 7, 2008

Battle for National Irrelevance

In the spirit of collegiate rivalries we at Mass Hysteria are willing to have an open dialogue with the enemy. Saturday night the Boston College Eagles will be facing off with their storied rivals the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. To keep this preview fair and balanced, Hazel Maes Landing Strip has extended the olive branch of peace to Irish fan Smurphette. Here is what they had to say about the rivalry, the alums, the school and the fans:

Let's start off with the hard hitting questions. If Rudy and Doug Flutie were to get in a steel cage and fight, who would win?

HMLS: This is an easy one, I hope these questions get harder. Doug Flutie, duh. Though both of these players were horribly undersized, I think Flutie would bring the intangibles into the match. Rudy has the heart and will (or intestinal fortitude as JR would say), but Flutie has the experience that is vital in a steel cage match. My prediction in this match: Rudy takes control early, but loses when Gerard Phelan enters the match and drops a flying elbow off the top of the cage. ADVANTAGE: FLUTIE FLUTIE FLUTIE.

Smurphette: Rudy has retard strength, Flutie is wily and small. Definitely Flutie. Mike Anello hates being compared to Rudy for good reason.

Who is God rooting for in this game? Does Jesus disagree?

HMLS: God and JESUS both bleed the maroon and gold. Jesus is a staunch opponent of ND because of the gawdy statue that dwarfs their stadium in South Bend. The Son of Mary said "In no way do I support a college that names themselves after my most volatile people. The Irish do not need any encouragement especially after they have been drinking, and that mascot you use just makes me want to turn all your tailgating wine back into water. Your "Touchdown Me"enrages me, here is the only gesture from the savior you deserve:

Smurphette: God is rooting for Notre Dame, because God would never stoop or submit to being in a conference. Jesus totally digs the mosaic constructed in his image on the facade of Ted the Head's Library, although he's a little miffed that his view is not as good as it was before the renovation in '97. Maybe if Jesus hadn't been fucking sleeping on the job during that last-second field goal in '93 we wouldn't have fucked with his view. I'm just saying.
Who would you rather have coaching your team Ty Willingham or Dan Henning?

HMLS: I am going to go ahead and agree with Smurphette on this one, yeah I wouldn't want Ty either. He is like the Fall Out Boy of recruiting. Bland, boring and left nothing but shit and headahces as his legacy. Henning won a bowl game, and is still gainfully employed. While Willingham's biggest achievement was actually getting fired by Washington, which was probably the best move of his career.

Smurphette: There aren't a lot of people over whom I would choose Ty Willingham, so I'll go with Dan Henning. There's no way he would be as shitty a recruiter as Ty was, so even if Henning sucked ass on Saturdays, at least he wouldn't leave the cupboard bare for the next guy. Yes, I'm really bitter. I was actually at school for most of Ty's tenure, so I have more of a beef than most.

What famous alumni would you rather have running your NFL team, Brady Quinn or Matt Ryan?

HMLS: Seriously do I even need to answer this question? I mean everyone on this site already thinks I would go gay for Matty Ice. Hell I think Brady Quinn would probably do the same. Matt Ryan is going to be Dan Marino, Joe Montana and Rambo all rolled into one. When all is said and done, I predict that in 2016 Matt Ryan will become the first US president appointed by God.

Smurphette: Dude, Matt Ryan has two first names, which means he cannot be trusted. He has been excellent this year for the Falcons, but alas, Hotlanta, he will break your hearts before the end. Brady might be kind of a douchebag, but that's a small price to pay when the other option is completely untrustworthy.

Who has better fans, BC or Notre Dame? (If HMLS picks BC you all have the right to punch him in the dick)

HMLS: Ok, on the surface I would agree Notre Dame fans are probably more into their team then the fine folks from BC. But lets look into this a little harder: at BC it costs almost 5 grand a year to tailgate which is pretty absurd. But don't you have to be a crazy dedicated fan to pay that kind of money? What do ND fans do, oh thats right they drive their RV's and park on a lawn with the rest of the Catholic Hillbilly Trash. Yeah plus we have this chick, you know her abstinence promise is long gone.

Notre Dame. There's two things to consider here, and the positive one beats out the negative one. First, I must concede that there are a hell of a lot of douchebags that are Notre Dame fans. It's fucking embarrassing. I can't even read the NDNation message boards because they make me want to commit violent felonies. Also, most Domers these days are Republicans, which adds a whole new layer of self-righteous fucktardery to the obnoxious ones. On the other hand, my dad went to Notre Dame and like all good alumni he raised me to eat, sleep, and breathe it. So fuck BC with a rusty stop sign. I was 12 when the '93 game was played and I cried so much after it ended that the mothers of the other girls on my soccer team thought that my family had been murdered or something. No, it was much worse: we lost our 12th national championship to the fucking Florida State team we had beaten the week before. Get bent, you fucking Jesuits.
Final question: BC vs ND. Who you got?

Smurphette: You know I'm superstitious. I'm picking BC. JINXJINXJINX. Seriously, though, this could be a fun one.

HMLS: I am going to hypothesize here for a minute, wax philosophical, mainly talk out of my ass. God tests his people, he did it with Jonah and the whale, Abraham and his sons, and now BC with Chris Crane. This will be the game that God finally rewards his faithful people and finally reveals himself through his divine QB. My prediction is Crane will go 36-40 for 400 yards and 4 TD's and 2 Rushing. BC defeat the Irish 52-14. Now where is that meth?


Dubs said...

One. I feel that God is a BC fan, while Jesus fully supports the Irish. This is mostly supported by my belief that God is the all-powerful humbler and what is more humbling than being a BC fan? While ND football has actually lived the life of Jesus.

Unspectacular childhood followed by being told you were the son of God, then disappearing for a while only to become the voice of god/football and then being tortured and killed for being so (Davey/Willingham years) and finally coming back to life in the form of a fat, broke-kneed alumni (my knowledge of the bible may be off).

oh thats right they drive their RV's and park on a lawn with the rest of the Catholic Hillbilly Trash.

Dude, seriously if you have not been to one of these you are missing out on some very good times. Even my OSU friends says its better than anything in Columbus. This is going to be one sloppy game...yess!!!

Anonymous said...

as much as I appreciate the writings and musings of this site's authors and the infinite talents thereof... I am afterall a Boston sports fan, and by definition that means "what the fuck is college sports?"

If half naked barely legal cheerleaders can't get me to watch, the artistic stylings of Chris Crane (who?) and Gaydy Quinn surely aren't turning the trick.

Have the bowl games started and/or march madness?

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I hear you, sorry BC-ND is the biggest college game of the year for me. Patriots preview coming up at 5.....

GHABB,Y~! said...

The '93 game happened on my 11th birthday, which was being celebrated at Bonkers in Peabody. All I remember is myself and a bunch of dads gathered around the only small TV in the place, while all my friends played arcades without me. It was at this point that I realized I loved football more than people.

smurphette said...

You know Matt Ryan will only be 31 years old in 2016, right? Making him constitutionally ineligible to be president.

Also, if you think the tailgates in South Bend are "Catholic Hillbilly Trash," then you've clearly never been to one.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

1. God will override the constitution, he is after all god.

2. You got me there, I have no clue about ND tailgating, I just made a wild accusation.

Anonymous said...

But HMLS, Smurphette, you didn't answer which sex acts you have committed with MR and BQ respectively!
Inquiring minds...
Boatdrinks, waiting for Rutgers to pound SU's butt.

Rocco said...

Just catching up on my MH reading, and just wanted to say thank you for that pic. She looks smart.