Thursday, October 9, 2008

Tom Brady's Quarter Season Patriots Soiree

Hey guys, I was graciously invited by the fine folks at Mass Hysteria to write a post on my thoughts on the Patriots season so far. Normally I would say no to such a small and meaningless endeavor. But recently Gisele has cut me off from sex (for looking at Megan Fox suggestively watching Transformers), and well that has left the good ole boy blue in the balls. When I came to this site the first thing that caught my eye was this FutureMrsRickAnkiel and HazelMaesLandingstrip. Landingstrips are a huge turn on for me, but I was completely bummed when I found out that HMLS was a dude. But I still want to keep my eye on that hockey editor of yours. I figured maybe if I get my name out there again, I will stay the elite symbol all you losers wished you were. Anyways here is my thoughts on the Patriots season so far:

* Bernard Pollard may have his own fan club for injuring my knee but at least I don't play for the Chiefs. I would rather wear clothes from Target then have to play for Herm Edwards, they are terrible. I think the Chiefs would take a huge step forward if they started Drew Hensen! HA!

* Ronnie Brown throws a better deep ball then Matt Cassel. When I was a young QB I threw a lot of dink and dunk passes, but come on man you have Randy Moss. I won three Super Bowls with Troy Brown, David Patten and David Givens. You have to take the field and play like you have the biggest dick out there! Come on bro, show some balls and go deep!

* Even with a destroyed knee I think I would be a more effective running back then Laurence Maroney. 93 yards through 4 games? You may be "Kool Aid" but you are playing more like a jar of molasses! Oh wow that was a great joke, I've gotta remember to tell A-Rod that one. See girls, I have a great sense of humor too, I'm a real triple threat! Sex appeal, good looks and a great sense of humor.

* Ellis Hobbs is playing smoother than Gisele's crotch after I apply the Brazilian wax. Just like her "Brady Fun Zone", Hobbs is flawless, no blemishes or stubble there. And on another note Hobbs is great playing both sides of the ball just like my super model girlfriend, but don't post that she might get pissed

* Stephen Gostkowski is the most consistent player on the team right now, and is an excellent kicker. But does that really count for anything? Kickers don't get the girls like devilishly handsome QB's who throw fifty touchdown passes. They get to have the leftover groupies, who usually look something like:

* Even with my knee looking like a car wreck, I still could make better decisions then Brett Favre. Here is a hint from the best, when there are three Patriots surrounding your receiver DONT THROW IT AT HIM. When I am 45 or however hell old he is, I plan on going off into the sunset to plant my seed in as many college girls as humanly possible. Hey if that doesn't work I could learn from the best and put the moves on MILF-y sideline reporters. Joe, got any advice?

Persistency is the key, Tommy

* Can I give you some advice Matt? If you don't use Ben Watson he sort of fades away. You have to figure out how to get him the ball, because if he is forced to block his back will fall apart. I've never heard anyone be so needy since Bridget was complaining when her water broke. Jeez, ball and chain leave a player alone!

So there you have it guys, the Patriots season so far. I mean they are doing OK, if I were still playing we would still be undefeated. But to be fair you guys look better then the Colts and they still have that Yokel at QB. Don't worry about me right now I am cruising around New York making the best out of my situation. And getting to spend some quality time with the Gis' if you know what I mean.


futuremrsrickankiel said...


Dubs said...

We totally gave you guys a shoutout today (

**Warning a certain sentence may upset FMRA.**

Matt didn't no any better.

GHABB,Y~! said...

Bo Derek ridin nekkid on a horse < Gisele ridin nekkid on a horse.

Rocco said...

I kinda like the look of that Asian.