Thursday, October 30, 2008

This Week in Route 1 Football

An IM conversation this week between myself and University of Georgia fan Matt_T, frequent Deadspin commenter and proprietor of DeadOn:

Matt_T: Remember the election in 2000, when people were too dumb to figure out how to punch a voting card? Those were all Florida Fans.

Ghabby: General Sherman shouldn’t have stopped at Atlanta when he was burning Georgia cities to the ground, he should have turned north and torched Athens while he was at it.

Matt_T: Florida Fans say Tebow’s tears cure cancer, but he cries like a bitch after each loss and we still have cancer.

Ghabby: Any fruit with fur on it is obviously gay. And peanuts aren’t supposed to be boiled, asshole.

Matt_T: A Florida fan's idea of night on the town is putting on their finest sleeveless t-shirt, freshly pressed Jorts and running a comb through their mullet before heading to the Sizzler for dinner.

Ghabby: A Georgia fan’s idea of a night on the town is to comb his bangs, throw on his distressed backwards baseball cap with the frayed bill, strap on his mandals and cruise Buckhead for some roofied-up whore, who generally ends up giving him incomplete fellation due to whisky dick.

Matt_T: Wing House blows.

Ghabby: The Varsity is overrated, and Chick-Fil-A creeps me out.

Yes folks, it’s Georgia-Florida week, as we sit on the verge of the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (not to be confused with The World’s Largest Indoor Cock and Tail Party, starring Lisa Sparxx and 57 dudes). Georgia fans hate Florida. Florida fans hate Georgia. Once a year, the twain meet halfway in the oversized suburb of Jacksonville, one covering half the stadium in Red and Black, and the other in Orange and Blue. Hateful epitaphs are thrown. Noncreative signs are drawn up. Much alcohol is imbibed. Even up here in Boston and away from the joyous Cocktail Party, it’s one of my favorite days of the year.

The rivalry (and probably the SEC East) will be settled this Saturday at 3:30, roughly when my girlfriend will begin pestering me about cleaning for that night’s Halloween Party. I will then, clad in my Reggie Nelson jersey with the BCS Championship patch, tell her to go fuck herself, earning at least a week of sleeping on the couch. GO GATORS!

In the meantime, we have some awards for last week to hand out, with an obvious eye towards this Saturday’s battle between Tebow and Stafford, Knowshon and Demps/Rainey, and Shitty Defense and Shitty Defense.

Hooters Real Fucking Deal Award: As an enterprising researcher, I attempted to spend last Sunday at Bostonville Grille, Route 1’s “other” sports bar with a million TVs and a grease-only menu. And I must say, beloved readers, it sorely disappointed. First, it not only did not have Hooters Wings which I love so dear, but the food in general tasted like it was garnished by the dingleberries of a homeless man’s asshole. The beer was watery. The waitresses were sans vaginal breezeway. It was noisy, not in the “Fun Sports Bar” sort of way, but in the “Oh my god give me an Excedrin Migrane Now” Chuck-E-Cheese sort of way. I do not plan to return.

Not a ringing endorsement

Anyways this week’s Real Fucking Deal Awards happens to go to Texas Tech, who hung 63 on a ranked Kansas team, as well as this week’s Cocktail Party participants, Georgia and Florida. The Dawgs handled LSU much in the way the Gators did, scoring 52 in a relatively sloppy game, led by that godforsaken Knowshon’s 163 yards. The blessed Gators, meanwhile, played the perfect game against Kentucky, blocking THREE kicks in the first 16 minutes of the game, en route to a 63-5 nailbiter. The Gators have now scored 152 points in their last three games, all against SEC opponents. Why? Because they piss greatness and ejaculate perfection, that’s why.

Russo’s Candy House Closing “Well, That Sucks” Award - Haven’t had to break out this award in a while, but the near certainty of a mediocre Penn State squad probably making the BCS Championship earns a “Well, That Sucks” akin to the closing of my childhood diabetes-producing factory. Vegas odds on the BCS Championship are already (Team That’s Not Penn State) favored by at least 17 over Grampa Paterno’s bunch. Name me three Penn State players. Yeah, didn’t think so.

I heard that Bill Bellami is a funny fello

Kowloon’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Fun Award – I done toleded you that Texas/Oklahoma State would be one of the most fun games of the year, and bah gawd was I right. The game was back-and-forth for 60 minutes, and if Zac Robinson had only five more yards on his deep ball, we might be talking about a new Number 1 team right now. Texas, who had impressed the shit out of me in their previous wins over ranked teams, seemed to genuinely struggle against the Cowboys, both due to the strong Okie State defense and the fact that Mack Brown really isn’t a very good coach. Now, he hasn’t had to be all year when winning games by 30 points apiece, but that’s the sort of thing that could eventually bite Texas in the ass in a close game. I mean, did you see him fuck up that last-minute drive? Deplorable.

Weylu’s Epic Fail Award – This week’s Epic Fail goes to the entire Big East, which should rank just below the Sun Belt this year as far as power conferences go. Remember South Florida? They lost to an unranked Louisville team. 17th ranked Pitt? Got smoked by Rutgers, and not even Rutgers with Ray Rice either. West Virginia, they of losses to East Carolina and Colorado, is now leading the Big East. Connecticut is second. This conference blows.

Karl’s Sausage Kitchen Team that Scares Me Award – Did you know that Minnesota is 7-1? Minne-fucking-sota! And gieven the aforementioned shittiness of the Big 10, there’s a distinct chance that the Golden Gophers may be playing in the Rose Bowl this year, provided they get past Northwestern and Wisconsin. This is a team that went 1-11 last year, and who added a decent-but-not-great recruiting class. I think that says everything you need to know about the Big 10.

Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award – This week’s Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being award goes to North Carolina Wide Receiver Hakeem Nicks. What, HZMLS, you really thought I’d go the whole column without mentioning BC’s pwning? Nicks scored four touchdowns against the wildly successful defensive secondary of BC, who are all now being treated for whiplash and PTSD. For squashing the hopes and dreams of HZMLS , his family, loved ones and fellow BC alumni, you are entitled to the famous Hilltop Filet Mignon, seasoned with the tears of Superfans worldwide.


Anonymous said...

Ooohhh, I didn't know about the Gophers incredible rebound...I had only noticed Michigan bending over anytime anyone walked by.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Oh my tears this weekend will be all joy, and some whiskey when we win the Leather Helmet Trophy....No seriously, thats a new tradition BC and Clemson started.

Matt T said...

that was fun. I'm on my way to the cocktail party now. Go Dawgs!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

matt_T! What's up, man?

Matt said...

I can't believe I missed Bill Bellamy at Kowloon's ...