Before I expound on this week’s Route 1 College Football return after a two-week hiatus (sorry everyone, but my testicular reduction surgery went horribly awry), I want to first discuss one of my favorite pastimes: karaoke. I spent my Sunday evening in the bustling burgh of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, which is easily the most underrated drinking city in America. And I feel qualified to make that judgment, because I’ve gotten drunk in a LOT of cities. Ever knocked back a few in Traverse City, Michigan? Dayton, Ohio? DeLand, Florida? Roswell, Georgia? Sadly, I have.
Anyways, my trip to Portsmouth was made with the expressed purpose of singing karaoke at the Daniel Street Tavern, which is the most fun karaoke bar I’ve ever frequented. Good karaoke bars require a delicate mix – the perfect combination of a creative/talented crowd, a huge selection of songs, and cheap beer/Scorpion Bowls flowing like wine. Often it’s accompanied by Chinese food (extra points if that food is served on sticks), but really, anything greasy will suffice. Daniel Street has all of these elements, including the most extensive song book in the history of mankind. They had eight David Allan Coe songs for chrissakes.
Now, a good karaoke performer must have one of two qualities. They must either be a) a talented singer, or b) a horrible singer just funny and drunk enough to be entertaining. Most people fit neither bill. Either they think they can sing and can’t, or think they’re funny singing “Wanted Dead or Alive” on two Bud Lights and aren’t. Not to brag, but I’m one of those lucky enough to fall into category B, especially when I “sing” my karaoke standby, “You Never Even Called Me By My Name,” by the aforementioned David Allan Coe. Read the lyrics to that song if you get a chance, and you’ll see why I'm a regular George Carlin while belting it out. It's a country song that involves Mama, Trains, Trucks, Prison, and Gittin' Drunk.
However, on Sunday night, I was looking to expand my karaoke comedic horizons, especially as a depressing Pats/Chargers game was poisoning the atmosphere of the otherwise joyous Tavern. Then, as if a gift from God, I found the perfect song for the occasion, and scribbled it quickly on the submission sheet, remembering to tip the DJ. Ten minutes later, I was rocking the house with the most 80s-riffic version of “Holy Diver” that you’ve ever heard. Seriously, just by reading the lyrics to that song, you will laugh so hard that coffee will come shooting out of your nose, even if you’re not a coffee drinker.
Jump on the tiger. You can feel his heart but you know he's mean.
Jump on the tiger. You can feel his heart but you know he's mean.
Now I realize that karaoke has nothing to do with college football or Route 1, but frankly, now that Hooters has arrived on Route 1, the highway is only a rocking karaoke bar away from achieving the country’s first National Historic Landmark for General Greatness in Shady Practices. On to the awards.
Hooters Award for Awesomeness – Hooters has replaced Kelly’s Roast Beef as the sponsor for this award for reasons detailed here. God I love Hooters. I simply can’t say that enough. Anyways, this week’s Hooters Award goes to another orange-clad force, the Texas Longhorns. Texas laid waste to a seemingly invincible Oklahoma Sooner team 45-35 at the annual Red River Shootout, the highlight of the Texas State Fair. I should also note, speaking of awesomeness, that you can buy chocolate covered bacon at the Texas State Fair. Chocolate. Bacon. Chocolate covering Bacon. Admit it. That thought makes you tingle in your sexy parts.
Oh, and the Gators beat the #4 team in the country by a score of 51-21. Just sayin'.
Weylu’s Epic Fail Award – There were so many epic fails this weekend, it’s quite hard to pick out just one. Do I fault the LSU Tigers for giving up a 51 spot to the Mighty Gators? Do I pick on Missouri for losing to T. Boone Pickens’ Wind Farms? Do I discuss the sheer joy and happiness that a 2-4 Tennessee Vols team brings me? Nay, none of these earn an Epic Fail of Weylu’s proportions when matched with Clemson, who failed so much that they fired Tommy Bowden on a national holiday. Climpson, despite having the nation’s top defensive line recruit, two first-round quality running backs and an NFL-ready quarterback, has stumbled to a 3-3 record due solely to the uselessness of their coach. Tommy now joins brother Terry on the coaching unemployment line, while their father soils himself somewhere in Tallahassee. Proud family, those Bowdens.
Bahama Beach Club Defensive Struggle Award – Saturday was a great day for shootouts and high-quality play, but I must mention Ohio State’s 16-3 snoozefest win over Purdue as the day’s disappointment du jour. Wasn’t Ohio State supposed to have this high-powered offense? Hasn’t Purdue averaged like 40 points a game since Drew Brees’ was passing for touchdowns with his face mole? Goddamned Big Ten. And yes I'm bitter that this was the only game they were showing at the gym when I went on Saturday afternoon.
In fact, watching this game (and other boring-ass games this season), I’ve made a simple, easy determination about who should appear in this year’s BCS National Championship. Are you ready for utter and complete brilliance? Here goes.
The winner of the Big 12 vs. The winner of the SEC.
I fucking defy you to argue this logic. These two conferences are so far above and beyond every other conference in America this year that, were college football conferences Baldwin brothers, the Big 12 and SEC would be Alec and every other conference would be Stephen. These two conferences have NFL-ready players in NFL-ready systems playing NFL-strength schedules. Pitt, Cal, Michigan State and Wake Forest are currently topping the standings of major conferences right now. None of these teams would finish even close to .500 in the Big 12 or SEC. And the “elite” teams from the “other” conferences, (USC, Ohio State, Clemson, West Virginia) have been so horribly exposed this season that they lose any and all right to argue. Big 12 winner vs. SEC winner. No Girls Allowed.
Karl’s Sausage Kitchen Team that Scares Me Award – Texas and Florida obviously came out of this weekend smelling like your mom's hair, but the team that really scared me this weekend was Boise State, whose field made me hallucinate while I watched them beat Southern Miss this Saturday by a score of 24-7. YOUR BLUE TURF IS DUMB AND YOU'RE NOT CUTE BOISE SO GIVE IT A REST AND SWITCH TO GREEN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Fun fact kids: blue football fields on HD television do NOT mix well with Xanax and alcohol. Not. At. All.
Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award – Despite suffering from the incurable illness of being Caucasian, Jordan Shipley has somehow achieved the rank of kick returner/wide receiver for the top ranked Texas Longhorns. Let me repeat that – a white dude is catching passes (8 for 112 yards and a TD on Saturday) and returning kicks (a 96-yard kickoff return for a TD against the Sooners) for the top ranked team in the nation. We’ve not seen this since the days of Chris Doering. For his efforts, Shipley has earned the famous Hilltop Prime Rib, served with Horseradish sauce upon request.