Friday, October 10, 2008

Special Guest Fantasy Football Preview: Week 6!

My esteemed partner-in-lady-blogger-crime Smurphette shares her wit and fantasy insight with us as we head into this weekend.

My Little Ponies vs. CockFlashLisaOlson
I am superstitious to a rather preposterous degree, so I'm picking CockFlashLisaOlson. Don't wanna jinx the Ponies.

Fightin' Amalies vs. Fat Drunk and Stupid
It has been mentioned previously that Pepster has the gayest avatar ever.


As a resident of Dupont Circle, the gay mecca of DC, on behalf of my neighbors I must protest. The gay dudes here are fucking turned out and would never, ever rock such a fucktard facial feature as the soul patch. (Alliteration: bask in it, bitches.) Small as it may be, the soul patch is the single most revealing feature on a man. It's the tramp stamp for dudes, but instead of indicating an easy lay, it's a red flag that screams "DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH ME. YOU WILL HATE YOURSELF TOMORROW." While a girl who dyes her hair blond but doesn't conscientiously touch up her dark roots lets us know that she's DFW, the soul patch lets the ladies know that we emphatically don't want to be down with whoever that guy is. That said, Pepster has both Portis and Forte, and he's gonna win. (Note to DaveR – I don't think you're allowed to call yourself a pimp if you lose to a dude with a soul patch.)

LessThanJakeDelhomme vs. Peyton's Infected Sac
Jason Campbell and Ryan Grant could put up good numbers for Grimey's squad, but that won't be nearly enough to take down Peyton's Infected Sac. Seriously, Grimey's team blows goats. Manning is due for a sick stats day and will be hungry for a win at home in the new stadium (I hope). The LessThanJakeDelhomme receiving corps is a fucking joke, and Felix Jones won't have half as many carries as Marion Barber, who just happens to be starting for PIS. No dice, Grimey.

Plaschke Eats Penis vs. RubberFistingMitten
I don't think I could be any more indifferent about two players than I am about the QBs in this matchup. Kurt Warner and Jay Cutler? Give me a fucking break. Jay Cutler is from Santa Claus, Indiana, but his name is Jay and that makes it impossible for me to root for him. Kurt Warner's wife is a disaster and Kurt'n'Kitna is one of the few KSK series that doesn't really stir my Tang. Plaschke Eats Penis has the edge at wideout, but the Mitten has the upper hand when it comes to running backs. I assume that Futuremrs will not be starting a tight end who has a bye week, but if Jed Lowrie happens to come on the TV screen while she's setting her roster, all bets are off. But none of that matters since HazelMaesLandingStrip went to BC, and I'm picking him out of spite. JINXJINXJINX.

FutureMrWillaFord vs. The Wild Card
And we have yet another instance of running backs from the same NFL team going head to head in a fantasy match-up. This one should be more even-handed than the Barber-Jones battle above, but since LT and the Colts have both been yawntastically underwhelming at running the ball thus far, it could be just as decisive. Um, also, Rocco might want to replace his tight end and defense when he sets his roster since Tony Gonzalez and the Titans have byes this week. Assuming Rocco fixes his team accordingly, it strikes me as a toss up. But The Wild Card is undefeated, so I'm picking Mathemagician for the win. Not to jinx him, though, since he is the only person who actually understands what my posts about Liverpool mean.



Osi HumanUrine vs. Hangin' with Mr. Dungy
This one is a no-brainer. The Boondocks is not only the best cartoon since Daria and South Park, it might be the funniest show on television since Seinfeld. Thugnificent FTW.



EAT SEVENTEEN BEERS vs. Norfolk & Way

Sorry, flub, but your team has zero chance of winning and it's better for me if Kevin loses. I pick Kevin. JINXJINXJINX!

11 comments:

SmartyBarrett said...

DFW = down for whatever?
or
DFW = dumb fucking whore?

i love that they're totally interchangable in this context.


also, is Ryan Forte almost as good as Matt Forte?

smurphette said...

DFW = Down For Whatever

Yeah, yeah, it's Matt. I'm a little delirious from being sick all week, so cut me some slack.

Dubs said...

While a girl who dyes her hair blond but doesn't conscientiously touch up her dark roots lets us know that she's DFW

A lot of college is making sense to me now.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Wait wait WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE HERE.....

Thugnificent gets a FTW merely because of his Boondocks-related name.... but I somehow get picked against?

Do you even watch the show???????

DOUBLE FUCKING STANDARD.

I'll give you a hint: you have to say the whole thing, like A Tribe Called Qwest.

Grimey said...

NO. NO NO NO. RYAN GRANT WILL NOT PUT UP GOOD NUMBERS FOR ME.

God I hate Ryan Grant.

Grimey said...

By the way, "RubberFistingMitten has the upper hand"... brilliant.

smurphette said...

Whoa, looks like somebody's got his panties in a twist. Of course I watch the show. I had something else to write about for your match-up. But I really appreciate your condescending hint, so I'll keep that in mind the next time Futuremrs asks me for a favor.

Mathemagician said...

Nothing to see in this post, Rocco...

Pepster said...

Some very good work Smurphette. Good way for me to start my college football Saturday while hungover!

Starting Aces said...

BOOM, BITCH

Rocco said...

Yeah yeah I fucking got around to it. Some people don't read blogs and play fantasy football all day. I however do (at least read blogs); I simply negleted to change my lineup till 12:30pm Sunday as part of my strategy. Which didn't work because LT FUCKING SUCKS HOW DID I KNOW THAT WITH THE #1 OVERALL PICK LT WOULD SHIT THE BED ON ME!!! FUCK!!!