Wow that game was bad, really bad, like being forced to listen to Merrill Hoge dissect game footage for hours bad. There really was nothing positive that I can take away from this game, the offense, defense special teams all blew. Thank god I got to watch this game with like five beers in front of me because that certainly cushioned the blow. Who the hell can blame? Well I'm glad you asked, because I have the answers! Because I love to visualize how I can throw an entire team under the bus, I created a little pie chart to fairly distribute my blame. This is on par with all the charts I created in 7th grade geometry, but I think it gets my point across.
HazelMaesLandingstrip's Blame Chart:
1. The Defense- Sweet merciful crap, that was pathetic. They did what they set out to do which was stop LT (20 rushes 74 yards), but they seemingly forgot how to stop anyone else. Philip Rivers just ate the Patriots defense apart, starting with the first play of the game. This defense was embarrassing, allowing 306 yards in the air. Who the hell were those wide receivers? Malcolm Floyd? Wasn't he my high school guidance counselor? Oh by the way fuck you Deltha O'Neal, Ellis Hobbs the entire front line, Rodney Harrison and Bill Belichick. That was pathetic
2. Matt Cassel- I have lowered my expectations of Matt, I get it he is not going to be a Tom Brady. He also won't be a Kerry Collins or Gus Ferrotte either. Yesterday was exactly what I was worried he would become when he took over and you all told me to relax. He had trouble reading defenses, slow making decisions, slow on his feet. Jesus Christ Matt, THROW THE FUCKING BALL. I gave him credit after last weeks win over the 9ers but is it time to see if O'Connell could move the ball?
3. Lawrence Maroney- I'm finished with you, how often can you get hurt in three years with a team? Yes football is a physical sport, and hell if I played I would probably be in a wheel chair right now, but your a physical specimen, you should be able to take the field a majority of the season. I'm tired of watching you in your fucking street clothes loafing on the sidelines, PLAY FOOTBALL ASSHOLE.
4. The Big Chested Chargers Cheerleaders- My god, if you watched the game you know exactly what I am talking about. I had trouble focusing on the game with those giant silicon-ian orbs bouncing around. I'm sure Randy Moss was sizing a few of them up during the game, and would have rather got a handful of those then catch a pass. Those knockers were truly hypnotic, and its an unfair home advantage for the Chargers because the weather lets those babies breathe all season. Jesus right around Halloween our cheerleaders have to cover those puppies up, because it gets too cold out. It certainly made watching that shit show more enjoyable though.
5. Manny-wood. Yeah I'm going to blame Manny for this loss. He is all of a sudden a model baseball player that everyone loves and no one outside of Boston remembers that he fucking a) quit on his team b) threw a 65 year old to the ground c)impregnated your 85 year old grandmother. Manny was playing in LA last night which is like right down the road from SD (not really I know), and his treacherous stink was a HUGE distraction to the Patriots. Both offensively and defensively. Please Manny, fight with the Phils and Ryan Howard if you want to be a cult icon in another town shove his face in the dirt and kick him a few times for us.
Well all jokes aside that game sucked, next week we come back home to play Brandon Marshall and the Broncos. Obviously no game is gimme anymore, hell I think we are going to struggle through the rest of the season. Everything feels like a haze watching this team, nothing works on either side of the ball, and MY GOD MATT CASSEL GOT SACKED AGAIN. I think I'm going to create a widget with a count down that displays how many days we have to wait for Tom Brady to come back. I'm calling it 8-8 for the season, no playoffs for the Patriots.
/Sobs quietly into his coffee.