Monday, October 13, 2008

Servin' Up Some Blame Pie

Wow that game was bad, really bad, like being forced to listen to Merrill Hoge dissect game footage for hours bad. There really was nothing positive that I can take away from this game, the offense, defense special teams all blew. Thank god I got to watch this game with like five beers in front of me because that certainly cushioned the blow. Who the hell can blame? Well I'm glad you asked, because I have the answers! Because I love to visualize how I can throw an entire team under the bus, I created a little pie chart to fairly distribute my blame. This is on par with all the charts I created in 7th grade geometry, but I think it gets my point across.

HazelMaesLandingstrip's Blame Chart:
1. The Defense- Sweet merciful crap, that was pathetic. They did what they set out to do which was stop LT (20 rushes 74 yards), but they seemingly forgot how to stop anyone else. Philip Rivers just ate the Patriots defense apart, starting with the first play of the game. This defense was embarrassing, allowing 306 yards in the air. Who the hell were those wide receivers? Malcolm Floyd? Wasn't he my high school guidance counselor? Oh by the way fuck you Deltha O'Neal, Ellis Hobbs the entire front line, Rodney Harrison and Bill Belichick. That was pathetic
2. Matt Cassel- I have lowered my expectations of Matt, I get it he is not going to be a Tom Brady. He also won't be a Kerry Collins or Gus Ferrotte either. Yesterday was exactly what I was worried he would become when he took over and you all told me to relax. He had trouble reading defenses, slow making decisions, slow on his feet. Jesus Christ Matt, THROW THE FUCKING BALL. I gave him credit after last weeks win over the 9ers but is it time to see if O'Connell could move the ball?
3. Lawrence Maroney- I'm finished with you, how often can you get hurt in three years with a team? Yes football is a physical sport, and hell if I played I would probably be in a wheel chair right now, but your a physical specimen, you should be able to take the field a majority of the season. I'm tired of watching you in your fucking street clothes loafing on the sidelines, PLAY FOOTBALL ASSHOLE.

4. The Big Chested Chargers Cheerleaders- My god, if you watched the game you know exactly what I am talking about. I had trouble focusing on the game with those giant silicon-ian orbs bouncing around. I'm sure Randy Moss was sizing a few of them up during the game, and would have rather got a handful of those then catch a pass. Those knockers were truly hypnotic, and its an unfair home advantage for the Chargers because the weather lets those babies breathe all season. Jesus right around Halloween our cheerleaders have to cover those puppies up, because it gets too cold out. It certainly made watching that shit show more enjoyable though.
5. Manny-wood. Yeah I'm going to blame Manny for this loss. He is all of a sudden a model baseball player that everyone loves and no one outside of Boston remembers that he fucking a) quit on his team b) threw a 65 year old to the ground c)impregnated your 85 year old grandmother. Manny was playing in LA last night which is like right down the road from SD (not really I know), and his treacherous stink was a HUGE distraction to the Patriots. Both offensively and defensively. Please Manny, fight with the Phils and Ryan Howard if you want to be a cult icon in another town shove his face in the dirt and kick him a few times for us.

Well all jokes aside that game sucked, next week we come back home to play Brandon Marshall and the Broncos. Obviously no game is gimme anymore, hell I think we are going to struggle through the rest of the season. Everything feels like a haze watching this team, nothing works on either side of the ball, and MY GOD MATT CASSEL GOT SACKED AGAIN. I think I'm going to create a widget with a count down that displays how many days we have to wait for Tom Brady to come back. I'm calling it 8-8 for the season, no playoffs for the Patriots.

/Sobs quietly into his coffee.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Um. Cassel looked bad because the rest of the offense played like it was fucking asleep. Hey Randy Moss: HOLD ON TO THE DAMN BALL. Hey Wes Welker: LIKEWISE. Hey Jabar Gaffney: How about NOT letting yourself get carried backwards for 10 yards?

Seriously, it's grossly unfair to hold Cassel solely responsible for the poor offense in this game.

Dubs said...

So, are you guys like half way to admitting that maybe Belicheck is not like god or something. And maybe it was Brady all along? 'Cause if that happened, the rest of the US might, might be able to tolerate Boston fans again, maybe.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Oh no Dubs I still have a shrine to Lord Bill in my basement and I sacrifice a virgin and goat to him every week.

futuremrsrickankiel said...


You know as well as I there are no virgins north of the Lowell Connector.

The A-Train said...

Yes! Yes! Oh let me taste your tears, HMLS! Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy!

SmartyBarrett said...

I agree with you, Future Mrs...Cassel is really low on my blame chart for this game and for this season so far. Bottom line: this defense sucks so much it could deepthroat John Holmes. I think we really need to start asking: how much better would this team be if they had Brady? I'm not convinced they would have won last night, that's for damn sure.

When's the last time you remember them getting pressure on a QB, let alone a goddamn sack? When do you remember a turnover? Do you realize last night in the garbage-time segment of the 4th quarter was their FIRST DEFENSIVE FUMBLE RECOVERY OF THE SEASON? Stew on that. I honestly think this team is missing Asante more than Brady right now. Look at the remaining schedule and ask yourself how many of these teams WON'T torch us downfield?

The good news is I have Jay Cutler in my pay league for when he goes apeshit against Deltha O'Neal et al next week, it won't be all bad.

SmartyBarrett said...

Also dubs, I am starting to admit that BB is not a god.

/please don't revoke my admin privileges

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I appreciate your agreeing, SB, but I think you missed my point a little. I think our offense was equally to blame here -- but not strictly Cassel. Truly, I saw so many embarrassingly bad plays from the same players that looked so brilliant when Brady was calling plays, and I don't think Cassel can be held responsible. Players have a responsibility to be consistent or even elevate their games when circumstances call for it. Watching our offense drop balls all the fuck over the place and run into coverage over and over was beyond frustrating.

Oh, and I'm not sure where you're getting the "Belichick is God" mentality you're assigning to all these Boston sports fans, Zach... I don't think anyone has EVER disputed that Tom Brady turned this team around. I think Belichick is a great coach, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone is saying that I never considered him a miracle worker. We've had a gifted team, and he did great things with them. That's really all there is to it.

Shouldn't need to remind you that this isn't the site to come to if you're looking to converse with the lowest common denominator-type Boston fans.

Dubs said...

Joking, making a joke. Trust me, after this weekend there is no gloating, ever, from me. EVER.

I love this site. Think you guys are extremely talented, but also playful and I hope you understand 90% of what I am saying is not serious and in jest. Keep up the great work.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Just remember this: hell hath no fury like a woman with a mild hangover whose team just got made to look like a bunch of retards by a midget and a bible-thumping freak.

Dubs said...

Point taken...add a 30-yard pass and a last second game winning field goal to that mess and it was one bad Sunday all around.

Rocco said...

Mild hangover? WTF is that? Go big or go home.

On that note, you know I'm getting old when a measely 12 pack has me waking up feeling like shit Sunday morning.