Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Reading From the Book of Francona

nd lo, a great cry arose from the Nation, and much wailing and rending of garments ensued, and the people cried out to the God who had abandoned them in their greatest hour of need, and the fattest of calves was slaughtered until the blood ran redder than the reddest of knit stockings, and the incense burned thickly in the temples.

nd in his infinite mercy, the Lord looked down upon his people, and spake unto them, that they might feel respite in these dark times.

nd thus spaketh the Lord of Red Sox Nation:

o, my people, I will relieve your suffering, and deliver unto you the series for which you so dearly plead.

ut know this, my people: one of your number hath greatly displeased me, and it is for her sins that I now punish your Nation. For lo, this very harlot of Babylon hath suffered the ham-fisted brotards that sully my Temple of the Fens to come unto her, and hath whored herself out for such trifles as light beer (an ale which is not clean in Mine eye) and jackets on cool nights.

ut lo, even these are not the most gaudy of her offenses: yea, this unclean priestess has forsaken me, and worshipped instead the godly Longoria, who was created in Mine image.

hou knowest the Rays were once a big joke played by Me to amuse the more simple-minded of the seraphim, but now they have risen up against Me to become more powerful than they were ever meant to be, because this careless Jezebel hath praised their youthful leader, and cast many bronze statues in his image. Her lack of fidelity unto My church has brought suffering upon you all, and she must atone before I can allow you to attain the Pennant of Glory and return it to My church.

nd so the harlot went out into the desert, and clothed herself in sackcloth and ashes, and fasted for 40 days and 40 nights; and, as the Lord had earlier decreed, made her hat to be inside-out and wore it backwards in the manner of the Rally Caps of ancient days.

nd the Lord smiled upon His people, and the Red Sox won the ALCS, and they praised His name.


GHABB,Y~! said...

1) Needs more sideboob
2) If you fasted for 40 days, it would probably make your boobs smaller, which sadden Him.
3) Boobs.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

that sully my Temple of the Fens to come into her


Dubs said...

Hahaha, very nice. You once were lost and now you're found, or something biblical like that.

Rocco said...

Too little too late. In 40 days the Rays will be World Champions. I'm sure we'll hear about how nice Evan's ring looks on him.

Anonymous said...

Umm. Well, I suppose it could work. I wondered if hanging on so "tightly" to his Evaness might haunt you later. However, everyone must go with their heart.
Ahhh. Suck. IT! What. Were. You. Thinking?????
huh. Feeling a little better now.

Grimey said...

This is just like back in 1992 when I gave up my man-crush of Pat Borders

stanley cup of chowder said...

Quicking Evans cold turkey can be very difficult. You may want to ween yourself off of them by first directing your affection towards a less-athletic Evan. I hear who are a shrill, painted whore, but relatively clean and disease-free. I also hear that you fnacy engaging in public spectacles of the exessive-imbibage variety.

Stanley Cup of Chowder

Rocco said...

Flatery will get you nowhere Evan.

shaun said...

Who is that male you're kissing? Is that one of the other bloggers here?

futuremrsrickankiel said...


No, it's not. It is in all seriousness a guy I befriended at a particularly cold night game (second home game of this season, against Detroit) who provided me with beer and a jacket to wear in exchange for the smooch you see pictured here. His nickname -- I shit you not -- was Booger, or "The Boog" for short.

NOW do you see why the Lord was angry?!

Anonymous said...

No, I think the Lord would be kind to someone that was kind to a booger.
But that is me!