Friday, October 24, 2008

Patriots Celebrity Previews: The Ultimate Warrior

In debating between a Wrestler of Yore post or a Celebrity Patriots Preview post, I figured, why not both? Every bit of the following, save for the football-specific stuff, is taken from actual Ultimate Warrior promos, if only because the actual shit he said is WAY funnier than anything I could ever come up with. I fucking loved that dude so much when I was a kid, and yet he was so goddamned insane.


Bar the doors on the castle, St. Louis Rams, for I have come to conquer with the Warriors. I have come to attack, and keep coming until the power of the Warrior has been injected into the veins and the power. I look above to the Gods,and when you fall below the skeletons of Warriors past, the power of the Warriors will become the Eighth Wonder of the WORLLLLLDDD.


/snorts

Exit stage left! exit stage right! There is no place to run, all the fuses in the exit signs have been burned up, and there is only one fate St. Louis Rams, and it deals with pain and destruction. You, St. Louis Rams, will feel that pain and feel that power, as all the Warriors stretch all over the back of the Ultimate Warrior, and load the spaceship with the rocket fuel for Ullltimate Victorrrryyy.


/convulses

I have injected you, St. Louis Rams with the minimum dosage of poison from the power of the Ultimate Warrior, but the antibodies of the St. Louis Rams continue to refuse what the poison will do. They turn the poison away for they fear the evil, I am the representation of all you fear. I, St. Louis Rams, want you to be the Warrior you say you are, for I can as the Ultimate Warrior accept no less, give no less to the Warriors. It is the power that makes the earth rumble and the skies shake. Look into nothingness, look beyond your fears to see the Ultimate Warrior.


/shakes ropes

How must we prepare, you ask yourself? Should I jump off the tallest building in the world? Should I lay on the lawn and be run over by lawnmowers? Should I go to Africa and be trampled by raging elephants?


/spittle flies from mouth

As you, St. Louis Rams, travel to Gillette Stadium, tear down the cockpit door, St. Louis Rams, take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice, assume the controls, St. Louis Rams, slam that control into a nosedive and you will soon be close to Parts Unknown, floating through the veins, and the power, of the Warrrrriahhhh.


/flexes

Now you must deal with the creation of all the unpleasantrires in the entire universe, St. Louis Rams, and we will crush you like the warriors before us in days of olden times crushed their enemies, summoning the power of the Warrior. When I saw you, St. Louis Rams, I saw walls, walls thick with fear, St. Louis Rams. Do you have, St. Louis Rams, the power that it takes to be the most ultimate power in the entire universe?


/injects steroids

Queering doesn’t make the world work! Pats 28, Rams 20.

1 comment:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Holy shit, I tried to get that chicks number last weekend.