Friday, October 17, 2008

Mass Hysteria's Fantasy Preview Week 7: Grimey's Finer Points

Last night I was at a local social event called Little Black Dress Night, where once a month the local ladies put on their skimpy dresses and drink mojitos and get gawked at by popped-collared douchebags (and me). In the midst of the festivities, after checking college football scores on my cellphone I decide to see how the Rays are doing.

Tam 7 Bos 0 Bot 7

Now I have no real rooted interest in this series, so naturally I'm rooting like hell for Tampa to make it to the World Series (and win it). So calm in the fact that the game and series is in the bag, I am free to continue my boozing and gawking.

The next time I check my cellphone...

Tam 7 Bos 7 Top 9

"THEY CAME BACK???"

I made it to a television in time to see Evan Longoria's bad throw, to question not just intentionally walking Drew with the count 2-0 (or 3-0), to watch the baseball bounce over the right field fence to end the game.

That was SICK. I haven't felt that sick about a baseball game since Brad Ausmus hit the game-tying homer with two outs in the ninth in the 2005 NLDS against my Braves. And I actually watched that whole game (all 18 innings), and deeply cared about the outcome. And I didn't have hot women in skimpy dresses to gawk at to take away the pain either.

The Rays are done. DONE. Just like the 0-6 LessThanJakeDelhomme.

(And yes, that's a reverse jinx. For both teams.)

On that positive note, on to the picks!


POP THAT CHAMPAGNE PICK OF THE WEEK: PEYTONS INFECTED SAC (4-2) over THE WILD CARD (6-0
)... No fantasy football team can go undefeated. Especially one that starts Darren Sproles and D'Angelo Williams against Marion Barber and Warrick Dunn. A +1 is in order for the Mathemagician if he changes his League Blast to "RUN MY TINY DARREN!!"

MY LITTLE PONIES (3-3) over NORFOLK & WAY (1-5)
: The award for "Player I Can't Fucking Believe is Making a Fantasy Start" gets ripped away from Arnaz Battle and now goes to Kerry Collins! Congratulations, Kerry... I'm sure you'll know just how to celebrate.

RUBBERFISTINGMITTEN (3-2-1) over OSI HUMANURINE (2-3-1)
: Once FMRA replaces bye-week Edgerrin James with Michael Pittman, this matchup should be pretty close. On another note, whenever I hear Steve Slaton's name, I often think of the song "Chris Cayton" by Goldfinger and replace the name... "Steve Slaton... I called yooooou Satan...."


FAT DRUNK AND STUPID (5-1) over FUTUREMRWILLAFORD (3-3): By the way, I saw Pepster's avatar at the Little Black Dress event last night. It was also drinking a mojito.

By the way, a friend of mine pointed me towards a PSA where Hilary Duff tells us not to call things that we think are bad "gay." Well listen up, Hilary Duff: I don't call things that are bad "gay," I call things that are gay "gay." And Pepster's avatar is Hilary Duff public service announcement gay.


PLASCHKE EATS PENIS (2-3-1) over EAT SEVENTEEN BEERS (4-2): Beers starting both Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams against Baltimore's defense? That's a big old pair of Bad Idea Jeans right there.

FIGHTIN AMALIES (2-4) over HANGIN WITH MR DUNGY (2-4): I had a side bet a couple weeks ago with a co-worker... I set an over/under regarding Lee Evans fantasy production numbers at 7.5 points (using normal, non-completely-fucked-up fantasy scoring), and my co-worker took the over. That, of course, was the day of Lee's two catches, 100 yards and a TD. Lee Evans: fucking me over even when I don't own him.

LESSTHANJAKEDELHOMME (0-6) over COCKFLASHLISAOLSON (3-2-1)
: GHABBY had some harsh words in one of his recent Mass Hysteria posts, claiming that he "had to give up Jerricho Cotchery just to get Brad Johnson from the asshole who claimed him on waivers."

And who was that asshole? Me.


I think with an 0-6 record, I can be afforded a shrewd move every once in a while. Especially one where I didn't even instigate the trade. In short, sir, fuck your team and fuck you. I hope Brad Johnson breaks every finger except his pinky on his throwing hand this Sunday.

(I also hope Matt Schaub has another good game left in him. God I hate Matt Schaub.)

3 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Why do you people keep picking my team to win? MY TEAM IS FREAKING TERRIBLE. An embarassment to the sport of Football, thank you so VERY much Mr. Carson Palmer....

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Without Kurt Warner to score my weekly 125 points I have no idea how my team is going to make it through the weekend.

smurphette said...

@APND: I didn't pick you last week and you threw a fit. Make up your mind!