Friday, October 3, 2008

Fantasy Football: Staying Alive in Week 5

Via the incomparable Grimey come this week's picks in the Massively Hysterical League of Footballed Fantasia.

"HOMERISM IS USELESS" PICK OF THE WEEK: THE WILD CARD over LESSTHANJAKEDELHOMME... After an awesome 5-1-1 week, I am currently 18-8-2 with my picks. Had I not picked my team to win in any of the past four weeks, I'd be 22-4-2, slightly under the pace of the 1996 Chicago Bulls. And they got to play the Celtics three times.

FUTUREMRWILLAFORD over FIGHTIN' AMALIES: Congratulations to A Pimp Named DaveR for being the first member of the league to start Owen Daniels at tight end this year. It's a good sign for DaveR that Owen hasn't yet had his 8 catches-90 yards-and-a-touchdown game. This usually comes before Owen's weekly 3 catches-20 yards routine for the rest of the season.

(Sad but true fact: every time I see Daniels catch a ball, I respond by impersonating Danny Devito's mom from Throw Momma From the Train. "OWEN!")

MY LITTLE PONIES over PEYTONS INFECTED SAC: At some point, Smurphette is going to regret not selling Michael Turner high. To me. For Ryan Grant. God I hate Ryan Grant.

PLASCHKE EATS PENIS over HANGIN WITH MR DUNGY: Lee Evans just signed a four-year extension worth over 37 million dollars, making him the third-highest paid wide receiver in the National Football League. And like all fantasy owners, I hope he gets his paycheck entirely in ass pennies.

RUBBERFISTINGMITTEN over NORFOLK & WAY: Congratulations to flubby for being the only person in the world who started Laveranues Coles last weekend. Of course, if he starts three bye week players (Coles, Steven Jackson, and Torry Holt) this week, we'll know the real reason why.

FAT DRUNK AND STUPID over OSI HUMANURINE: According to FMRA's innovative and completely not-fucking-ridiculous scoring rules, Matt Forte will probably score 150 points on Detroit's shoddy run defense. Also I'd like to reiterate that Pepster's avatar is gayer than gay sex.

COCKFLASHLISAOLSON over EAT SEVENTEEN BEERS: Interesting... with a healthy Chris Perry facing a Dallas defense that can be run on, GHABB,Y! appears to be starting Norwood, the backup from the Falcons. So tell me, GHABB,Y!... why so Jerious? **tap dances off stage**


SmartyBarrett said...

"Gayer than gay sex" tag?

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

So wait is Pepster a "pre" or "post" op?

Pepster said...

I'll let you know after I get you drunk.