Wednesday, October 22, 2008

This Week in Route 1 Football

Drop some acid, put on your leisure suit and pop “Frampton Comes Alive” on the record player, because it’s the 1970’s all over again in college football. Look at the names at the top of the BCS standings: Texas, Alabama, Penn State, Oklahoma, USC. It’s as if the coke-for-play ‘80s or Free Foot Locker ‘90s never happened, as the Old Guard has taken over once again. I, for one, am excited about this possibility, if only because it may bring Barry Switzer back into our living rooms once again. And he’ll be drunk, and will probably attempt to fuck your mother. Or grandmother.

Week 8 of the college football season was also probably the most ho-hum chapter in the Upton Sinclair novel that has been this season, in that the larger mega-programs, as they have historically done, have put down any and all revolutions from the mid-major proletariat. Compare that to last year’s season, which had a Horatio Alger middle but was ruined by a “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull” ending. Also, fuck you George Lucas. Needs to be said.

On with the show:

Hooters Award For General Awesomeness – As the intrepid journalist that I am, I made my maiden voyage to Route 1’s newest addition this Sunday, and it was all I dreamed it could be. First, to answer your question, of course the girlfriend was out of town, why do you ask? But I am here to report to you that, at least on an NFL Sunday, the Saugus Hooters is glorious and emotion-stirring, in the same way that a poet may be moved by a budding meadow on a spring day. There was beer served in ginormous mugs, there were wings – O sweet wings! – there were waitresses that were FAR too good looking to be anywhere in or near the city of Saugus, and most importantly, there were seven football games all within my range of vision. Two of my waitresses even featured the rare “vaginal breezeway,” where the thighs are so toned and thin that they do not touch, creating an Arch de Triomphe of thighs and vagina.

But I digress. This week’s “Real Fucking Deal” team is obviously Texas, who dispatched Missouri with such ease and quickness that, as you currently read this, roughly 287 country songs are being written with the words “Colt McCoy” inserted in the lyrics. Texas is good. Really, really fucking good. Special mention goes to Penn State (better than I thought and in a shitty conference), and USC (Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan appreciate them scoring “Sixty-Nine Dude!” against Wazzu).

Weylu’s Epic Fail Award – As drunkenly witnessed by our own HazelMae’sLandingStrip, the fighting Hokies of Virginia Tech were beaten by a Boston College team that, even by HZMLS’ admission, isn’t very good. One would even say that a disgruntled BC defense plotted for weeks, armed itself to the teeth and committed mass murder on a group of unsuspecting Virginia Tech students. In a related story, I’m going to hell. It should also be noted that BC LB/FB/wheelchair student Brian Toal sustained career injury 37393839282 of his college career in this game, earning enough frequent flier miles at Mass General to win a free trip to Hawaii. Seriously, I’m pretty sure Toal has majored in “breaking and spraining parts of my body” during his 10 years at BC.

Karl’s Sausage Kitchen Team that Scares Me Award – Did you realize that Oklahoma State is 7-0? I sure didn’t until this weekend, when their 34-6 shellacking over Baylor moved them up to No. 6 in the BCS rankings. This is a team that scored 50+ in four straight games. They beat Missouri, who seemed unstoppable to that point. They’re funded by T. Boone Pickens’ gazillions of dollars, as well as the energy of his magical wind farms. They play at Texas on Saturday, and while I’m not expecting a OKState win, I am expecting one of the better games of this college football season. And Texas ain’t got wind farms on their side either.

Bahama Beach Club Defensive Struggle Award – In a week where most Top 25 games featured scores like “34-3” or “45-13” or “69-0” (giggle), only the UNC-Virginia overtime Battel of States That Take Fucking Forever to Drive Through on the Way to Florida could really qualify as a “defensive struggle.” And, strangely enough, Virginia beat those pesky Tar Heels by a score of 16-13, further sullying the good name of coaching genus Butch Davis. Seriously Butch, this is a UVA team that lost 31-3 to DUKE, and was smoked by UConn 45-10. The Cavs are on their 4th string quarterback, having dismissed the previous three for not carrying GPAs above 3.9. And yet the 18th ranked Tar Heels lost to them, further lending credence that UNC should not be ranked in anything other than men’s basketball and women’s soccer.

Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award – It’s time we recognize QB David Johnson of Tulsa for being this year’s “Colt Brennan Memorial Dude Who Puts Up Video Game Numbers Every Week.” Johnson threw for five touchdowns in a 77-35 shellacking of UTEP on Saturday, bringing his season touchdown total to 31. Let me repeat that: Thirty-one touchdowns in seven games. Johnson earns the Baked Chicken Parmigana with Ziti, giving him plenty of protein and carbohydrates to burn off while throwing a gazillion touchdowns.


Dubs said...

Two of my waitresses even featured the rare “vaginal breezeway,” where the thighs are so toned and thin that they do not touch, creating an Arch de Triomphe of thighs and vagina.

I am officially in love w/ u HMLS's Matt Ryan-in love with you.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

When BC makes it to the Orange Bowl, I will be the one with the last laugh. ORANGE BOWL I TELL YOU