Thursday, October 9, 2008

Dear Sir, Eat A Bag of Dicks: Tampa Bay

Dear Tampa/St. Pete/Southern Clearwater/Pinellas Park/Whatever other fucking towns you want to cram in to make yourselves feel like a real grownup city,

When I think of the places on the planet that I’d least like to live, Tampa ranks slightly ahead of Siberia and barely behind “inside Chris Berman’s asshole.” Though Tampa has a lot in common with Berman’s asshole in that it’s hot, it smells, and it’s desperate for attention. Speaking of desperate for attention, watermelon-smashing comedian Gallagher is from Tampa, so you’ll be quite familiar with the process when I tell you all to eat a sledgehammer-crushed dick.

You know who else hates Tampa Bay? God, that’s who. That’s why He sends violent deadly hurricanes to your general vicinity every few years, obliterating the landscape and reminding you that Florida is His personal destruction zone. “Waaah, but you up in New England get snowstorms and blizzards, uhhh,” you utter. Yes retards, we get snow, which not only serves as a safe landing zone for Santa Claus, but can also be safely shoveled and pushed aside. You know what you shovel after hurricanes? Dead black people. At least that’s what Spike Lee told me.

Nice nickname too, the “Sunshine State.” You know what sunshine causes? Skin cancer. In fact, due to a completely unsubstantiated rumor that I just invented, cancer was invented in Tampa by Akinori Iwamura, as a payback for World War II. And the "Sunshine State" moniker doesn't exactly reveal the truth that it's 115 degrees every day from March through November, with 99% humidity. You know what I majored in during my four years in Florida? Applying Gold Bond to my undercarriage. Without it, my taint would have been registered as a National Wetland. So when you're eating a bag of dicks, you can garnish them with Gold Bond or coat them with juice from my taint.

Oh, and thanks for fucking up the 2000 election and giving us eight years of George W. Bush. EVERYONE HATES US AND THE PLANET IS DYING AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. Munch on Katherine Harris’ four-inch clitoris of doom.

I also took a look at the list of famous people from Tampa, and it’s a whole lot of nothing. Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden? Snorted lines of coke off dicks before eating bags of them. Fitness guru Tony Little stores his extra dick-bags in the Fitness Gazelle. Gary Sheffield? Injects bags of dicks into his buttocks. Tony LaRussa? He saves cats and then eats their dicks. And Nick and Aaron Carter certainly know their way around a bag of dicks, as does America’s favorite dick-eating Governor, Charlie Crist. That said, Macho Man Randy Savage was pretty awesome.

Yes, that's the cover of his rap album.

Your sports teams can also eat a stadium half-filled with dicks. Your football team uses “pewter” as one of their team colors while firing gay pirate cannons, and your hockey team recently hired Barry Melrose in a non-ironic fashion. The Devil Rays, meanwhile, have spent ten years playing in front of five thousand people at baseball’s worst park. I’ve been to “the Trop,” and it’s pretty much more depressing than Schindler’s List, except the millions of Jews that live in Florida take one look at Tropicana Field and say “Never again.” Never again.

So Tampa, while it’s cute and all that you think you’re a real city because the Rays are in the ALCS, I’m here to provide a much-needed reality check. You’re not relevant. Nobody cares about you. Your team will lose. And then they, and you, will be presented with a parting gift for your fifteen minutes in the spotlight: a bag of dicks. Eat up.


Pepster said...

I was thinking about actually cheering for the Sox until I read this column. Then, it made me think that all of this is true, so I would really cheer for the Sox. But then I thought that a Rays victory would so upset GHABB,Y!, that I now decided to root for the Rays. Thanks for the help.

By the way GHABB,Y! - I am going to the LSU-UF game this weekend. Gotta love nighttime SEC games to get everyone nice and hammered a good 4 hours before kickoff.

GHABB,Y~! said...

You just had to rub it in, didn't you. Just remember, if she's walking upright, she means yes.

Rocco said...

Am I allowed to root for both teams?

Pepster said...

What kind of commenter would I be if I didn't rub it in?!

The thing about walking upright at UF, is that you are practically 100% correct.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Pepster if you became a Rays fan now you would have joined at just about the same time as 95% of their "fan"base.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know that about the cancer. Phew, good thing I came hear.
Game 1: Phillies!

Anonymous said...

here, not hear! Friday....