Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Christopher Columbus Explains Our Shitty Weekend


It’s-a me, Christopher Columbo, and I hear to speak-a to you about-a my holiday and the city of Boston, India. It-a seems that you Indians have been say “Christopher Columbo, why-a you make-a such a shitty weekend for us Boston Indians? Why-a sports this weekend no like Mama’s spicy meat-a ball?” I tell you Boston Indians, it’s-a because I place Curse of St. Papagino on your-a Boston. That’s-a right, I-a curse you! Bellisimo!

But-a you think "What-a we do to Christopher Columbo?" Well Boston Indians, you first of all anger Christopher Columbo by not having a town in your state named after Christopher Columbo. I no see a “Columbus, Massachusetts” or “Columbia, Massachusetts” or a “Christopher Columbus’ Mama Make-a Tasty Cannoli, Massachusetts” in your state. Every other state have a city named after Christopher Columbo, but not you? You no grazie Christopher Columbo? You no appreciate how I discovered your country of India? Then joke-a on you Massachusetts India, because Christopher Columbus make curse of Saint Papagino on-a your face!

Now, you-a may wonder what -a Saint Papagino bring. Well, first I start-a curse on Boston India when I make Indian pitcher Josh Beckett look-a stupid like Vasco de Gama. Fungool Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbo discover way-a more than you! Then Curse of Saint Papagino also extend to Indian Mike Timlin, who look-a more lost than Marco Polo. You-a know-a why swimming pool game of Marco Polo make-a you close your eyes? Because stupid Marco Polo no have idea where he going, unlike Christopher Columbo discovering India! Mangia!

But because you have-a no respect for Christopher Columbo, I bring-a curse to Sunday of Columbo weekend too. Saint Papagino next curse-a your New India Patriots when they face San Diego Indian Chargers. I make-a so your defense cannot stop even the Santa Maria, which-a be the weakest of Christopher Columbo’s ships. Saint Papagino smile upon San Diego Indians because their-a land be claimed for King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, whereas “New England” claimed for country that not-a pay Christopher Columbo. Spaghetti!

Finally, Christopher Columbo make-a curse worst on Christopher Columbo Day, where I bring-a misfortune to Indian Jon Lester, who pitch-a worse than Ferdinand Magellan’s body odor after he pretend to circumnavigate the world. Hey-a stupid Magellan, when-a your holiday? Does Bernie and Phyl's have-a Magellan's Day Sale? No, so shut up-a your face! Anyway, I-a curse Lester and Indian Red Sox into playing like-a escremento on Christopher Columbo Day, and India Red Sox lose 9-1. Sbarro!

So next Christopher Columbo day, remember the curse of Saint Papagino, and take-a steps to avoid it. Renaming every town to “Christopher Columbus Best Explorer Ever, Way Better than Ponce De Leon” could help, as could some blowout sales at Boch Toyota on the Automile. Most of all, curse can be avoided next year by respecting and appreciating the power of Christopher Columbo. I mean, Columbo get-a you day off from work! The least you could do is say grazie once in a while! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have-a some business to attend to. Seems-a that Leif Erikson has been running his big mouth up here about discovering India first, so Christopher Columbo may have to shut-a his face with-a poison cannoli. Arrivederci! Chef Boyardee!


Shaun said...

I pretended Santino Marella wrote that instead of Columbus.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

First you kill or enslave all the Indians, now you curse us? Fuck you Chris.

Dubs said...

...whereas “New England” claimed for country that not-a pay Christopher Columbo. Double Homicide/Laundering Money


GHABB,Y~! said...

I will admit, my "research" for this column may have involved watching a bunch of Santino Marella promos.

GranDude said...

Unfortunately, the shitty weekend is still going strong on Tuesday...