Monday, October 20, 2008

Celtics Porn Preview: The Guards


We at Mass Hysteria wish to promote today as a day of healing. And frankly, I can’t think of a better way to heal than through the joy and wonder of pornography. That’s why, rather than your plain old run-of-the-mill “Generic Team Preview” where some soulless journalist talks about playing time distribution and salary caps, this team preview will discuss each member of the Celtics roster in true Mass Hysteria fashion: as pornographic genres.

Please note that all pornographic sub-genres have been exhaustively researched and vetted by me before writing this preview, and therefore are heterosexual in nature, as I, well, dig chicks. And boobies. And the vajayjay.

Today, the Guards:


Rajon Rondo as FFM Threesomes – Much like the fantastic world of girl-girl-guy threesomes, Rondo’s game brings nearly unlimited possibilities every time he steps on the court. Is he going to score 20 tonight? Grab seven steals? Pick up double-digit rebounds? All of the above? Meanwhile, the FFM threesome is also all about possibilities and combinations. Does the guy bang girl A or girl B? Does girl A eat the pussy and/or ass of girl B, or just lick her tits while getting banged? Does the guy bang girl A on her back while girl B sits on her face? Do the two girls 69 while the guy alternates between girl A’s vagina and girl B’s mouth? Will dildoes get involved? And don’t even get me started if either girl is okay with doing anal. Much like threesomes, Rondo’s game is multi-faceted and filled with possibility, but you know it’ll always be a good time no matter what.


Ray Allen as MILF Porn – Now we’re not talking about Granny Porn, which is kinda gross. I’m talking about MILF porn, featuring actresses in their early-to-mid-30s (or even some in their 40s), playing the lonely housewife or the best friend’s mom, ready to revisit their youth for 20-30 minutes by teaching some youngster the ways of a woman in her sexual prime. Now these actresses, much like Ray Allen, don’t always have the same perkiness and vigor that they had in their younger days, but they can still give the occasional knock-out performance, and show those youngsters things they’ve never even dreamed of. Such is Ray Allen – he’s obviously not the Jesus Shuttlesworth of old, but, as we saw in the Finals, he can still play like a man 10 years younger given the proper occasion.


Eddie House as Bukkake – Bukkake, for those unfamiliar with the honored and ancient ways of Japan, is the art of covering a woman’s face with the testicular deposits of many, many men, creating a Jackson Pollock-esque tapestry of love gunk on the facial canvas. Bukkake is all about finishing, both with effectiveness and accuracy on the intended target, and so too is Eddie House. There is no foreplay to Eddie House, simply finishing, finishing, finishing. He’ll finish from far away, he’ll finish from close up, he’ll finish from the corner or from the top of the key. So long as Eddie House deposits his load into its intended target, the basket, he has fulfilled his role.


Tony Allen as Anime Porn – Sure, the idea sounds good. When porn is drawn by talented artists, there are no limits of physics or space! Its characters can defy gravity or call upon magical forces! Anything can happen! Of course, the finished product always disappoints, and oftentimes the user stops midway with the realization of “wait, I’m jerking off to a cartoon, this is a little unsettling.” This is generally why, like Tony Allen, Anime porn caters to a small, mostly desperate audience. On paper, TA is capable of anything, possessing unbridled athleticism and speed. In reality, he’s just kinda one-dimensional, with a confused twinkle in his eye and mouth agape.


Gabe Pruitt as Amateur Porn – Sure, they’re technically performing the same acts as the pros, but there’s obviously a lack of polish and a clear roughness around the edges. That French Maid’s outfit doesn’t fit just quite right. The acting is terrible. The camera angle shows a little too much ball and not enough vag. No matter what the issue is, it’s abundantly clear that there’s miles between the paid professionals and this well-intended attempt. Translation: Gabe’s going to be spending a lot more time in the D-League this year.


J.R. Giddens as Naughty Schoolgirl Porn – Oh, you’ve been bad, haven’t you J.R. Giddens? Been stabbed a few times? Got kicked out of school? Have “character issues” that dropped you down the draft? Looks like you need to spend some “extra time” with your professor and “make the grade.” Some time learning the “Celtic Way” will make you finally straighten up and fly right, won’t it J.R.? This comparison also seems apt because, as a rookie, the veterans will probably make Giddens wear a Catholic schoolgirl skirt in public on at least one road trip.


Sam Cassell as 2girls1cup – Yes, I know 2girls1cup isn't so much a genre as a movie, but both it and Sam Cassell make me want to throw up every time I gaze upon either. Both defy laws of human behavior and nature, 2girls1cup through its 2girls1cup-ness, and Sam Cassell through his play and alien-esque looks. Also, every time Sam Cassell takes the court, he shits and vomits all over himself and others, to the abject horror of everyone watching.

4 comments:

Shaun said...

This was more dead-on than I thought it would be.

Especially Cassell.

Anonymous said...

I started this with a "what the fuck?" expression and ended with nodding sagely. Incredible metaphors GHABBY,Y!
Hoping today's health issues are not yesterdays.
Boatdrinks

Dubs said...

perfect

curry said...

2 girls 1 cup u just cant keep your eyes off it and u keep watchin to see what will happen next just like sam's play