Monday, October 27, 2008

Celtics Porn Preview: The Forwards

Last week, we discussed the Celtics guards through the grand medium of pornography, in all its splendor. Today. The forwards:



Paul Pierce as Contract Girl Porn – In pornography, the absolute best, the cream-on-their-face of the crop, are signed to exclusive contracts with various porn publishers, who give these women a whole lot of money to make films only for their production company. These girls are the most well-known and generally best-looking in the industry, and are paid as such. They fuck like pros, look like a million bucks, and can make men’s knees wobble at their mere presence. When you, the average masturbator, are looking for that go-to-girl to spend the next three and a half minutes fantasizing about, chances are, she’s a Contract girl.

Paul Pierce epitomizes that ultra-high standard in every way. He’s our go-to scorer, as evidenced by his epic playoff performances and generally amazing standard of play set over the last 10 years. He’s a lifetime Celtic, and will hopefully retire in the Green that he has worn proudly since 1998. He’s a pro’s pro, and one of the greatest Celtics to ever wear the uniform. And while I haven’t masturbated to his image, I was mildly aroused during Game 7 of the Cavs series, when he scored 41 boneriffic points. I’ve said too much.

Kevin Garnett as Interracial Porn – Now I don’t consider myself a racist, or predjudiced against our African-American brethren in any way. In fact, I’m somewhat envious of the fact that black people, at least stereotypically, are much cooler, smoother, and have larger penises than me and my fellow Caucasians.


Given that, and given my extensive research in pornography, I feel qualified to compare Kevin Garnett, one of the greatest forwards of our day, to interracial porn. You see, with interracial porn (I’m specifically referring to black guy/white girl here), there is little in the way of foreplay, or backstory, or anything remotely lovey-dovey. The case is, instead, rather straightforward: Black guy sees white girl. Very soon thereafter, black guy lays sizable pipe into white girl. Black guy proceeds to fill white girl out like an application. White girl may or may not suffer internal bleeding from sheer size and force of black guy’s member.

Such is the play of Kevin Garnett. There is no foreplay. There is no cuddling. There is simply straight banging – whether it be on the boards, towards the rim, or against the helpless carcass of his opponent. Often, as in interracial porn, internal injuries are caused within Garnett’s victim. He is, simply put, the Lexington Steele of basketball.


Leon Powe as Bondage Porn - Bondage porn is based on the idea that intense feelings of gratification and sexual release can come after long periods of torture or shackling to some stationary object. For Powe, that stationary object happens to be the bench, where he sits for the majority of the game, only to cause Celtics fans feelings of intense pleasure and release when his bench-shackles are released and he is allowed on the court. Did you know that Powe had the 10th highest Player Efficiency Rating of any power forward in the league last year? That’s ahead of All-Stars Antawn Jamison and David West. You’d think that someone with that sort of effectiveness would play 30+ minutes a game, no? But Doc Rivers instead keeps Leon in Bondage on the bench, and relegates us to small intense bursts of ecstacy whe he’s on the court.

Bill Walker as Teen Porn – Fresh out of high school (or Kansas State, which is essentially high school)? From a small backwater town? A little damaged, be it psychologically (playing high school ball with OJ Mayo) or physically (two reconstructed knees)? Take a risk, pack up your things and move to the big city, where we can exploit your obvious physical gifts, pay you a healthy wage, and compromise your Southern values. Walker has also earned the Teen Porn award for trying to disrespect his elders at every opportunity, as shown here:




Brian Scalabrine as Midget Porn – Midgets, as we all know, are here only for our amusement, whether it be as part of a carnival, wrestling show, or running their own farm on “Little People, Big World.” No one actually can possibly get off to midget porn, its presence is simply there for the sake of comedy, much like Brian Scalabrine’s presence on the Celtics roster. Hey look everyone, it’s the big Ginger Kid on the bench! Look at him try to do real basketball player things like dribble, shoot and rap! What a goofball! Now everyone point, laugh, and feel better about yourself knowing that you don’t have to suffer through life with his affliction.


Midgets. Basketball. Now if only we could have a picture of midgets playing basketball...

Jackpot.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I didn't think you could up the ante...WRONG!
Boatdrinks

Dubs said...

+ 8====D~~()