Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Celtics Porn Preview: The Centers

Since it’s (/cue campy Broadway music…da..da..da…) Opening Night for the Celtics, it’s due time we finish up the Porn Previews and discuss the Centers:


Kendrick Perkins as ATM – To pornography aficionados, ATM doesn’t necessarily stand for Automated Teller Machine. No, it’s something far more sinister – a budding genre of porn called “Ass to Mouth,” defined by Wikipedia as such:

Ass-to-mouth is a colloquial term for the removal of the penis from the passive partner's anus followed by the immediate insertion of the penis into the passive partner's or another partner's mouth.

Yes, children, the Big New Thing in porn involves women, obviously with very low self esteem and little regard for their taste buds, tasting their own ass-juices after being penetrated anally, all in the name of more sales/downloads. Some people find it quite erotic, though I just find it quite brutal and demoralizing. While I doubt that Perk has ever tasted his own dingleberries, the comparisons to girls with the utmost low in self-esteem is apt, as Perk is clearly the No. 5 offensive option in the Celtics starting five, so far behind the other four that it frankly has to be a little depressing to be Perk. Pass him the damn ball every once in a while! And yet, like ATM girls, Perk sacrifices himself for the good of the team. We love you Perk, and still will even if you happen to horribly degrade yourself publicly years from now.


Patrick O’Bryant as Soft Core Porn – A few days ago, C’s coach Doc Rivers took a dig at his new backup center by stating that “there’s Patrick speed and then there’s Celtics speed.” O’Bryant also carried with him from Golden State a reputation of being a lottery bust, overly soft, and generally on the last legs of what had already been a sad career. This description follows the EXACT same career path of the actresses that have graced the post-11:30 timeslots of Cinemax for years, starring in such classics as “Bikini Car Wash” and “Emmanuelle in Space.” Once-promising starlets, seeing their career fall into the shitter, take the ready and waiting cash of soft-core porn, where they get topless and rub on a guy’s stomach in slow motion. In a related story, my family subscribed to Cinemax throughout the entirety of my high school tenure. “The Naked Detetcitve” sure helped relieve the tension of dateless Friday nights. Thanks Mom and Dad!


Glen Davis as BBW Porn – “BBW” obviously stands for “Big Beautiful Woman,” a genre of porn in which largesse and excess adipose tissue is celebrated. Those familiar with my acerbic wit may think that I would now take this opportunity to mock the “fatties” and say inappropriate things like “look at the blubber fly!”

But Nay, good reader, I instead am choosing now to praise the Rubenesque form, if only because its resemblance to one of my favorite Celtics, Big Baby Davis. Big girls, as maxim goes, do in fact try harder, and so does Big Baby, using his roly-poly-ness to abilities far exceeding what one would expect from someone of his, um, build. And, as I learned in college, sometimes you just need the added enthusiasm and energy of a Big Girl after too many nights with Skelewhores, the same type of energy that Davis brings off the bench. So to Glen Davis and those whose body type may resemble his, we at Mass Hysteria salute you.

Though seriously, get to the gym once in a while, being that big is probably bad for your heart and pancreas.

7 comments:

Dubs said...

It amazes me how well this works every damn time.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

Also, who gave you permission to use that picture of me and my boyfriend?

shaun said...

hey, i'm a transplanted boston fan. I see on the Celtics site that the game is on at 8 pm eastern. Does that include the ceremonies, or should I find a stream online and tune in sooner?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Shaun, I believe the game is on TNT, so the 8 pm start time most likely won't include the ceremonies.

SmartyBarrett said...

Shaun, from Boston.com:

The ceremonies begin around 7:30 p.m., and will be shown on TNT.

The ceremonies will feature players getting their rings, video highlights from the championship season, and, of course, the raising of the banner to the Garden rafters. The banner raising will take place at around 7:52 p.m., according to the Boston Herald.


Here's the link to the full article.

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