Friday, October 10, 2008

Breakfast With The Hysterics!

Top o' the perfect fall Friday mornin' to ye, Hysterians! Plenty of exciting stuff coming up today -- a recap of the Bruins' win over Colorado to kick off the season, for one, as well as a guest fantasy football preview, some tasty links, and all the other Friday goodies you've come to know and love.

Let's kick off the morning with a game, shall we? I'm sure you're all familiar with the insipid PostSecret, a blog that posts cards people mail in with (supposedly) deep, dark, personal secrets in the name of, I don't know, electronic catharsis or some crap. Lots of people love PostSecret. They were recently on the Today Show, I think, and the founder of the website routinely hosts sold-out events at which (I can only assume) thousands of whiny self-indulgent white people stuff their faces with cubed mild cheddar and weep into one another's arms a la Edward Norton in Fight Club.

In case you couldn't tell, I find this whole thing to be a load of absolute shit. "Wahhhh I want things I can't have! Sometimes I feel lonely and insecure!" SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE NOT SPECIAL OR UNIQUE IN ANY WAY. Oh, and those tweaked-out sexual fantasies involving your high school principal and the mom from the Addams Family? Everyone has those, too. CHRIST. This kind of emo bullshit makes me SO MAD. Legitimate depression, agoraphobia, isolation... these are all serious and devastating mental afflictions that require patience and the love of many people to overcome. You harboring a secret envy of your sister because she got to sit on Daddy's lap more than you? NO ONE GIVES A FLYING TWO-TONE SHIT, RETARD.

I was discussing my venomous loathing of PostSecret with a friend -- let's call him Nodnarb -- yesterday, and, since we're perverts as well as assholes, the discussion naturally evolved into a brainstorming of the most twisted potential PostSecret submissions we could think of. A sampling:

one time, when I was pissed off at my roommate, I swiped one of her crackers between my asscheeks and put it back in the box

I screen your calls because I take a sadistic pleasure in hearing you stammer and stutter out messages on my voicemail

i gave your grandpa road head

when I had the abortion, it was kind of awesome because it was like having sex in reverse

i like to masturbate into the girls panties at Kohls in hopes of impregnating someone

(from Slick) I one time saw a girl that looked exactly like my cousin at a club, and hooked up with her. Now Christmastime is really awkward and no one knows why.

once I masturbated with an entire box of markers then donated them to a kids' school supplies drive

i think the holocaust sounds like fun

i broke the jaw of my teddy ruxpin when i forced it to blow me

sometimes I smoke outside the vent to the cancer ward at the hospital

and the undisputed winner, from Nodnarb:

i masturbate to Anne Geddes pictures

Yeah, it's a fun game. Really brings out the twisted creep that's lurking inside all of you. Join in if you like. And stick around! More Hysteria to come.



Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I was pregnant with your baby but I did four lines of blow and aborted it

SmartyBarrett said...

One time I soaked a mitten in a tub of pop rocks for 24 hours, then beat off with it.

SmartyBarrett said...

paraplegics are useful for something I call "practice rape."

Dubs said...

It's good to have you back FMRA...

I once took my mom's bloody tampon I found in the toilet, strapped it around my dick and let my dog lick it.

Pepster said...

I wasn't sweaty at our wedding because I was nervous, I was sweaty because I just finished a threesome with your maid of honor and sister.

Dubs said...

I rooted for Jim Edmonds this year