Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Breakfast With the Hysterics: The Red Sox and My Childhood Dog


When I was a kid, we used to have a dog. He was a cocker spaniel, and from the minute we got him, my family had no fucking clue what to do with the thing. He was, in short, a spaz of the highest order. He constantly ran around at full speed, and never once calmed the fuck down long enough for you to pat him. He knocked things over in the house constantly, and pissed and shit everywhere. He would bark at all hours of the night, for no apparent reason. And yet still, because he was my first dog, I loved that animal, and was genuinely saddened when Dad told me that he was sent off to a farm where he could run around as much as he pleased, without fear of knocking over vases of scratching up the couch.

Not actually my dog

I bring up that story because, with the same principle, I'm now choosing to believe that the Red Sox were sent to the same farm after last Monday's win over the Angels. Their season ended with Jed Lowrie's single and a dramatic win! Now, on the happy farm, they can run around with other baseball teams as much as they please, without fear of incurring more injury or embarrassing themselves publicly. There, David Ortiz can finally have the wrist surgery he so badly needs, and Tim Wakefield can retire with dignity. On the farm, Josh Beckett is still one of the clutch playoff pitchers of our generation, and Jon Lester is still unhittable at Fenway Park. It's a nice farm, where they grow all sorts of vegetables and milk cows. And my dog gets to chase the Red Sox around, even stopping once in a while to finally let someone pet him.


Now, some of you may try to tell me about this phantom "ALCS" against some team called the "Rays," but to admit that is to admit that my Dad didn't necessarily send my dog to a blissful farm, and I'm just not psychologically ready to admit that. Meanwhile, I'm readying myself for "the World Series of Dude's Names," between the Phils and the Rays. I can't wait to see Jay Leno interview people named Ray and Phil and ask them who they're rooting for! I wonder if people named Ray Phillips or Phillip Ray will get in for free! It's fun to watch baseball!

Sure, the Sox may come back from 3-1 down, like they did in last year's ALCS. That's a possibility. But after watching them mail in two straight home games against a hungry Rays team, I'm not holding out a ton of hope. Call me a pessimist, call me a naysayer, call me a shitter in your bowl of Hope flavored Ice Cream. All I know is that, when I think of the fate of this year's Red Sox team, the first thing that pops into mind is a happy farm, where Jason Varitek gets to run around with my old cocker spaniel.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I had the radio broadcast on to ride home with opening...and changed channels at about 8:13pm. When I flipped back, it was bottom of inning and only one more homer came in after I flipped away!
I slipped in and out during House on Fox. Then somewhere after the sixth inning I decided to avert my eyes the rest of the way. I comforted myself with two episodes of Ace of Cakes.
Sadly, I had no cake. Comfort was meager. The Yankees fan on my morning radio show is crowing. Blech.
Boatdrinks

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Call me a pessimist, call me a naysayer, call me a shitter in your bowl of Hope flavored Ice Cream.

OK!

Seriously, though. It bugs me greatly how, with each passing year, Boston fans grow less and less accustomed to adversity (and not just where the Red Sox are concerned). Sack up, son! It's baseball, and sometimes you lose. But sometimes you win! And you watch either way, because that's what fans do. You don't write off your team just because they've stopped delivering the results you want.

I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

GHABB,Y~! said...

I don't see my philosophy as "writing this team off" as it is "denial of the horrors that are currently occurring. I'm mentally preparing myself for what could/probably will happen by attempting to remember this team in their best moment, not their (current) worst.

Also, it probably should be noted that I've had my Xanax prescription quadrupled in the last three weeks, so everything is sorta warm and fuzzy all over.

Dubs said...

I think my grandma runs that farm...wait a second.

/calls mom

Anonymous said...

Oh, dubs...dude, hope everything is okay.
My fandom fights with my psyche's emotional stability. Sometimes Ace of Cakes wins.
On a serious note, these two teams have had true back and forth all year, so the pundits that kept promising Boston would reign supreme when the pressure amped up on the Rays seemed a little out of touch.
Hope a hope a hope a for Thursday.
Boatdrinks

Dubs said...

Boatdrinks- how was House this week? I am officially hooked now that TBS runs marathons like every other day.

Anonymous said...

I always catch last half hour...Apparently House's Dad died. So he conned Wilson into going with him to the funeral. Missed the travelling hijinx, caught the end where Wilson is trying to get House to get up and be civil during eulogy. Doesn't work, House gets up and points out all the Marines there (Dad was tough Marine) and how they are his rank or higher...noone with lower rank is there because he was always a prick to anyone below him rankwise, or power structure wise (House).
So he rants a bit, then slows down, and stops, and looks like he is losing it, then goes to the coffin, kisses Dad's cheek and uses a nail clipper to grab skin on ear to do a DNA! Bwwahhahahaha.
Wilson skedaddles up and gets him away. They fight in another room at the funeral parlor (verbally) and argued about why Wilson is mad at House.
So they solve the mystery patient thing via phone, then the show ends with Wilson coming back to see House. House is drinking and Wilson asks why, and House shows him the DNA, which proves the deceased is not his Dad.
Wilson says "are you bummed" and House says he is bummed because has no reaction. Then Wilson and House kiss and make up figuratively and Wilson says he is coming back, and this road trip was the most fun he had since Amber died.

Dubs said...

God, I need to get DVR. Hopefully FOX has caught up to the other stations and allows me to watch this spectacular show online. Thanks Boatdrinks for the update.

Oh, Go Sox!!