Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight: Back in Green!

Celtics v. Cavaliers, 8:00 pm.

The Boston Celtics return, at long last, to the Garden tonight to kick off their season against the LeBron James Super Happy Funtime Hour. The Celtics are 6-2 with 95 PPG in the postseason and look ready to roll against a familiar cast of characters: Anderson Varejao's 'fro, Delonte West's endearing and somewhat muppet-like persona, Ben Wallace's Face of Doom, and Wally Szcerbiak's aggressively-coiffed hair, among others.

There's so much to look forward to this season, be it the ever-thrilling maturation of Rajon Rondo, the mysterious majesty of Kevin Garnett, or the excitement of seeing how ferocious Paul Pierce's play might be now that he's finally fought his way out from Basketball Hell (I believe they just moved it to Oklahoma City) and up to the dazzling summit of championship glory. Bust out your jerseys, boys and girls. Welcome your champions home.

Because I love you (not really; I'm just trying to get with your friend), and because many of you weren't around in the infancy of Mass Hysteria, I'm sharing with you some of our choicest Celtics coverage from last spring as we all endured weeks of cold sweat and borderline aneurysms watching our Celtics way fight their way to Banner #17. Observe:

My personal favorite comment thread ever.
A fanciful look at that godawful series with the Hawks.
Bill Russell reminds us all not to lose faith.
GHABB,Y~!'s first attempt to mix substance abuse with sports-related superstitions.
futuremrsrickankiel's 100,000th attempt at drunk communication.
Two eloquent reminders of why L.A. is a godforsaken cesspit of irredeemable humanity that no one should ever root for, ever.
Some hyperbole, because we like it that way.
The world-famous (seriously!) Sasha Vujacic post.
An eyewitness account of the post-victory riots.

Don't miss it! I bet if you're nice to GHABB,Y~! he'll even have some mid- or post-game thoughts to share with you. And I bet they'll all be something along the lines of, "Oh, how I wish I could eat sugar."

Bruins v. Canucks, 10:00 pm. HOLY SHIT THE BRUINS ACTUALLY MANAGED A WIN PAST REGULATION LAST NIGHT. I almost died of shock, but then I realized that I had just left my phone on vibrate. Anyway, the Bruins are currently in the midst of a whirlwind tour of The Other Canadian Teams, having just come off a win (IN OVERTIME OMG) over Edmonton with a matchup against Calgary this Thursday. The Milan Lucic - Marc Savard - Phil Kessel line is still sizzling hot (26 total points, including 5 goals and 7 assists from Savvy alone) and will most likely start the game off tonight for the Bruins. Hopefully we'll have Manny Fernandez in goal tonight; since he used to play for the Wild, he's got plenty of experience against their Northwest Division rival Canucks. Also, hopefully the staff at General Motors Place knows how not to fuck up the markings on the ice.

Little-known fact: It was actually the 1982 Canucks who pioneered the use of Towel Power at hockey games. Only since it's Canada, they'd never call them Terrible Towels. They'd call them "Somewhat Unpleasant Towels" or something polite and inoffensive like that. Eh?

Frivolous wager of the night: Oh my god. I don't actually know where to set the over-under for hyperbolic montages from the Celts/Cavs series from the playoffs last season. 1,000? 100,000? It could be infinity times pi and I'd still advise you to take the over. I'm actually grateful that this game is on NBA on TNT (where the 70s are still alive and kicking!) because it means that we might actually get something approximating even-handed coverage. I do enjoy Mike and Tommy on occasion, but I fear that Tommy might actually implode during a homeristic frenzy were he calling this game. Let's leave that be and go with Over-Under on Times Wally Szcerbiak Trips Because He's Busy Staring At His Reflection In The Parquet: 8.5. Takers? Our bookies accept payment in Tommy Points!

Serious prediction of the night: Celts by 8. Think I'm a homer? Originally, I had Celts by 80. I'm so jazzed to hear Eddie Palladino's voice booming out over the Garden I might just make it Celts by 800. This message approved by Tommy Heinsohn.


stanley cup of chowder said...

I think I would rather have Tommy call the B's games then have to listen to Jack Edwards hyperventilating and geeking out.

"He just smashed the glass and made two kids heads bleed! Give him a Tommy Point! I Love LOOOOOOCH!"

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Talk shit about Jack Edwards again and suffer consequences eternal.

SmartyBarrett said...

go in the kitchen and make me some bacon and eggs, will you? aaaaaawgghhhh

The A-Train said...

Because I love you (not really; I'm just trying to get with your friend)

His low self-esteem does tend to make him more attractive to bossy women

stanley cup of chowder said...

I am still lobbying for the return of Dale Arnold.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Come on, man. Don't you love when Jack Edwards tries to use slang and sound cool, but miserably fails? Like last night, when he was all, "The Canucks are really getting into Thomas' grill." WRONG. HILARIOUS.

stanley cup of chowder said...

OK, I'll give you that. I liked his 2 minute long rant before the game about how "you don't spit into the wind, you don't tug on Superman's cape, and you don't mess around with Tim". I'm not sure if you saw it, but it was like a 2 minute set up to a lame joke. Classic Jack.