Wednesday, October 15, 2008

BOSTON IS UNDER ATTACK!!!


Terror has struck the city of Boston. No not the horror of having a floundering baseball and football team, its the extreme terror of falling under siege to a vicious group of marauding warriors bent on destroying our fair city. Led by a flamboyant young man, equipped with a "Ray Hawk" named BJ the Brave, this group is determined to conquer the world. His side kicks are a suave debonair named Evan the Young and supervillian traitor Doc Rocco (who actually has been living with mitochondria). The group started with a very small numbers of followers Tampa Bay, and were seen as a fringe threat until this year. As they have become more successful more citizens have followed. They have already laid to waste major metropolitan cities like New York and Chicago. Is Boston next? Our faithful warriors have looked overmatched by the young invaders, failing to thwart their last three advances. Virtuous Varitek, The Dominican Dynamo and Crazy Horse Ellsbury appear defeated and tired.

After destroying the Red Sox and leaving them in complete disarray, leader of this covert group BJ proceeded to annihilate everything else we Bostonians hold sacred. He started by lighting the Citgo sign on fire, blowing up Cheers and wiping his feces on the Golden Dome of the Statehouse. Upton continued his unholy jihad by infiltrating the Union Oyster House and replaced all the New England Chowder with the far inferior Manhattan variety. His final act of evil occurred when he hijacked Aerosmith and brought them back to TB, and replaced them in Boston with Floridian boy-bander Nick Carter. There seems to be no end to his vile unholy war on decency.

When asked for comment at a noon press conference, Upton punched Jack Williams in the face and impregnated Maria Stephanos. "I don't care about yo' traditions, or yo' fans all I want to do is spray champagne, drink Patron at Fenway and make it rain on some BU bitches" Upton ominously predicted. How can these villains be stopped? According to unconfirmed reports Tampa Bay have two major weak spots: Pitchers that pound them inside and LOUD CROWDS. We must turn to our hired Japanese assassin to intimidate these heavy hitters, he must be courageous and not be scared of Don Juan Carlos and Tiny Mitts Barlett. The Tampa Bay Crew has felt far too comfortable in Boston and its our job to make their life a living hell on Thursday. Citizens of Boston, its up to you to stop these hooligans. Get ready for the fight of your life. We can not, we WILL NOT LOSE. THIS...IS..... BOSTON!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Dubs said...

"I don't care about yo' traditions, or yo' fans all I want to do is spray champagne, drink Patron at Fenway and make it rain on some BU bitches"

Manny nods, knowingly.

PS +1 all around today. Great work, Hysterics. Let the day shine with Tampa blood and the night ring with Boston cheer.