Friday, September 12, 2008

Week 2 Fantasy Football Preview


EAT SEVENTEEN BEERS vs. My Little Ponies – Buoyed by 97 (yes, you read that right, FMRA’s scoring system gives more bonuses than the teacher at Bookwormbitches.com) points from Michael Turner, Smurphette’s My Little Ponies lead the league in points and estrogen. However, her weaknesses of Silky Garrard (minus three starting linemen) and Marvin Harrison (minus one antique revolver) could leave the door open for Starting Aces’ all-caps squad which…wait…he’s seriously starting Ricky Williams, and not even as a joke? Expect more Pony-inflicted death than my sixth birthday party.

RubberFistingMitten vs. LessThanJakeDelhomme – It’s the battle of two winless teams here, as FMRA’s squad battles the Fightin’ Grimeys. FMRA’s third-round Chargers defense is already on pace to be the worst decision since the introduction of Stefan Urquell, while Grimey’s team has Dakota Fanning-esque upside. Expect FMRA to have something else to whine about on Monday morning, and I for one hope that this loss does not coincide with her period. If it does, Hurricane Ike won’t have shit on FMRA’s wrath.

Norfolk & Way vs. FutureMrsWillaFord – Guest Celebrity league member Flubby got off to a torrid start last week, scoring 87 whole points, only 117 less than the league leader. Good thing he doesn’t write for a football site or anythi…wait, nevermind. His strategy of relying on quarterbacks with no wideouts (Hasselbeck) or running backs with no offensive line (Steven Jackson), should prove well against Rocco’s 0-1 squad. Meanwhile, my team beat Rocco's FutureMrsWillaFord entry like Robin Givens circa 1988. Still, FutureMrsWillaFord through the painkilling powers of Grampa Vicodin should pull this one out.

OsiHumanUrine vs. Kaczur’s Pill Surplus – Smarty Barrett wins the official “That Guy” award for starting Matt Cassell this week on his OsiHumanUrine squad. Luckily, he’s got total non-bust running backs like Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush to carry the load. Yeah, he’s fucked. Meanwhile the 1-0 Kaczur’s Pill Surplus squad, while starting no wide receiver younger than 48 years of age, should ride the sexy haunches of Drew Brees and Moderately Quick Willie Parker for the win. No homo.

Hangin With Mr. Dungy vs. Peytons Infected Sac – Shhh, nobody tell Hangin With Mr. Dungy that Marques Colston is out for 6 weeks with a thumb injury. Even without Colston however, this is a relatively solid squad, provided that Roethlisberger doesn’t die on the way to the stadium. Which, actually, would be awesome. Blow me Yinzers! Peytons Infected Sac should put up a strong fight in what should be the closest contest of the week, guided by Marion Barber, Plaxico Burress, DeSean Jackson and the world’s second most athletic diabetic, Jay Cutler. Obviously I would obviously be the first, given that I won the Danvers National Little League Hit Run & Throw Contest three years in a row.

Cockflash Lisa Olson vs. Fat Drunk and Stupid – Ahh, Pepster. You seem like a good chap. You leave occasionally funny comments on our wonderful blog. You hit on FMRA less than Rocco. Your team even meets Affirmative Action standards with an Asian receiver (Hines Wald’s smirre), a white tight end (Shockey) and a retarded quarterback (Unga-Munga Jerry’s Kid Manning). Unfortunately, your United Colors of Benneton shall meet its doom this week against the all knowing, all powerful, Cockflash Lisa Olson, helmed by “Every female's top tourist destination, and the man who's crotch is truly the happiest place on earth, the man who makes Minnie Mouse's panties wet, and the man who just last night helped Daisy Duck fulfill her dream, as she took one for the team, and I made her squeal and scream, as I filled her full of cream, it is I, the bacon in her eggs, the man for whom she begs, and the face between her legs, the quintissential and original studmuffin” GHABB,Y.

Seriously though my team, nay, my TOUR DE FORCE, has a sound battle plan. First, we fatten you up with the contents of Brandon Marshall’s McDonald’s bag. Mmm, doesn't that taste good? Then we lightly slap you in the face with Tony Romo’s lucky penis, to wake you up a bit. Jerricho Cotchery and Derrick Mason then run past you to serve as a distraction when BOOM, you’re hit with Marshawn Lynch’s SUV. Game. Fucking. Over. If God decides to breathe mercy into Pepster’s effort, the score may be within 80 points, but given His anger at Sarah Palin using His name in vain, I doubt it. Cockflash Lisa Olson 274, Fat Drunk and Stupid 12.


Plaschke eats penis vs. Fightin Amalies – In our feature matchup of the week, the first inter-Mass Hysteria battle takes place between HMLS’s subtly-named squad and APNDR’s ode to Amalie Benjamin’s horse face. Seriously, Sarah Jessica Parker called and she wants her bone structure back. And her oats. And hay. The fightin penis eaters feature "Big Baby Jesus" Warner, "Big Baby Davis" Lendale White and "Big Baby Stabbywrists" Terrell Owens, so that should go well. APNDR counters with Adrian Peterson and…not much else. Unfortunately for APNDR, it’s not 2004, so Carson Palmer is no longer a viable fantasy quarterback option. At least Palmer qualifies as a “has been,” while Reggie Williams and D.J. Hackett are “never weres.” I predict the score of this Special Olympic battle to be 0-0. I’ll leave you all with a few words of (sad) trash talk:


APNDR: I will torch him like Koko B. Ware's parrot.

HMLS: I am going to leave his team as disfigured as Amalie's teeth.

It’s been broughten, y’all.

22 comments:

The A-Train said...

Pepster...You hit on FMRA less than Rocco

I'm still on top of the power rankings for creepy eStalkers though, right?

Starting Aces said...

HEY, I'M STARTING RONNIE BROWN NOW.

J said...

Hey, if my trade goes through like its supposed to I'll have gotten rid of Cutler for The Golden Manning. I didn't think of they irony of Peyton's Infected Sac actually having Peyton...

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

You forgot the Biggest Baby, Javon Walker. WAHHHH my friend got shot, wahhhhh I dont't get enough touches, wahhhhh someone knocked me out and took my money.

Zach Martin said...

I think there is an undeniable parallel between Walker and the guy in Summer of Sam. And more than just their love of Champagne showering hoe's at the night club.

SmartyBarrett said...

QB tore his ACL.

Fixed.

Zach Martin said...

QB tore his ACL and MCL.

Fixed, again.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

My fresh hot burrito from Chipotle takes it all this week. Guaranteed.

Pepster said...

Anymore fresh hot burrito jokes and I might have to pass Rocco in the who hits on FMRA more department (but nowhere near A-train, for sure).

GHABB,Y~! - You are really relying on Derrick Mason as the basis for your trash talk? And speaking of white tight ends, how did Todd Heap turn out for you? Apparently he was the Daisy Duck about which you write.

Pepster said...

By the way - Bring It On is truly one of the most underrated movies of all time.

Bring It On Again? ATROCIOUS!

GHABB,Y~! said...

Mason had 103 catches last year, and Todd Heap...well...he was all that was left in the draft, haha. He'll get me more than the -1 he got me last week though, that's for damned sure.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Are you sure, he was pretty useless last year. He gets hurt alot, that nancy boy.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

THE BONUSES ARE SET UP JUST THE WAY THEY WERE ON THE YAHOO DEFAULT SCORING YOU FUCKTARDS

SERIOUSLY FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SCORING AGAIN AND SEE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS

SEE HOW YOU LIKE WAKING UP WITH YOUR DICK STAPLED TO THE CARPET

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Just to emphasize how much of my bitch HMLS is, I'm starting Aaron Rodgers over Palmer.

Come to Purple Jesus!

Grimey said...

Hey, as long as Ryan Grant has a functional hamstring this weekend, I'm happy with the bonuses

Zach Martin said...

SEE HOW YOU LIKE WAKING UP WITH YOUR DICK STAPLED TO THE CARPET

Why do I picture this as forplay for FMRA?

The A-Train said...

Why do I picture this as foreplay for FMRA?

For her, yes. For the man? Not so much.

SERIOUSLY FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SCORING AGAIN AND SEE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS

That's one of the best parts about fantasy football! Other awesome parts?

• Betting who will win when you play friends, and the reneging on the bet when your team fucks sucks that week
• Bitching about Colston and his gimpy thumb tendon (shakes fist in rage)
• Bitching about bizarre scoring that totally hoses your team. I mean, if it had been scored straight up, I totally would have won...
• Using 'well, if I'd started so-and-so, I would have creamed you' as an excuse for starting off the season 1-5 despite bragging about your awesome draft

and of course...

• Complaining about one-sided trades while simultaneously trying to get Brian Westbrook for a bunch of scrubs.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Banned. All of you. Banned.

SmartyBarrett said...

And I, for one, welcome my new fantasy quarterback overlord. I'd like to remind Mr. Cassel that as a trusted blogger, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in his underground sugar caves.

Swain said...

Clearly the only thing better than Bring It On is The Rock's soliloquy in Be Cool, using the dramatic confrontation between Kirsten Dunst and Gabrielle Union. Truly brilliant.

And who can forget Bring It On: All Or Nothing, starring Hayden Panetierre and Little Beyonce, or Bring It On: In It To Win It, with one of the High School Musical girls. The one who didn't send nudie phone camera pictures to her boyfriend.

The A-Train said...

Banned. All of you. Banned.

why don't you go back to your home on whore island!?

/eStalk +1

Rocco said...

SEE HOW YOU LIKE WAKING UP WITH YOUR DICK STAPLED TO THE CARPET

I don't want to hit on her anymore.

/Don't like immigrants anyway.