In a dramatic victory over the Tampa Bay Rays last night, one member of the Boston Red Sox quietly achieved a personal victory of his own: bullpen fixture Mike Timlin made his 1,050th career relief appearance and thus set the record for most appearances by a right-handed reliever in Major League History. Mr. Timlin was kind enough to sit down with me and reflect on his achievement this morning.
Mr. Timlin, your thoughts on achieving this remarkable milestone with the reigning World Champion Boston Red Sox?
EH? WHAT? OH, WELL THAT TERRY FRANCONA IS ALL RIGHT ENOUGH FOR A JEW-NOSE DAGO. TOO MANY ITALIANS IN BASEBALL, I'VE ALWAYS SAID. CAN'T TRUST 'EM NOT TO FILL YOUR CLEATS UP WITH MACARONI TO DISTRACT YOU WHILE THEY PUT THE GREASE ON YOUR WOMAN. THAT JOE GIRARDI. WHAT'S HE HIDIN,' EH? ANYWAY WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS THAT IT'S A GREAT HONOR TO BE PLAYING FOR THIS RED SOX TEAM, WINNIN' THE PENNANT FOR THOSE COMMIES NORTH OF THE BORDER IN NINEY-TOO AND NINEY-THREE WEREN'T QUITE THE SAME AS KISSIN' THAT TROPHY ON AMERICAN SOIL.
A lovely sentiment. Mr. Timlin, your nickname is "Mile High Mike," right? Is that a reference to your love of the long ball?
THAT IS ACTUALLY A REFERENCE TO THE BATTLE OF BUNKER HILL
Wow. Really? Would you care to elaborate on that?
Er, ok. Mr. Timlin, one of the most memorable moments of your career was surely earning the save in the final game of the '92 World Series and thus leading your Blue Jays to victory. How did that moment compare with last night?
NEVER LIKED THE BRAVES. THEIR OWNER WAS MARRIED TO THAT DIRTY HIPPIE WITH THE BIG VAGINA. T'AIN'T NO PLACE FOR WIMMIN IN POLITICS, EXCEPTIN' THAT SARAH PALIN WHO'S TOLD ME SHE WILL MAKE MY WEEKLY CHEWIN' TOBACCY PURCHASES TAX-DEDUCTIBLE.
Who are some of the players you've most enjoyed working with here in Boston?
ALWAYS LIKED THAT REDSKIN JOHNNY DAMON, I DID. NEVER WENT PUTTING ON AIRS AND SUCH. WIFE MADE A TASTY MEATLOAF. LOTS OF BREADCRUMBS AND NOT TOO MUCH CATSUP, JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT. BACK WHEN I WAS A KID, Y'KNOW, COULDN'T GET CATSUP IN THOSE LITTLE PACKETS. HAD TO WALK ROUND WITH A GLASS BOTTLE O' HEINZ 57 STRAPPED IN NEXT TO YOUR COCK IN THE OFF-CHANCE A FRENCH FRY BROKE OUT
HATE THOSE FROGGY BASTARDS, I DO
CAN I SAY COCK ON THIS THING
I'm not sure Johnny Damon is Native American, actually, but let's move on. One of my favorite baseball players is Rick Ankiel. You were on the Cardinals with Ankiel in 2000, right? What was it like witnessing his infamous meltdown?
YIS, I RUMUMBER WHEN THAT WHIPPERSNAPPER COULDN'T STOP PELTING THE BACKSTOP WITH ERRANT SPITBALLS, I DO. I RUMUMBER IT BICAUSE THAT WAS THE DAY I'D GOTTEN A BUM PICKLE ON M' CHICKEN-AND-JEW-BREAD SANDWICH BUT COULDN'T GET THE SKINNY MICK BEHIND THE COUNTER TO TAKE IT BACK. I TOLD THAT WOP LA RUSSA TO GIMME THE BALL AN' I'D CLOSE OUT THE KID'S GAME, BUT HE JUST KEPT SNIFFLIN' AND MUMBLIN' ABOUT SHOULD HAVE LET THE KID BAT RIGHT-HANDED OR SOME SUCH. NICE KID, THOUGH, OH SURE.
Mr. Timlin, just a personal question. It's rumored that you became a born-again Christian back in the late 80s after a string of sexual harassment lawsuits led you to believe you may have a sex addiction. Do you feel that baseball played a role in helping you move past that time in your life?
WHAT IN THE CONSARN IS YOUR PROBLEM
[whips out picture of Hayden Panettiere; starts masturbating furiously]
Uh, Mr. Timlin, I'm not...
NEVER YOU MIND, YOUNG LADY, I FOUGHT IN THE WAR
Really? You're a veteran? Which war did you fight in?
THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS