Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Very Minimal List of Things That Would be More Awesome Than the Start of the NFL Season

-Winning a $500 Powerball lottery on the same day that the government decides to repeal the income tax, then quitting my day job by defecating on my boss's desk.

-Kristen Bell sitting on my face, and thanking me afterwards for the privilege.

-Finding out that the hospital with a cure for diabetes is located directly next to the world’s greatest Chinese buffet (that charges only a dollar and includes all-you-can-eat sushi), which happens to have heated toilet seats and newspaper sports sections from all over the country in the bathroom.

-Being named the referee in an over-the-top midget battle royal.

-Standing next to Ron Jeremy at a urinal and having him look over and say "Wow, impressive."

-Having Ronnie James Dio pop out of my birthday cake and break into a rendition of "Holy Diver."

-Turning my entire house into a giant Moon Bounce.

-Being the world’s sole hoverboard owner.

-Magically morphing into Stacy Keibler’s bar of soap.

-Defeating Ivan Drago in Moscow, avenging the death of my best friend Apollo Creed.

-Finding out that HBO is deciding to produce new episodes of Arrested Development.

-Partying for one night with Ric Flair.

-Opening my own White Castle restaurant.

-Having the exact day described by Ice Cube in “It Was A Good Day”, minus the Lakers beating the Supersonics.

-Seeing a basketball starting five comprised of Bryant Reeves, Eric Montross, Gheorge Muresan, Serge Zwikker and Acie Earl, and coached by Nate Doornekamp.

- Winning a Caucasian speedrapping contest over Snow.

-Finding out that Joe Esposito’s epic song “You’re the Best Around” was written about me.

-Having a front-row ticket to a fight between Mike Tyson and his tiger.

-Having my voice altered so that everything I say sounds like it’s coming from the guy with the really low voice from Boyz II Men.

-Owning a basement filled with gold Sacagawea coins that I can swim around in every morning.

-Winning a lifetime supply of Strongbow cider, and having a tap installed in my kitchen.

Granted, the Patriots aren’t playing, but tonight is the official start to the 2008 NFL season, and therefore a day of epic awesomeness. Give your list of things that would be more awesome in the comments.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Getting my salad tossed while watching a Mad Men Season 1 marathon.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ooh also: having my neck grow incredibly long and flexible so I could motorboat myself.

I just want to see what it's like!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

And, to complete the hat trick: having the ability to turn shitty beer into cold Unibraue Maudite.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

That's "Unibroue," sorry. Here's a tasty link.

Zach Martin said...


Woodchuck over Strongbow, hands down...


Thank you...

The A-Train said...

two chicks at the same time

Zach Martin said...

Other awesome things:

Having Man Day really exist. More distinctly known as steak and blow job day.

Kyle Orton’s neck-beard coming to life and leading the Bears to a Super Bowl victory.

Derreck Lee hitting a home run.

Going back in time and stealing the ball from Hailey Barr when she said, “steal the ball from me and I’ll make out with you.”

Becoming the prince of something (no responsibility with all the fun/group sex/hemophilia).

Being the minority in a new-look Rat Pack.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

not being hung over after a night of balls to wall drinking.

Pepster said...

Informer, you know say daddy me snow me I'm gonna bla am. A licky boom boom down. Detective man said I said daddy me snow me stabbed someone down the la ane.

Sorry about that. Couldn't resist.

How about a roomful of Jessica's all for myself (Alba, Biel, some really hot ones that aren't even famous), to the point where I can tell Jessica Simpson, "No thanks, I'm good. You can leave".

The A-Train said...

coming into contact with FMRA while she's drunk and living to tell about it.

Pepster said...

If we are going the actual party route, you can have Ric Flair. I'll take Fred Smoot, Snoop Dogg, and the 1990's Dallas Cowboys. Oh, and of course, Pac Man Jones.

GHABB,Y~! said...

Woodchuck is good, but Strongbow, at least IMO, was my first non-beer love, and therefore holds a special place in my heart. Also, it has two less carbs per bottle, which is key for the diabeetus.

Zach Martin said...

I didn't take into account the DF (Diabeetus Factor).

There is something always special about first loves. Especially amongst young-lovers. Except in my case, where special should be replace with hate-filled. But to each his own.

Other things that would be awesome:

Girlfriends with the ability to shape-shift so I can bang a different looking chick each night. This would also cure all men's need to cheat. Really a win, win.

If I turned into Brad Pitt's cock. What a life I would lead.

Being able to throw really hard underhand, like Jenny Finch. Always wanted to do that. But less gayer than it is sounding.

Stanley Cup of Chowder said...

Wow, a Serge Zwikker reference AND a Snow reference in the same post! Nice work!

Rocco said...

Tom Brady tearing his ACL.