Monday, September 29, 2008

Torii Hunter's Theater of the Obvious

Mark your calendars, kids. One of the greatest baseball minds... nay, truly one of the greatest minds period, has come up with an analysis so penetrating, so terribly deep and inaccessible to intellectual midgets like myself, that surely the Nobel committee members are just retiring to the beach this year, their work already conclusively done for them. For someone asked Torii Hunter, outfielder for your AL West Champion And Soon To Be Facing The Local Red Sox Baseball Club In the Playoffs Again Los Angeles of California of Anaheim Angels, why home runs have precipitously dropped off since 2003. You know, the year that drug testing stopped being a joke.

"I think the steroid testing has something to do with it," he said. "If there were any guys who were taking it, they're not taking it anymore. I'd say it's a small percentage, but of course it's going to have an impact."


But wait, Torii opened up on some other issues, too:

• "I think that Clay Aiken may, you know, like dudes. A lot."

• "Boy, the stock market hasn't been doing well recently!"

• "I think that the strippers may not really be totally into me and my wonderfulness, and they're just being nice to me in the hopes that I tip heavily."

• "In my professional opinion, I think Roger Clemens may not have been telling the whole truth in front of Congress."

• "That redhead on Mad Men really has a great rack."

• "I'm confident that America will have a new president by next February."

• "My prediction? We don't see Josh Beckett until Game 3."

Torii Hunter: His mind works, while our minds slumber.


The A-Train said...

For Halloween this year, Torii Hunter will be dressing up as Captain Obvious.

"That redhead on Mad Men really has a great rack."
And one hell of a caboose too.

ballamiguel said...

If I went head first into a wall a a dozen times per year for 10 years, I'd say some stupid $hit too.