Monday, September 8, 2008

Tom Brady's Knee Makes Me Suicidal

Remember that feeling that you had after the Pats lost to the Giants in the Super Bowl? The queasy feeling, the helpless feeling of complete and utter despair? Well it's back, and multiply that by like a million. Yeah, it fucking sucks that bad.

You already know the news that Brady was broken yesterday, tearing his ACL, and most likely gone for the season. When our vaunted leader hit the ground, our gentle symbiosis that has existed in Foxborough over the past 6 seasons was broken and our worse fears were realized. What the fuck is life going to be like without the best quarterback of our generation?

We as Patriots fans have been spoiled by Tom Brady: he has given us EVERYTHING, winning Superbowl after Superbowl and piling up ridiculous stats. Now we have to look forward to a season with a career backup lined up behind the center -- a guy that looked like absolute shit against backup defenses during the preseason. That little tendon... with the tear of one piece of fucking muscle, the New England Patriots magically turned into the Buffalo Bills. All of a sudden the excitement of this upcoming football season took a serious blow to the nuts.

After the injury, our "fill in" quarterback Matt Cassel, the guy I have been throwing under the bus all preseason, came in and played respectable football. He kept mistakes to a minumum but he also didn't do anything exciting on the field. He failed to really utilize Randy Moss, who disappeared after the TD catch, and Wes Welker was practically invisible for most of the game. But did any of that really matter? I felt like a zombie watching this game, and not like the new Zombies on meth either -- more like the George Romero type. I had no idea what the hell was going on during the game, my brain just kept going "Brady...Brady...Brady". That replay just kept replaying in my head over and over again. Brady's magic was his ability to bring out the strengths of everyone around him, something that Cassel really struggled with.

Jesus tap dancing Christ we had a hard time putting the Chiefs away. This is the team was being led by DAMON FUCKING HUARD. I totally forgot that ass clown was still in the NFL, and he was as good as our starting QB. Normally I drink socially, or to waste time, or just for the hell of it, but I think I need to pick up a bottle of Jack Daniels to numb myself from this one.

This is some some serious shit we are in. Nothing can be taken for granted anymore. Think of this: we are playing Brett Favre next week, and there is a GOOD chance we are going to lose this game. That drug addled has-been washed up Quarterback is going to be favored to beat our Patriots... hold on I want to throw up. Every game is going to be a chore to watch, I am going to need some prescription strength pain meds to watch the Pats play the Colts. Can anyone sell me some Vicodin? My email address is I am a desperate man.

Now as Brady learns to fuck Gisele with his one good knee, I ponder: are there any other options out there? I am sure Daunte Culpepper's name will be thrown around, he had some nasty years with the Vikings and gets along well with Moss, but jesus christ he looked like Quincy Carter his last few seasons in the league. Stay retired dude. Can we make the playoffs? Have a winning record?

I can't write anymore about this, I think I share the same feelings as the other editors here, when I say this is possibly one of the worst days in recent Boston sports memory. FUCK. I hear cutting helps with this type of pain. Does anyone have a pair of rusty scissors I could borrow?

Dig in Patriots fans: we are in for a long season.


futuremrsrickankiel said...


GHABB,Y~! said...

FMRA said that with the conviction of someone quite familiar with Trojans.

Grimey said...

Now as Brady learns to fuck Gisele with his one good knee

Little known fact: ACL tears are actually the reason why "reverse cowgirl" was invented

shaun said...

We enter the dark period, but we shall emerge stronger on the other side.

When the hell does the 2009 schedule come out?

Graham said...

Pull yourself together, HMLS. This is ridiculous. Scrape yourself off the floor and focus. It will be okay. Remember the old days. Remember Bledsoe getting sacked every 5 seconds? Remember loosing all the time? Being a boston fan was never about having all our teams on top. Hell, it was never about having any of our teams on top. It was about faith. It was about rallying behind the underdog. It was about drinking heavily regardless of the outcome. We have been spoiled in boston. Last year was *almost* not fun to watch. We destroyed everyone. So now we have to fight. There is nothing boston likes more than a fight; than a hard-earned win that shuts up everyone with something to say about our abilities. I am with DaveR. Stop panicking and think positive. Brady was a noone when Bledsoe went out and look what happened! We love and support the pats as a team. We have fantastic players, the best coach in life, and all the more incentive to prove everyone wrong. We do well as the underdog. It will be okay. And I'm not just saying this because I want to marry Matt Cassel. And what did going undefeated last year get us? NOTHING. It got us laughed at by giants fans and beat by not even the real manning. Will we win them all? No. Do we have a shot at the playoffs anyway because of shear tenacity? HELL YES. This is boston for crying out loud. Get a thirty pack and get ready for one hell of a ride.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

But its Tom Brady.....TOM BRADY.....He's my binky I dont know what to do without him.