Monday, September 15, 2008

This Week in Route 1 Football

It was supposed to be college football’s epic nonconference battle. USC, #1 team in the land, against #5 Ohio State, the team that appeared in the last two BCS Championships. No fewer than eight projected first-rounders would be playing. Celebrities like Denzel Washington, Jamie Foxx and Kaitlin Olson (hooray for the return of Always Sunny!) would be present. ESPN dedicated roughly 3,987 hours of pregame coverage, including 393 video montages involving Will Ferrell. The game would be played in prime time on ABC in front of millions.

USC 35, Ohio State 3.

The game was so lopsided and such a disappointment that we’ve been prompted to introduce a new award here at Mass Hysteria: The “Cabaret Back Room Lapdance Award for Disappointment,” issued to the epic letdown that was USC-Ohio State this weekend. Not that I've ever experienced this, but friends tell me that the back room lapdances at the Cabaret are wildly disappointing, and do not, in any way, involve a beej from a hot stripper, but rather a bored-looking bulimic cokehead from Peabody uncomfortably shifting her bony ass on top of your jeans for $40 a song. USC-Ohio State was equally disappointing, with all sorts of hype leading to football-induced blue balls. And Ohio State didn’t even let me hear an awesome Motley Crue song in the process.

Kelly’s Roast Beef “Real Fucking Deal” Award – As epically as Ohio State failed on Saturday, the opposite can be said for USC, who solidified themselves as the Week 2 National Champion by leaps and bounds. Holy fucking shit is this team good. McKnight ran at will, Sanchez found open receivers all over the field, and the defense – by God that defense – made Ohio State look like Temple. Rey Maualuga haunts your dreams.

Weylu’s Epic Fail Award – Making things even easier for USC, the rest of the Pac-10 revealed themselves to be unfathomably shitty this weekend, giving credence to the belief that USC could insert all of their local Delta Delta Delta chapter into the starting lineup and still win the Pac-10. Oregon barely escaped a terrible Purdue team in overtime, and lost their quarterback and running back in the process. Arizona State lost to UNLV, who apparently was starting Stacey Augmon and Larry Johnson in the backfield. Cal was so soundly beaten by Maryland that they lost their collective lunch in the process, as shown here.

Clearly, if that running back had eaten the fine food at Weylu’s, then he wouldn’t have thrown up.

Bahama Beach Club Defensive Struggle Award – Another new award here at Mass Hysteria, and it’s named for the under-18 club in Malden that you went to with your buddies once because you heard all the girls went there, even though you hated techno music, dancing, and people. Yet, lured by the prospect of strange teenage ass, you went, hoping to at least get to second base with some slut from Everett or Melrose, or at least get the phone number of a female that you haven't gone to school with since you were six. But what happened instead? DEFENSIVE STRUGGLE. The girls, nonplussed by your lack of tribal tattoos or frosted tips, did NOT in fact give you the time of day, and you were forced to listen to the worst music ever while dancing awkwardly with your equally-unsuccessful guy friends. We got the last laugh though, as the BBC (and the entire Paradise complex) was closed due to a rash of shootings. LOLZ @ SHOOTINGZ.

This week’s BBC Defensive struggle goes to the Auburn-Mississippi State 3-2 baseball game that broke out on a football field Saturday night. I unfortunately attempted to watch this game in between USC touchdowns, and saw a Miss State offense that was less productive than Josh Hartnett doing the multiplication tables.
Nice mustache, retard.

Kowloon Good Ol’ Fashioned Fun Award – This week’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Fun award goes to the lone Friday night game - South Florida vs. Kansas. South Florida pulled out an epic 37-34 win on a last-second field goal in a game that featured nearly 900 yards of total offense. Of course, I didn’t see it because I was about six Strongbows deep by the time the game even started, but from the reports it looked pretty damn exciting. Not nearly as exciting, however, as trying to pee out a gallon of hard cider while the urinal spins in front of you. Kinda like shooting the water gun into the clown’s mouth at the fair, except with your penis.

Wild Oats “What the fuck are they doing here?” Award – This week’s award goes to the Fightin’ Utes of Utah, who eeked out a 58-10 win over Utah State this weekend. In even bigger “What the fuck are they doing here” news, the starting quarterback for Utah is a black guy with the same name as AC/DC’s lead singer. Utah. Quarterback. Black guy. Not being racist or anything, just...surprised.
Closing of Russo’s Candy House “Well, That Sucks” Award – Yes, another new award here at Mass Hysteria, where we like to keep it fresher than FMRA’s anus on a Friday night. The closing of Russo’s Candy House, to a husky child such as myself, was a sad day in the annals of Route 1, and, dare I say, of mankind. No one made a better chocolate frappe, had better peanut butter fudge, or made a better chocolate covered pretzel. In a related story, I am now diabetic.
This week’s “Well, That Sucks” award goes to Notre Dame, who returned to national annoyance with a 35-17 whipping of Michigan. Oh, great, now we get to hear about Notre Dame “being back” now, including paeans to Irish of yore from millions of latently racist Notre Dame fans? Articles on uber-douche Jimmy Clausen? And we even get to hear fun news about the progress of Charlie Weis’ knee, which was schadenfreuded clipped by his own player on a special teams play? Must be my lucky day. Who needs a chocolate frappe?

Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award – This week’s Frank Giuffrida Award goes to the entire USC defense, for their heroism and valor in making sure that our national championship won’t be plagued by a shitty Ohio State team this year. Given the size of the USC defense and their non-Saugus location, may we at Mass Hysteria recommend the Hilltop Chuck Wagon, which caters to the location of your choosing. For those with special dietary needs, the Chuck Wagon can provide complimentary rice pilaf or BBQ Styled Baked Beans for the vegetarian diet. Or, in the case of the USC linebackers, condiments will be provided to compliment the taste of conquered souls.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Thank you for not mentioning the REAL Pac-10 epic fail of the weekend.....

Zach Martin said...

Oh, great, now we get to hear about Notre Dame “being back” now, including paeans to Irish of yore from millions of latently racist Notre Dame fans?

My racism is overt, dammit.

GHABB,Y~! said...

@APNDR: There's another team in LA that plays football? I thought they just had a basketball team that lost to Florida every year.

Pepster said...

The fuck's a frappe?

I actually know what a frappe is, but I didn't the first time I was drunk in MA and impulse bought a milkshake with my greasy pizza. How the hell was I supposed to know a milkshake doesn't have ice cream in it and that I wanted a frappe instead?

shaun said...

You left out UCLA's epic assrape by a pack of Mormons.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

The Cal guy who is puking, they got raped so hard by Maryland that he turned red? WTF?!

stanley cup of chowder said...

The Defensive Struggle Award and the Cab Back Room Lapdance Award for Disappointment were great additions. Nice work.

smurphette said...


/pouts adorably

No but for real, if you say that, then it is clear that you have never met an Ohio State or a Southern Cal fan, because they are the fucking worst.