Cheer up Patriot fans, as there's an exciting brand of football played on the weekends that doesn't involve the words "Injured Reserve," "Spygate" or "Matt Cassell." Hundreds of thousands of people enjoy it every Saturday, and there's even a local team for you to root for. Wait...they suck after losing their star quarterback too? Laaaaame. Still, might as well still enjoy this week's Route 1 College Football Awards:
Kelly's Roast Beef Real Fucking Deal award – This week's Kelly's Roast Beef with Sauce and Tomatoes Real Fucking Deal Award goes to East Carolina. I know, I know, "East Carolina" isn't even a state! Even still, they mass-murdered Virginia Tech (too soon?) last week, and gave the residents of West Virginia reasons to burn their couches this week. Before last Saturday, it had been six years since a Conference USA team beat a ranked BCS team. Now the Purple Helmeted Pirates have done it two weeks in a row. This week's win was especially impressive, as they held the West Virginia offense and Pat White's tranny cheekbones to only 251 yards of total offense. You'd think that White would have experience with purple helmets flying at his face.
Weylu's Epic Fail award – Now, the obvious winner of this award should be West Fucking Virginia, what with their loss to a state that isn't even a state. However, this week's winner of the Weylu's Epic Fail Award goes to...Army? Now, before you get your red-white-and-blue Toby Keith panties in a bunch, know that Army lost to the manure-soaked fighting stoners of New Hampshire. And not even the Ricky Santos/David Ball vintage Wildcats either, but rather a UNH team that probably has half its players leaving practice early to make the afternoon shift at Dollar Bill's Discount World in Derry. America's finest, those men who are defending our country day and night, can't even beat a I-AA squad made of up fat kids from Dixville Notch and the sons of Hells Angels from Laconia? I fear for the safety of our country. One can only imagine how obnoxious Al Kaprelian will be giving the weather report tonight.
Karl’s Sausage Kitchen Frightening Award – Missouri is this week's team that instills me with the fear that only mafia-owned sausage kitchens can bring. While I know they only played Southeast Missouri State this week, quarterback Chase Daniel completed 16 of his 17 passes, and the Tigers were up by 42 without even breaking a sweat. Oregon is also a winner of this week's Sausage Kitchen award after having scored 110 points in two games, despite being dressed like retarded crossing guards.
Kowloon Good Ol' Fashioned Fun Award – Any of you who saw the end of Saturday's Washington/BYU game saw a treat worthy of Eddie Andleman's MSG-soaked arteries. Washington quarterback Jake Locker marched the Huskies on an 18-play game-ending drive, scrambling to freedom on multiple fourth downs to keep his team alive. Locker finally reached Touchdownville with two seconds left to bring the score to 28-27 BYU, pending only the extra point. In his northwestern glee, Locker then threw the ball up in the air, earning a bullshit 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. The 35-yard extra point was then, of course, blocked, and BYU fans were left happier than the birth of their eighth child.
Whole Foods “What the fuck are they doing here” Award – In an otherwise upset-free week, East Carolina is the obvious winner of this award. I've also been told that the health food store on Route 1 is not Whole Foods, but rather something called "Wild Oats." Whatever, fuck you hippies. Given that I shower regularly, eat meat, don't smell like patchouli oil and high-five baby seal clubbers for a job well done, I clearly don't know the difference.
DB's Golden Banana Stabbed Hooker Award - The stabbed hooker award for injury goes to UFC fighter Chuck Liddell. Okay, he's not exactly a college football player, but he was knocked absolutely fucking cold on Saturday night by Rashad Evans, commencing in this impromptu mid-ring naptime:
Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award – Illinois' Juice Williams ran for 174 week after throwing for 451. One may even call him as much of a double threat as Frankie Giuiffrida himself, who ran a restaurant AND a butcher shop in his glorious years on this earth. Speaking of dual threats, America's Greatest Human Tim Tebow threw for 256 yards and ran for 55, despite the Gator offensive line forgetting how to block anything. To celebrate their giant efforts, both Tebow and Williams will receive the giant 22 oz. Porterhouse steak, served in the spacious Carson City dining room.