Tuesday, September 2, 2008

This Week in Route 1 Football

Every sports website has a college football recap column. They either take the straightforward "this is what happened" approach, or they try to inject some pop culture witticism into the analysis, comparing Tim Tebow to Hannah Montana or the like. Borrriiiiiinnnnngggg, especially since everyone knows that Tebow is more of a do-everything Raven Symone type.

In our efforts to inform the blog-reading public, we too shall have a college football recap column, but with a different theme: Route 1, specifically the stretch between Danvers and Revere. No other expanse of land carries such a wide array of overly sketchy and downright frightening businesses. In what I hope will become a weekly installment, we at Mass Hysteria bring to you This Week in Route 1 Restaurant Football:

Kelly's Roast Beef "Real Fucking Deal" Award - Kelly's Roast Beef, for all of its Good Will Hunting name-drops and stories about picking up loose women on Revere Beach from your grandfather, truly lives up to all of its hype, unless you're a dirty vegetarian (*coughFMRAcough*) who hates Jesus and America and therefore doesn't eat roast beef or fried clams. I recommend the Super Beef with tomatoes and sauce. It's what our Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote the Declaration of Independence.

This week's winners of the Kelly's Roast Beef award are USC and Florida. A lot of ranked teams had blowout victories this week, but USC and Florida beat teams that played in major bowls last season, and beat them handily. Ol' Dirty Sanchez threw for 338 yards as the Trojans beat UVA, helped by the fact that Joe McKnight averaged 10 yards per carry. My beloved Gators beat the Kimona Wanalaya out of the Hawaii Fighting Rainbows by a superclose score of 56-10. Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps ran faster than an early-80s Metallica solo, and will reign supreme over the SEC for years to come. And yes, I'm slightly biased. Alabama also deserves mention here, for their bitchslap of Climpson.

Weylu's Epic Fail Award - If a Massachusetts restaurant ever represented greed in the 1980s, it was Weylu's. $13 million (which is like $113 million in Today Dollars) was spent to make the place look like Beijing's Forbidden City, with authentic art on the walls surrounding jade and gold fixtures. I also remember there being bathroom attendants, though I could be wrong. Unfortunately, the owners forgot that it was located on Route 1 in Saugus, and the business failed miserably.

This week's epic fails include Michigan and Tennessee. Granted, Michigan wasn't exactly supposed to be world-beaters this year, but losing 25-23 to the fighting Utes of Utah is certainly an Epic Fail. Fuck, Utah isn't even the best team in Utah. Tennessee meanwhile shat its orange self against UCLA and its JUCO quarterback last night. O AN NEUHEISEL SO SEXY.

Karl's Sausage Kitchen "That Place Frightens Me" Award - Karl's Sausage Kitchen has been in existence for as long as I have been alive. Yet, I have never seen a car in front of the place, never seen its lights on, and I remain convinced that it's a mob front where they grind up bodies. You could not pay me to go in there, and it is easily the most frightening place I can think of in the entire WORLD, ever, all time, all my life.

This week's team's that frighten me are Texas and LSU. Aptly named Texas QB Colt McCoy ran for 103 yards against a bowl-winning FAU team, despite not actually knowing how to propel his legs in a running motion, and being slightly retarded. Seriously, look at that man. Harrowing. Meanwhile, LSU beat Division I-AA national Champion App State 41-13, despite starting a Harvard transfer at quarterback. He's smaht and can throw a 20-yard curl! Frightening.

Kowloon's Award Good Ol' Fashioned Fun - Ah, the Kowloon, where 1980s wrestlers, Eddie Andleman and your sleazy uncle go to mingle and share boneless ribs. How can you NOT love the Kowloon? They've even got a comedy club attached for chrissakes, so when you're loaded on scorpion bowls, you can heckle a terrible stand-up act. Good times all around.

This week's fun game was certainly the Missouri-Illinois shootout. Mizzou beat the Waterskiing Zooks by a score of 52-42, but only after allowing Juice Williams to throw for 451 yards. When you allow a man named Juice to throw for 400 yards, it's safe to say that defense is not a priority. In a game where a Big 12 team played a Big 10 team, there were 1,081 yards of total offense. Stock up on canned goods and move to the bomb shelter, because the End Times are nigh.

Whole Foods "What the Fuck Are They Doing There?" Award - In a sea of antiquated businesses that still carry "Irish Need Not Apply" signs, lies Whole Foods, pillar of healthy living and hippiedom. It mystifies me every time I drive by, and probably violates some sort of natural law of symbiosis.

This week's Whole Foods Award goes to Penn State. I didn't expect much of Penn State this year. Their starting quarterback coughed up his job, their underrated tailback got drafted, and they returned only one starting OL and DL. So you can imagine my surprise when they hung 66 up on Coastal Carolina this weekend. I didn't think that Penn State would score 66 in the entire season. Notice how I didn't make a "Joe Paterno is old" joke here. It was really hard to do.

DB's Golden Banana Stabbed Hooker Award - Say you're an attractive woman. And say you need to put yourself through med school or law school, or just need money to buy more coke. A simple and fun way to do this, and warm the cockles of men throughout the land, is to remove your clothes for money and become a stripper. But where to strip? The Cabaret? Mack 2's? Tens in Salisbury? Oh, look, they just re-opened DB's Golden Banana in Peabody. Should you strip there? NO BECAUSE YOU WILL GET STABBED OR SHOT. Fact: The number of strippers wounded or killed at the Golden Banana each year is roughly equivalent to the number of people killed by the Black Plague. You can look it up*.
(*not really)

The Golden Banana Award for injury this week goes to Ohio State's Chris "Beanie" Wells, who sprained his ankle in an epic 43-0 battle against Youngstown State, which isn't even a state. Beanie injured his ankle in the third quarter, which begs the question of why in hell a starting tailback was playing in the third quarter of a 43-0 win over Youngstown Fucking State. Stupid sweater vest, go lose to another SEC team.

Frank Giuffrida Memorial Exalted Human Being- Frank Giuffrida, founder of the Hilltop Steak House, was a great man. He brought unto this world such joys as "Giant Cactus Signs," "Cows in the Front Yard," "Hilltop Salad Dressing" and "Restaurant Sections Named after Wild West Cities." He believed in the Taoist principles of meat, meat and more meat, and refused to hire waitresses under the age of 85 or who didn't smoke four packs of Chesterfield Unfiltereds a day. He entertained thousands with placemats that showed which portions of the cow contributed to which type of meat. Frank Giuffrida, we salute you.

This week's Frank Giuffrida exalted human beings are Dennis Pitta of BYU and Shun White of Navy. Pitta had 11 catches for 213 yards, despite being a big slow white tight end. Also, his name is a bread. White ran for 348 yards and three touchdowns while also capturing Osama bin Laden and overthrowing the Taliban at the same time. Pitta and White will each receive a discounted Roundup Special from the Hilltop Steak House, which includes marinated steak tips, turkey tips, and a marinated chicken breast, complete with cole slaw and your choice of potato.


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...


Can Tim Tebow be the BBC? You know he has been in more 16 year olds then a driving school.

Grimey said...

That's So Tebow

Zach Martin said...

I have never seen a car in front of the place, never seen its lights on, and I remain convinced that it's a mob front where they grind up bodies.

There was a CITGO like that in my neck of the woods. They were closed during normal business hours and had gas prices WAY higher than market. Nobody got gas there and I always proclaimed (to whomever would listen) it to be a front for a massive drug operation.

Anyway, BP purchased and remodeled it. Looks pretty nice now and offers competitive prices. Also, I found the bloody horse head in my bed one day. Not sure it’s related.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Is Karl's Sausage the place where Sh!tshow's bookie ground him up?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I learned so many things about sex simply by virtue of driving up Route 1 towards Danvers.

Stanley Cup of Chowder said...

I'm not a big fan of college football, but this is a great idea. Maybe next week you can throw in a couple shady motels, The Cab, and the orange dinosaur.