Friday, September 12, 2008

Quasi-Celebrity Patriots Preview: Fred Smerlas

Hey, it’s your old Phhhfriend Freddy here, donning my best Phhhfur coat to preview thispffhhhf weekend’s Pats game. I’m as sure of a Pats win this weekend as I am that you, through All-Pro Productions, can join the All-Pro Celebrity Tailgate for the low, low cost of $750 per ticket. With that, you can meet me, your ol Phfffriend Phrrhfreddie, and watch the Pats beat the Jets 42-14.

Now, you may be saying “Ol’ Phffriend Phreddy, what can I get for my $850?” I’m glad you asked. For that low, low price, you can meet me, Waltham and BC’s own All-Pro nose tackle, and watch as I thfffpphhill wing sauce all over my shirt and drink too much domephhhhtic beer. For an extra $175, you can even shave the chest hair that somehow finds a way to pop out of a button-down shirt! Then we can watch the Pats beat the Jets this Sunday by a score of 58-10.

Whatsppff’s that you say? You think $950 is too much for a ticket and a meet-and-greet with a Buphhhffalo Bills great? Why, because face value tickets are only $125? Well did you know that we give all our proceeds to charity? And by “all,” we mean “at least three or four percfffent.” And by “charity,” we mean “the Phhhfred Smerlas Phhoundation,” dedicated to chest hair and mustache research. So it’s totally not scalping when I charge you a grand to watch the Pats win 63-2. Mghfhgmfffhfffhmf hfghfmfdhd All-Pro hgfmfhfmf.

The Patssfffhhpff are going to win this weekend because of their dephhhhense, which is nearly as toughfff as the Bills defense when I was an All-Pro for them back in the years when I was an All-Pro for the All-Pro team. My All-Pro experience gives me reason to charge you $1,500 to hear me gush about Vince Wilphhhork, who plays nose tackle. That’s the position I was an All-Pro at, and therefore the only position I have an understanding of on the phhhfffield. Iphhff only playing quarterback was as easy as running a telemarketing company! Vince Wilpphhffffork, nose tackle, Patriots 132-0.

Now, I’ve heard rumors of Tom Brady being injured, though Ol’ Phhhfreddy hasn’t conphhirmed them, mostly because Tom doesn’t play nose tackle. Which is the position I was an All-Pro at. But I’m sure that, because I can’t name the Jets nose tackle, the Pats ophfffense should run smoother than my Harley-Davidson, which I will let you touch for $2,500. Phhggffffmmmf mustache mghfhffffm.

You don’t want to pay that to touch my motorcycle? Need I remind you that I was once called “As strong as an ox and as talkative as Oprah, Fred Smerlas was one of the most celebrated defensive linemen to ever wear a buffalo on his helmet.” That reminds me, I should eat some more buffalo wings. Also, I was an All-Pro. That reason alone should be why the Patriots will win this Sunday by a score of 276 to negative 2, but only if you buy a ticket from me for the low price of $4,000. In fact, if you buy now, I’ll even let you scalp tickets outside the stadium with ol’ Phhhhreddy. Um, uh, I mean All-Pro.


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I'm having a heart attack just look at those Buffalo Wings.

Also $2500 is the going rate for the All Pro Celebrity Tailgate. Unless Fred finds out your a liberal, then he's charging $5000 and you have to clean the Jiffy John after Fred eats 3 lbs of Hot Wings.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Needs more Diabeetus Kitteh, and less colon-melting diarrhea.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Mumblemumble mumble CASSEL, mumble mumble field mumble Belichick. Mumblemumblemumblegurgle. DeOssie mumble mumble. (Laughs at own joke.)