Friday, September 5, 2008

A Patriots Season Preview for the Non-Patriots Fan



We get it. We really do.

We as Patriots fans understand that you, the non-New England football loving public, rejoiced at the Giants improbable and miraculous Super Bowl victory last February, and we even begrudgingly admit that, were we not Patriots fans, Super Bowl 42 would have been a wildly exciting and enjoyable game to watch. It's hard to admit, and it's taken hours of therapy to do so, but we've finally come to accept the fact that the Giants, and not the New England Patriots, are the reigning football champions.

We also get why you rooted against the Patriots for the five months prior to last February's Super Bowl. We understand that Spygate, Tom Brady's lucky penis, Rodney Harrison's expanding forehead and Bill Belichick's Belichick-ness made the Patriots quite difficult to root for last season, as was the fact that the team happened to win every game with relative ease. We understand that the Patriots were viewed as the evil corporate monolith set out to destroy the Mom-and-Pop businesses of the NFL world, and America loved nothing more than watching them fall in a very public and embarrassing fashion.

However, and we hate to break it to you, more of the same will probably occur this season. The Patriots have, for the most part, the same team coming back, and their schedule is embarrassingly easy. There is therefore a better chance than not that another season of Patriots dominance will ensue. To help make this season more tolerable than last, we at Mass Hysteria, your Deadspinner-founded home for Boston-themed dick jokes, wrestling posts and roasts, have provided this handy guide to enduring another season of Patriots dominance. With these things in mind, you may even grow to, dare we say, like this team as they dominate your television for the forseeable future:

* Hey! Look! Scoring! - 38,38,38, 34,34, 48,49,52. Those were the number of points scored by the Pats in their first eight games last year, and the team ended up setting a record for points scored. Those of you that love offense (or play fantasy football) can watch the Patriots knowing that, if anything else, you'll see a lot of touchdowns and big plays. Meanwhile, given the sorry state of the Pats' defensive backfield this year, opponents will be passing on the Pats at will, leading to NBA-esque scores and fantasy football points. When you watch a Patriots game this year, you'll see more scoring than Scott Baio circa 1988. Gua-ran-teed.

* Laurence Maroney - He loves Kool-Aid. You love Kool-Aid. He loves women who wash their ass. You love women who wash their ass. He loves running the ball between the tackles. You love running backs who love running between the tackles. Thus, you love Laurence Maroney. Now wash u ass, you dirty whore.

* Redemption - America loves its redemption stories. We love to see our heroes get back up after being knocked down, which is why Britney Spears will probably have the top selling album of 2010. The Patriots, this year, are football's ultimate redemption story, trying to come back from the biggest Super Bowl upset of alltime. Will they learn from their mistakes and win the big one? Or will they turn to a life of Little Debbie snacks and post-divorce dalliances with Kevin Federline?

* Patriotism - Have you forgotten our boys in Iraq? Forgotten the looming threat of al Quaeda? FORGOTTEN THAT 9/11 CHANGED EVERYTHING?! Of course you have, you commie sack of shit. Let the Patriots be the team to bring the love of country, kith, and kin back into your pinko heart. Some teams may prance around the field in orange-and-shit-brown or purple tights. Not the Patriots. No other team dons the red-white-and-blue, baby. So tune in, and root for your goddamn country. It's not so much that not liking the Patriots makes you a terrorist... it's more that not liking the Patriots means YOU ALREADY WERE A TERRORIST.

* Records - You love records. You spent your teenage years doing two things - masturbating and memorizing sports records. You sleep with Pro Football Prospectus under your bed. Therefore, the Patriots are for you. They set more records last year than Lisa Sparxxx, and most all the major players from last year's record-setting squad are coming back this year.

* Line Play - Maybe you're the type of football fan who enjoys watching the game "in the trenches," possibly due to a negative experience with the Viet Cong. This year's Patriots team can help meet that desire, due to their strength on both the offensive and defensive lines. Led by Donald Faison look-alike Richard Seymour, the Pats' D-line may be the best in football, and locked down more running backs last year than the Jacksonville PD. The Pats' offensive line is also solid, provided they're not playing the Giants in February.

* Matt Cassel - Matt Cassel is the perpetual unloved stepchild; at USC, he backed up Carson Palmer and then Matt Leinart, and he's been riding the bench for the Patriots ever since. Honest to god, the kid hasn't been a starting quarterback since high school... but it looks pretty definite that he'll be seeing some playing time this season. Yeah, he's probably (by which I mean definitely) going to suck and accrue a passing rating of like 60, but you have to admit: this one's for all the second-bests, the also-rans, the sidekicks, the Fredo Corleone's out there. You go, Matt Cassel. You make us proud. By which I mean sweaty and faintly nauseated.

* They really fucking hate the Jets - This means that, not only will Grampa Vicodin be exposed as a fraud at least twice this year while throwing into triple coverage, but the Pats' secret surveillance of the Jets' complex may lead to video footage of Peter King asking his Brett-love out on dates, only to be rebuffed. And then further footage of PK crying in the corner of the locker room, holding a single flower. He loves you not, Peter. He loves you not.

* Randy Moss's Dormant Crazy - Randy Moss flunked out of Florida State, drove with a female cop affixed to his windshield, and made Joe Buck burst an aneurysm in his brain. He noted that the 1970 Marshall plane crash was "really nothing big." He brought the phrase "Straight Cash Homey" into public lexicon. He is, by all accounts, batshit fucking crazy. However, Moss was on his best behavior last year and bottled up his crazy, earning a three-year contract for his efforts. Randy's crazy has to come out sometime, and the guess here is that it involves either a mid-game bong hit or Moss hitting an opposing defensive back over the head with a purple dildo. The possibilities are really endless.

* They're going to be on TV all the time anyway – With five scheduled night games (and probably more when you factor in NBC's late season Flex Game choices), you're probably going to be seeing a lot of Tom Brady's face this year. To paraphrase Bobby Knight, if watching the Patriots is inevitable, you might as well relax and enjoy it.

5 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Everyone's a Patriots fan!

The A-Train said...

No other team dons the red-white-and-blue, baby.

The Buffalo Bills haven't moved to Canada yet, asshole!

Zach Martin said...

Yeah, he's probably (by which I mean definitely) going to suck and accrue a passing rating of like 60

Rex Grossman is impressed.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I'll take my 16-7 games with no scoring after the half thank you very much.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

WHERE IS THE GLITTERY LOGOS TAG