Friday, September 5, 2008

On Tap This Weekend: THE NFL IS BACK!

Awww shit baby... it's the weekend! Time to partake of sports, beer, and glorious late-summer weather. futuremrsrickankiel tells you what to look for from the Red Sox this weekend:

Red Sox v. Rangers. The Red Sox have been playing solid baseball lately, and will look to keep that going as they head to Arlington to take on the feisty Texans and their magnificent bats godawful pitching. The last time the Sox faced the Rangers, we were all treated to a total clusterfuck of a batting practice masquerading as a regular-season game; hopefully the Sox will keep producing while our pitching staff smothers the Rangers' offense like a strung-out inner city mom with a kid who won't stop crying and serious post-partem depression. Wait, what?

Friday, 8:05 pm. Josh Beckett (11-9, 4.34), about whom I pontificated earlier today, will bring his pitchy goodness to bear against Kevin Millwood (9-7, 4.84). With Vicente Padilla hopping on and off the DL like a jumping bean of a certain ethnicity, Millwood is the lone ray of light in the Rangers' rotation; he's posted a 1.46 ERA in his last three starts (including two consecutive complete games) and has walked just one batter in 242.2 innings. Holy cow! No doubt Kevin Youkilis will have something to say about that... either that, or Millwood will remember that he pitches for Texas and start sucking as the good lord intended for him to do. I'd like to interview him someday, I really would. "Hey Kevin: what was it like being NOT John Smoltz, Greg Maddux, or Tom Glavine? I bet that sucked. Here's a copy of Mia Hamm's 64 Soccer; I was giving away all my old N64 cartridges earlier but Goldeneye, Mario Kart, and Ocarina of Time already got taken."

Saturday, 8:05 pm. Tim Wakefield (8-9, 3.76) against lefty Matt Harrison (6-3, 5.73). YAWN. I'm skipping this one because my band's playing a gig that night. If you miss it too, no one will hold it against you.

Sunday, 3:05 pm. Paul Byrd (10-11, 4.58), who I believe is Worthington P. Foxtrotty's favorite pitcher due to his high socks, old-timey windup, and evidently Jew-hating countenance, squares off against Brandon McCarthy (1-0, 2.25). I swear to god the Rangers are just picking up dudes at the bus station in Dallas and handing them the ball 15 minutes before gametime. No pressure, Brandon!

You won't be watching that shit on Sunday, anyway. You'll be wearing your Pats jersey and rocking the fuck out at your local watering-hole of choice as The Perfect Season, Take 2 kicks off. Here with the lowdown on football for the weekend is HMLS:

Boston College v. Georgia Tech, Saturday, 12:00 pm. After beating on a bad Kent State team last week, BC will get its first challenge against Georgia Tech. Tech brings a whole bevy of problems that will make life difficult for the Eagles, and the prediction of rain should make it even worse. Not only is it going to rain, its going to be a fucking monsoon, raining cats and dogs along with heavy winds. Thank god BC has no passing game, or they would be fucked. Georgia Tech is infamous for their triple-option offense, which basically means that GT will be lining up a QB and three running backs in their backfield. With all the options available to the QB, the goal is to confuse the defense and grind the football game to a screeching halt with slo, methodical runs. Sounds like real exciting football, right? Unfortunately BC's run defense allowed 150 yards to Kent State last week, so it could be a long game at the Heights. The Eagles showed last week that their offense will rely on the pass; led by rookie Josh Haden and Jeff Smith, they ran for 230 yards last week. What does that mean? Not a hell of a lot... it was against Kent State and they blow, so you really can't pull anything from a game like that. Even if they do lose, which I think they will, it's the first home game for the Eagles. This means I will be shitfaced by noon, soaking wet by 12:15, back home by 5, and drunk again by 8. GO EAGLES.

Patriots v. Chiefs, Sunday, 1:00 pm. I can't believe the NFL is back. I feel like breaking something I am so jacked up. Time to finally dig out my Moss jersey, clean off the tears and stale beer, and get ready for another year of Patriots football. Talk around town is that Tom Brady is playing hurt, well it's against the KC Chiefs so who the fuck cares? The Chiefs are going to be fucking terrible this year -- they are young on both sides of the ball and they are throwing Brodie Croyle out to start. Brodie Croyle? Jesus Christ, I love when teams commit long-term to a quarterback that will have the same career as Jay Fiedler. Really reaching deep huh, Chefs? I don't care if Brady is playing on his knees; he is going to light up the KC secondary, Moss will make all sorts of crazy circus catches, and Wes Welker will be the quick little shit catching passes up the middle. Everything will be back to the way it was last year before the Super Bowl. Please, Belichick, I have that fucking image of David Tyree stuck in my head. Can you replace it with one of Randy Moss catching his 5th TD? On the other side of the ball, the Jarod Mayo era begins for the Patriots. This guy is the real deal Holyfield: the complete package of smarts, motivation, and the ability to remove body from head with a tackle. This game reminds me of the BC game against Kent State last week: not really going to be much of a challenge and probably won't show the world what the Patriots real weaknesses are. Pull up your spot on the sofa, grab your laptop to check your fantasy football team nonstop, and eat as much garbage as you can: the NFL REALLY starts on Sunday.

So what's everyone up to, anyway? I just made a totally tasty vegan lasagna and am about to shower, get dressed, and go dancing. Life is pretty fucking sweet, I won't lie. Leave your best ideas for weekend plans as well as all your usual heckling (you fucking ingrates) in the comments! Keep it real, everyone, and enjoy the weekend. LET'S GO PATRIOTS!


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Brodie Croyle also enjoys vegan lasagna.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Byrd is a damnable Papist. WPF likes him, but doesn't trust him. Is it Varitek the Greek calling the pitch-throws, or is it the infernal POPE?????

Zach Martin said...

hopefully the Sox will keep producing while our pitching staff smothers the Rangers' offense like a strung-out inner city mom with a kid who won't stop crying and serious post-partem depression.

Yes, yes, yes.

In a related news, Brooke Shields' head just blew off.

Zach Martin said...

Does it make me a racist that I mentall inserted "black strung-out inner city mom..."? If so, I'm sorry Spike Lee.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

strung-out inner city mom with a kid who won't stop crying and serious post-partem depression.

The Travis Henry Fan Club?