Friday, September 12, 2008

On Tap this Weekend: Favrah and Canada

So some of us around MH have been pretty busy lately and well, we dropped the ball and forgot to do the weekend preview. You are all lucky that I have no life and I am sitting at home on a Friday night to give you the scoop on the weekend. So instead of overconsuming alcohol or getting laid, I will write you all a little ditty about Boston sports. I assume GHABY is in Revere watching an Independent wrestling fight between the Marvelous Marvoso and the Chinese Chicken, FMRA was finally sucked up by that atom smasher she keeps talking about, and Pimp is sipping tea with his new girlfriend a 45 year old aristocrat from Concord and her poodle Licorice. Me? I have to get up in the morning for wedding prep with the church, yeah its as exciting as it sounds (no, I'm not religious at all, the woman is). So here I am.

Red Sox vs Bluejays

Friday- Wakefield vs. Purcey

Well its 10pm so this really isn't a preview its more of a whats the word? Oh REVIEW. The Red Sox are about to win 7-0, somehow this game was played despite the monsoon that has descended upon Boston. I don't get rain delays at all, I was at a game this year where it wasn't raining at all and they delayed it on the prediction it would rain, yet tonight its raining DIABETUS Cats and Dogs and they play on. Jed Lowrie had himself a game, with two RBI's and KEVIN CAAAAAAASH had a home run. Scott Rolen forgot how to play baseball and made two errors. I totally fucking forgot Cito Gaston was their coach again, where is Fred McGriff?

Game 1- Paul Byrd v AJ Burnett 12:35

Ok here is when these games start to get a little tricky. Byrd has been nothing less than FANTASTIC since his trade to the Sox, but he might meet his match against the strikout machine Burnett. If the weather holds up the Sox hitters will have their hands filled with him. But according to Tito, JD Drew should be back in the lineup as back is almost completely healthy. Prop bet? 9th inning grand slam for John McDonald.

Game 2- Massive Colon vs Jessie Litsch 7pm

The fattest pitcher in Red Sox history is finally back after being hurt for what seems like three months. I am too lazy to look up what his injury was but I am going to make this wild speculation that either a) his injury was caused by his enormous girth or b) his rehab was slowed by his 80% Fat body mass. I am a little pissed at Colon though for two reasons as well. 1) Because of his injury we had to fucking deal with Clay Buccholz longer than we should have 2) It's been way too long since we could make a Colon joke. I like Colon against the Ginger kid.

Sunday- Lester vs Halladay

Sweet jesus this is going to be a hell of a match up. Doc Halladay is the one pitcher in the league that scares the shit out of me everytime he takes the hill. The guy just knows how to beat the Red Sox. I expect an epic battle that will completely end the world if that atom smasher doesn't first. My brain has almost completely shut off, I was going to make a Karate kid reference but I can't remember what the hell I was going to say. This is the weirdest deja vu, I am flipping through the channels and I can't even make this up, what comes on the TV. KARATE KID II. (no I'm not drunk)

Post Post Script- I have never seen this movie and I just realized that GHABY's poster name comes from this movie. This is getting to real.

Sunday- Patriots vs New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS

This is going to be epic, no Tom Brady. Brett Favre (Now with 50% less Vicodin) gets his first shot against the "crippled" Pats. Every sports expert is pegging the Jets to win this one, because we don't have Tom Brady. No such luck pals, we are going to be ready for them and their stupid green uniforms. I dare Brett to throw one of his off balanced throws into triple coverage, see how far that gets him. He beat the Dolphins, big f'n deal, thats like beating a blind person in an archery shoot out. I have complete faith in Matt Cassel, he is going to surprise us all on Sunday (20-26, 270 Yards and 2 TDs). New Yorkers are foaming at the mouth for this game, they think the Pats are weak, well guess what New York? Fuck you, your city smells, you have more shitty teams then teams that are good, and your JETS chant sounds like it was written by a 6 year old that has a seizure disorder. Before I get off this rant, I want to pose one question. Who is going to stop Randy Moss on the Jets defense? Patriots 24 Jets 10.

Sunday Patriots Drinking Game
- Everytime the Brady injury is shown drink heavily
- Each mention of Favre's retirement, mute television then drink
- Coors Light Commercial with Brian Billick? Heres a curveball, DONT DRINK, instead blow kisses at him
- Any talk of the change of power in the NFL? DRINK
- Brett Favre makes an ill advised pass, drink
- Comparison between Bledsoe injury and Brady injury. You know what to do.

Our theme song for the weekend: Regulators by Warren G. The Sox and Pats are going to have to keep it strapped this weekend, and "lay those Bustas down". The straps being points, and the Bustas being the Jets and Blue Jays of course. Sorry had to explain that for our white folks.


GHABB,Y~! said...

Holy fuck you JUST realized that. I hate you so much. Also, seven Strongbows on tap are better than zero Strongbows on tap. Fuck your mother.

SmartyBarrett said...

1. You have NEVER seen Karate Kid?!?!?!

2. This would have been a better Blue Jays card to use.

3. Virtually every rap video that has been posted on this site is one that we have done karaoke. Word.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I didn't FORGET to do the preview. I just didn't WANT to do the preview.

Zach Martin said...

You were watching The KK on Friday night too. Ahh, how the mighty have fallen.