Friday, September 19, 2008

News of the World of Bases-Ball

What ho, dear friends! It is I, your Loyal Correspondent, reporting from the wilderness of the Dominion of Kan-a-da! I have been dispatched by my employer, the Boston Daily American and Irish-Abuser, to the encampment of Tor'on-to (an Indian phrase meaning "socialized health care"), a rustic settlement of assorted beaver-trappers, Frenchman, and free Negroes. The purpose of my sojourn is the impending clash of our native Red Stockings with a local Kan-a-da bases-ball team, which call themselves the "Bleu Jais", after the style of the French. My sources indicate that this set of three bases-ball games will have some importance in the determination of participation in the so-called "Post Season", wherein the various Associations of Bases-Ball pit their modern-day gladiators against each other for the greater glory of their local hamlets and burghs. These sources also inform me that should the Red Stockings be selected for this Tournament, their likely opponents could include the Piratos of the Pitts-burgh, or possibly the Philadelphia Society Hill Fancy-Dandies.

But such concerns are for discussion in their due and appropriate time. My job, Gentle Reader, is to illuminate the forthcoming clash in the Kan-a-da! While one would naturally assume that any bases-ball club in a rustic setting such as this would be composed primarily of slovenly Frenchman and drunken Indian Heathens, this Bleu Jais squadron has proven to be particularly bothersome on the field of play, thanks mainly to the twin hurler-men Roycraft Halladay (of the Denver Halladays) and his partner-in-arm Alphonsous Joachim Burnett, late of the American South. Transplanted to the Kan-a-da in search of gainful employment in the beaver-pelt tanning mills along the St. Lawrence waterway, these strapping lads have instead made names for themselves in the annals of both sporting publications and back-room whorehouse gossip. (The whore with whom I engaged in Biblical congress on the evening last informed me that Mr. Burnett was, and I quote, "blessed and of a mien akin to a beast of burden, or a gentleman of the African persuasion, if one takes my meaning appropriately and in due course.")

Halladay and Burnett

Both gentlemen will take the hill against, as the natives say, Les Stoquinges Rouges, in the course of the week-end's festivities. Burnett shall take his turn to-night, against Byrd for the Bostons; whilst Halladay engages his mighty arm on the morrow, against the Stocking's own strapping young fur-trapper, Jonathan Lester, whose ancestry stems from the wilds of the Louisiana Purchase. Sunday's contest finds the inscrutable Chinee Mazuki facing someone called "Richmond", whom I know naught of. This reporter assumes, perhaps foolishly, that the Bleu Jais do not intend to use the full population of the fair capital of Virginia in sporting opposition!

Finally, I have been asked to transmit a special greeting to the future Mrs. Richard Ankiel, a loyal reader of the Daily American and Irish-Abuser, on the occasion of her birth-day. And so, on behalf of this reporter, I wish her the happiest of returns of the day. Although, as noted before, I have found her to be a shrill, painted whore, I can attest that she appears to be relatively clean and disease-free. I have also heard that there have been multiple instances in which she has not engaged in public spectacles of the exessive-imbibage variety, although I have yet to actually witness one such instance. It is my belief that she will make a sturdy, if not particularly noteworthy, wife for Mr. Ankiel -- who is presumably a day-laborer or stevedore of some sort -- and will be able to bear him several relatively healthy children.

Further updates will be dispatched as events warrant, should God spare me from the dysentery and cholera!


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Awesome. Just awesome.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

W.P. has a nasty run-on sentence habit.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I also pray your weekend revelries with fair young harlots of the Irish ancestry does not leave you stricken with Syphilis.