Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Mass Hysteria's NFL Spectacular: AFC North Division Preview

Football season is almost upon us. As the summer continues to unwind, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing the divisions in the NFL to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life for the next five months. So grab your Doritos, drink a few cold ones, ignore your loved ones and enjoy. You can read past previews here: NFC West , NFC South, NFC East, NFC North, AFC West, AFC South.

Why the Pittsburgh Steelers will win the AFC North

The Steelers will be bringing back one of the filthiest defenses in the league and should only get better. Troy Polamalu will return after spending most of last season on the IR. He is the leader of the Steelers Defense, and will give them a huge lift, especially with some of those huge hits. Also back will be Aaron Smith who left the Steelers with a huge gap when he tore his bicep. Jesus, that has got to be a painful injury, something I pray I never get to experience. In '07 Pitt had the 3rd ranked pass/run defense in the NFL, and will hold opposing offenses to small numbers. On the other side of the ball the Steelers still have a number of weapons to score points. Ben Rothlesbooger is a smart QB when he isn't on a motorcyle, and Santonio "Enormous Cock" Holmes could emerge to be the premier WR on the team. Rookie Rashard Mendenhall will be a big surprise this year, and take over the RB position from Willie Parker, and could have a year as good as Darren McFadden. COULD

Why the Pittsburgh Steelers will not win the AFC North

They had a terrible offensive line last year, and Big Ben was manhandled most of the season, sacked a league high 93 times. That's a number that would make even David Carr blush. The line has two new additions with Chris Kemoeatu and ex Titan Justin Hartwig, with the hope is that Big Ben will not be spending the entire season on his ass. Probably still going to happen, but really shouldn't make a difference. The only other logical way the Steelers will blow the AFC North is if the Steelers lose a number of players with catastrophic injury; Rothlesbooger ruptured anus, Holmes dislocated horse cock, or Jeff Reed with alcohol related brain damage. Unless that happens its hard to find other reasons why the Steelers would lose a very winnable division.

Why the Cleveland Browns will win the AFC North

If we all learned something about last year it was that the Browns will have no problems scoring gobs of points. Braylon Edwards is shaping up to be one of the best Wide Receivers in football, and if he starts the season reasonably healthy he will be drawing alot of attention. Derek Anderson has the same issue, he is coming into the season banged up, but he proved last year he can be a VERY good quarterback. The Browns went out and grabbed Donte Stallworth, who could be effective, but please lets be serious he was pretty worthless for the Pats last season. He had a couple of big games and was invisible for most of the others. On the other hand Kellen Winslow is a superstar in the making, a very stupid impulsive superstar, but someone who is only going to get better. I have no idea how to evaluate offensive linemen, but from what I hear Joe Thomas is the best offensive lineman in football. Ok look, I know I talk about and watch football alot, but the only way I know how good a OL is, is his ability to prevent the defense from killing your QB/RB. From what I hear Thomas is pretty good at that.

Why the Cleveland Browns will not win the AFC North

Brady Quinn will continue his second season, rotting on the bench for the Browns. This isn't a weakness for the Browns, I just like to point out when a player from Notre Dame does shit in the NFL. It's too bad offense isn't everything, because the Browns defense is FUCKING TERRIBLE. They finished 30th in total D last year, and had no draft picks until the fourth round so basically they did nothing to fix it. Let's use a game from last year as a metaphor of how 2008 will look for the Browns. Game 6 against the Miami Dolphins, a pathetic team that won 1 game the entire season, and had Cleo Lemon as the QB. Well the stellar Browns D gave up 356 yards against this abortion of an offense, and thank god the Dolphins D was worse than Cleveland because the Browns almost blew this. The Browns won that game 41-31, but in some ways that like beating up a guy in a wheelchair, you win but you feel like shit after.

Why the Cincinnati Bengals will win the AFC North

Because Chad Javon Ocho Cinco said so, plain and simple. Ocho Cinco wants to win, and he seems to be the type of player that writes check his mouth can cover. He should have plenty of help on offense as well. The Bengals got rid of Rudi Johnson, and will be looking to Chris Perry to take the reigns of a running game that struggled last year (24th in the NFL). TJ Houshmanjsdasereiah might actually be the best WR on the team, but gets overshadowed by Ocho Cinco. (By the way if you want a quick larf go to his Ocho's wikipedia page.) Off the field, the Bengals have done alot to improve their public image. They waived Odell Thurman after he failed his third drug test, and Chris Henry after he punched a guy in the face and threw a beer bottle through the window of his car. Henry proved that he was hellbent on destroying himself, and the Bengals had about enough of their shit-for-brains WR. What, they resigned Chris Henry?! Never mind....

Why the Cincinnati Bengals will not win the AFC North

Remember the whole spiel I just wrote about the Cleveland Browns having no defense? Yeah, the exact same reason applies for the Bengals.

Why the Baltimore Ravens will win the AFC North

This is a tough one, Willis McGahee? Ray Rice? Okay, so their run offense should be pretty good and should anchor what is bound to be a terrible offense. The defense is still pretty good, they had some great games last year (remember the Patriots game?), Ed Reed is the best safety in the game. Ok, I hate Ray Lewis, he is a good linebacker, but he definitely is not the BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER EVAHHHHHH!. He is getting old, and doesn't seem to be the dominating force he once was. He makes plays, but come on, most of the time he just yells alot and jumps on piles after the whistle. Hell he isn't even the best LB on the team (Terrell Suggs). They have excellent DB's in Chris McCallister and Samari Rolle combine to make an excellent tandem in the backfield.

Why the Baltimore Ravens will not win the AFC North

If the Baltimore Ravens combined their defense with the Browns offense they could win the AFC North. But unfortunately they cant, and the Ravens will have to deal with Todd Heap of Shit, Joe Flacco and Derrick Mason on offense. They are not going to score many points this season, expect a lot of games where the Ravens score 10 or 13 points. Flacco is going to have a rough year, he has no weapons to work with, and definitely will not be the player Matt Ryan is (did you think I could make it through a whole preview without mentioning him?). The Ravens play brutal football, which is terribly boring to watch, but not to worry they are going to be so bad this year none of the major networks are going to want to cover any of their games.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip's Pick to win the AFC North: This isn't even going to be close. The Steelers are a much better, all around team then anyone else in this division. The only way they could blow it is if the Browns averaged 59 points a game.

A Pimp Named DaveR's Pick to win the AFC North: Uh.... um.... well, HMLS makes a good point. But I'm a rebel, baby. I don't cotton to The Man's "ideas" and your "logic" and your "Pittsburgh is, like, way better than everyone else in the division." I kinda like the Browns, but I've gotta go with the Bengals -- because when your main offensive player legally changes his name just to give a big "fuck you" to Roger Goodell and the NFL... well, that's a man with drive, and that bodes well for your team. I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB, CHAD J. OCHO CINCO!

GHABB,Y's Pick to win the AFC North: Out of fear of Santonio Holmes' penis, I am choosing the Steelers, for if I don't, it will spit at me like an angered cobra. The Browns are more overrated than Tyler Perry, and the Bengals are more overrated than Chris Perry. The Ravens won't win unless Ray Ray is feeling stabby again, which, now that I think of it, is entirely likely.

futuremrsrickankiel's Pick to Win the AFC North: There's an AFC North? I thought it was just the Steelers, and that they got 7 bye weeks a year.


GHABB,Y~! said...

No homo, but Chris Henry has him some sexy cheekbones.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

If by "sexy cheekbones," you mean "long and convoluted history with various law enforcement bureaus," then yes, yes he does.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Chris Henry needs to have a sit down with Prop Joe and the Eastsiders to settle this mess.