Thursday, September 4, 2008

Mass Hysteria's NFL Spectacular: AFC East Division Preview

Football season is almost upon us. As the summer continues to unwind, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing the divisions in the NFL to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life for the next five months. So grab your Doritos, drink a few cold ones, ignore your loved ones and enjoy. You can read past previews here: NFC West , NFC South, NFC East, NFC North, AFC West, AFC South, AFC North.

Why the New York Jets will win the AFC East

During the offseason the New York Jets signed a star quarterback. His name is Brett Favre. Not sure you've heard of him. Favre is the direct offspring of Ghandi and Mother Teresa, formed in an orgy of holy carnal pleasure. Even though he remembers the presidency of Dewey Eisenhower, Favre is better than all of the other quarterbacks in the league combined. Favre has cured cancer, AIDS, tuberculosis, and schizophrenia, but is waiting for the time when we the people are ready to hear how to fix them. He has chosen to use his talents in the game of football, which is understandable since he has mastered every other sport imaginable, including beach volleyball and diving. I expect that the Jets will win every game this season, led by the Immortal Brett Favre, and will easily win the Super Bowl.

Why the New York Jets will not win the AFC East

It's hard to imagine that a team led by Favre will lose the division. If they do, I blame the rest of the team for failing Brett. My guess is that the heathen Thomas Jones and the rest of the mongoloid defense could be the downfall of the savior Favre. Also if Brett leaves the team to spend the rest of his life with Rachel Nichols, that could be disastrous. Well that, and throwing ill-advised passes into heavy coverage, and making bad decisions left and right. That could make them lose as well.

Why the Buffalo Bills will win the AFC East

In order for the Bills to win the division they must pray that Marshawn Lynch becomes the next LaDainian Tomlinson, because that is about the only chance the Bills will have. Their running back is an interesting man, and by that I mean he should be playing for the Bengals. Lynch loves to drink and drive, and has two gigantic tattoos on his hands, and oh yeah, he looks like he is mentally retarded. FAILURE. There is a lot of talk about him this year, which usually ends with the player fumbling the ball a lot, running into defenders, or blowing out his knee in Week 2. Besides Marshawn, the defense will be good this year, as the Bills signed ex-Giants Pats fucker Kawika Mitchell, who should be a good complement to Paul Posluszny.

Why the Buffalo Bills will not win the AFC East

Lee Evans is pegged to be the #1 wide receiver this year, but that motherfucker (who is bound to give my fantasy team herpes) is again going to grossly underperform. Trent Edwards, yet another mediocre QB, is ready to start his first full year as a starter. Woot. Yeah, great move Buffalo -- form your future around this guy. He is built in the mold of other bland non-threatening QB's like JP Losman, Kyle Boller and Damon Huard. Woooo. The Bills are a team in transition, with lots of question marks, which is not a good place to be in a division with the Pats....and FAVRE.

Why the Miami Dolphins will win the AFC East

Hold on -- before I can give any sort of answer I am going to need to huff a whole tube of super glue. There we go. Bears with sunglasses, whoa, holy shit, ummmm electric toothbrush 43?.......... Crap, I blacked out -- where was... oh yeah, the Fins winning the division. Chad Pennington will have to remember how to throw a football, Ricky Williams will have to stay off the weed, and Ted Ginn Jr. must prove that he isn't a giant tampon playing WR. They did add Howie Long's kid Jake Long to play the o-line, which will prevent Chad Pennington from being destroyed all game.... Well, probably not. I think Dolphin fans should be happy if Miami wins four or five games this year. Baby steps, folks. You've gotta bang the geek with the glasses in chem class before you nail the cheerleader.

Why the Dolphins will not win the AFC East

No more Zach Taylor or Jason Taylor, possibly the only guys on defense that were any good. That combined with piles of shit at every other possible position is going to lead to another shitty season in Miami. (Not that I care -- I love watching Parcells fail; he's funnier when he's irate.) The Dolphins will be starting a fullback named Boomer Fullsby, which sounds like a 1940's boxer. What this has to do with the Dolphins losing? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Why the New England Patriots will win the AFC East

Moss showing what opening up a whale's vagina would look like

Let's see -- we still have Tom Brady, Randy Moss, WES WELKAAAAHHHH, and most of the defense that won us 18 games last year. Do I expect less wins? Of course. But one thing with Belichick -- when he loses, he gets even more determined. What does that mean? I'm guessing Kraft loaned him the money to launch a satellite into space that will not only spy on opposing coaches' signals, but systematically dehydrate the opposing team. Best offense in the league and solid defense = they should have no trouble winning this horseshit division. Don't worry, I will completely break down the Pats tomorrow.

Why the New England Patriots will not win the AFC East

As I mentioned in a previous post, Tom Brady's foot is pretty fucked up. If he goes down and we have to rely on Matt Cassel to start our games... well, you saw the preseason games. It wasn't pretty. Now that being said, I still think the Pats will win the East, even without Brady. The only legitimate way they are going to blow this division will be if Roger Goodell further disciplines the Pats and forces them to play without an offensive line. Even then the games would be close.


GHABB,Y's choice to win the AFC East: One of cinema's most underrated films is the 1996 opus "The Great White Hype." In the movie, an unqualified white boxing challenger, "Irish" Terry Conklin, is built up and marketed to seem like a viable candidate to beat the reigning champion, James "The Grim Reaper" Roper. The champion, of course, defeats Conklin with relative ease at movie's end, but not before uttering one of the greatest lines in the history of motion pictures:

"I could beat Conklin and my meat at the same time."

Your 2008 New England Patriots folks. They could beat the AFC East and their meat, at the same time.

A Pimp Named DaveR's Pick to Win the AFC East: Just to be different: IGGLES!!!!!!!


The A-Train said...

They did add Howie Long's kid to play the o-line

you sure about that?

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Nope I am not, in fact I should have fact checked/known that it was Chris Long the DE for the Rams.


GHABB,Y~! said...

Jake Long is actually the son of Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles. Not that I ever saw that movie.

SmartyBarrett said...

electric toothbrush 43?


dubbschism NEEDS to see this post...

dubbschism said...

it's AnElectricTOOTHBRUSH47.

SmartyBarrett said...

Not when you're huffing glue it's not.

Anonymous said...

also, its zach thomas and jason taylor. not zach and jason taylor. and the fullback is boomer grigsby...i only remember this because of KC hard knocks.

Rocco said...

Anyone care to revise their pick?

/Even blatent homerism can't force me to pick the Bills now.